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Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Shireena, whose page is below. (Also: TW for abuse).
Anna Bell in ToyLand – Chapter I: The Fall
Genre: Young Adult, FantasyIt is a cold, dark windy night. Anna Bell lies next to a great oak tree sobbing.
She hears her drunken father’s words echoing over and over “you shit, shit, shit’.
She can still smell his alcohol breath as his fist struck her face. Her lips and cheek throb with pain, blood trickles down her mouth. Leaves swirl around her like chaotic birds
Her father’s words keep replaying over and over her like cruel daggers.
“you’re a shit”, you’re nothing, nothing.”
“No, NO”, she screams and, for a moment the images scatter.
The dark voices return saying, “you’re a slut, you’re a whore, you’re no good”.
Anna Bell runs hard, fast.
Finally, she comes to a fence with a no trespassing sign. The sign is crooked, the letters are faded forming the words, “Danger, No Entrance, No Trespassing”.
She climbs over the fence. Only a few rotted boards are left of the coal mine entrance.
As a child she watched her daddy go to work. Her eyes would fix on him as he disappeared into the tunnel. That was many years ago. It’s been years since the coal mine closed for good.
“I love you babe,” daddy said as he kissed his only child before entering the cold shaft elevator.
“I want to go too daddy, take me with you”, Anna Bell cries as she runs stretching her arms reaching for him.
Mom pulls her back kicking and screaming.
“Shuss — you know daddy has to go work. He’ll see us later when he comes home”.
I have seen lots and lots and lots of first pages like this over the years. An author has either internalized the writing advice that you need to grab the reader right away, or they received encouragement from a critique partner to get straight to the dramatic stuff and ditch whatever buildup there was before.
As I say in my guide to writing a novel, it’s great to grab the reader right away. It’s inadvisable to grab them by the throat and start punching them in the face.
This feels like the latter to me. We’re scarcely able to get our bearings before we are getting pummeled with the protagonist’s abuse. What little context there is arrives in a confusing way, it’s unclear where we are entirely, and I really struggled to understand how literally we’re meant to take what’s happening. There’s insufficient context.
It’s so important to help the reader get their bearings at the start of a novel. Help us understand where we are and what the protagonist thinks is happening. Establishing the protagonist’s mindset/motivation/plan/stakes from the get-go will help orient us around what’s going on in the story.
Here’s my redline:
Anna Bell in ToyLand – Chapter I: The Fall
Genre: Young Adult, FantasyIt is a cold, dark windy night. [Cliched opening, not far off from “It was a dark and stormy night.”] Anna Bell lies next to a great oak tree sobbing. [Lies next to a great oak tree where? Establish where we are entirely]
She hears her drunken father’s words echoing over and over. “
yYou shit, shit, shit’.She can still smell his alcohol breath as his fist struck her face [Written in a confusing way, unsure whether this is happening now or if this is a memory]. Her lips and cheek throb with pain, blood trickles down her mouth. Leaves swirl around her like chaotic birds.
Her father’s words keep replaying over and over her like cruel daggers. “
yYou’re a shit”, you’re nothing, nothing.”“No, NO”, she screams and, for a moment the images scatter. [Struggling to visualize the images scattering. Where are we now? What does Anna Bell think is happening?]
The dark voices [Voices plural? There’s more than one?] return
saying,. “yYou’re a slut, you’re a whore, you’re no good”.Anna Bell runs hard, fast. [Runs where? Where are we entirely?]
Finally, she comes to a fence with a no trespassing sign. The sign is crooked, the letters are faded
forming the words,. “Danger, No Entrance, No Trespassing”.She climbs over the fence. [Why? What’s motivating her?] Only a few rotted boards are left of the coal mine entrance. [Struggling to visualize this]
As a child she watched her daddy go to work. Her eyes would fix on him as he disappeared into the tunnel. That was many years ago. It’s been years since the coal mine closed for good.
“I love you babe,” daddy said as he kissed his only child [Head jumping over to the father] before entering the cold shaft elevator. [I’m lost, is this a memory? Is she really seeing him as a vision? What does she think is happening?]
“I want to go too daddy, take me with you”, Anna Bell cries as she runs
stretching her arms reachingand reaches for him.Mom pulls her back kicking and screaming. [Where did “Mom” come from? Struggling to understand what’s happening]
“Shuss [This isn’t a word, do you mean “shush?”] — you know daddy has to go work. He’ll see us later when he comes home”.
Thanks again to Sharina!
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Art: Axel Jungstedt – Painting
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What! Bad-mouthing the brilliant Snoopy, renowned author of one of the best novels ever written by a dog! Speciesism! Modern literature’s diversity is ill-served by so many boringly bipedal novels! Two legs bad! Four legs good!
But seriously, thanks to Shireena and Nathan.