If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Debra, whose query is below.
Dear Agent:
Hawks House is about Cherry, a fun, gossipy, and well-educated young woman with a strong voice who, because of her deep love of literature tends to see her own story as a book. By scouring the finest English literature of her time, she finds much-needed inspiration on how best to transition from past to future when the present provides no safe place to stand. Her story kicks off in the intriguing pre-war world of travel, privilege, and responsibilities taking her through the Second World War and a bit beyond. It is set in Canada, America, the Low Countries, England, and finally South Africa.
I am approaching to you because you have a keen interest in women’s literary and commercial fiction. I consider Hawks House (73,000 words, complete) to be a mix of both with, on the one hand, an action-packed plot that tracks Cherry’s transformation from wife and mother to a spy, charged with helping to procure industrial diamonds from South Africa for the Allies, and on the other, significant literary references that clearly impact my heroine’s decision-making. I would love to think that my heroine has a similar irrepressible and often sardonic voice not unlike the inspiring historical heroines of Beatriz Williams.
I’m a retired international tax lawyer, astrologer, and ardent student of philosophy, psychology, and literature. I am also an American who has lived and worked in Europe for many years, having finally settled in Oxford. I have formally studied creative writing and English literature at the University of Oxford and it was whilst studying the work of modernist writers like EM Forster and Virginia Woolf, that I first had the idea for my novel.
I very much hope you will enjoy my work and I look forward to hearing from you.
How you choose to organize your query letter goes a long way toward determining how smoothly it will read and how comprehensible it will be to an agent.
In this case, I’m afraid I found the approach quite confusing. We never quite settle into a plot description, and the query reads more like a list of ingredients of what’s in the novel than an engaging summary of the overall story. It starts and stops in a confusing way and I never quite had a sense of what actually happens in the novel.
Whatever you do, make your plot description cohesive and smooth. It’s by far the most important part of a query. An agent should have a very clear sense of what actually happens in the novel, the overall quest your protagonist(s) is undertaking, and what’s at stake.
Don’t tell them what’s in your novel, show them the story. They need to understand what actually happens.
Also, it’s important to settle on a genre, rather than including three like in this query (women’s fiction, literary fiction, commercial fiction). It’s okay if a book combines elements from more than one genre, but it should have a base and you should have a sense of what shelf your book would sit on within a bookstore.
Here’s my redline:
Dear Agent:
I am approaching to you because you have a keen interest in women’s literary and commercial fiction. [This might just be a placeholder, but personalization should be more specific than this]
Hawks House is aboutCherry,is a fun, gossipy, and well-educated young womanwith a strong voice[Show her strong voice with the query’s voice]who, because of her deeplovesofliterature and tends to see her own story as a book.By scouringShe scours the finest English literatureof her time[“of her time?” When would that be?], she findsmuch-neededfor inspirationonfor [WHAT SHE NEEDS TO DO IN THE PLOT]how best to transition from past to future when the present provides no safe place to stand[The original version of this sentence is very confusing, read it out loud].Her story kicks off in the intriguing pre-war world of travel, privilege, and responsibilities taking her through the Second World War and a bit beyond. It is set in Canada, America, the Low Countries, England, and finally South Africa.
I am approaching to you because you have a keen interest in women’s literary and commercial fiction. I consider Hawks House (73,000 words, complete) to be a mix of both with, on the one hand, an action-packed plot that tracksCherry‘s transformationtransforms from wife and mother to a spy, charged [charged by whom?] withhelping to procureprocuring industrial diamonds from South Africa for the Allies, [why?] and [WHAT CHERRY DOES IN THE NOVEL AND WHAT’S AT STAKE]on the other, significant literary references that clearly impact my heroine’s decision-making[I don’t understand what this is referring to or how literature impacts the actual story].I would love to think that my heroine has a similar irrepressible and often sardonic voice not unlike the inspiring historical heroines of Beatriz Williams.HAWKS HOUSE (73,000 words) will appeal to readers of Beatriz Williams and [SECOND COMP].
I’m a retired international tax lawyer, astrologer, and ardent student of philosophy, psychology, and literature. I am also an American who has lived and worked in Europe for many years,
havingandfinallysettled in Oxford. I haveformallystudied creative writing and English literature at the University of Oxford and it was whilst studying the work of modernist writers like EM Forster and Virginia Woolf,that I first had the idea for my novel.I very much hope you will enjoy my work and I look forward to hearing from you.
Thanks again to Debra!
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Art: A View of Oxford by William Turner
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