SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: I am very low on queries to critique! This means that if you submit yours, there are fairly good odds I’ll critique yours.
If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to dbwriter, whose query is below.
It has been a hundred years since alien travelers came and brought miraculous machinery to ancient North Africa, and then suddenly left. The few tokens of technology they left behind are now failing, and the economy that once thrived suffers. The Camel Driver’s Daughter is an alternate history fantasy middle grade book of 50,000 words. My book could be shelved with Story Thieves by James Riley or Aru Shah and the End of Time by Roshani Chokshi.
When Nawa’s father, a camel driver becomes injured, she must take her family’s camels across the Sahara to deliver their cargo or face ruin. Her only chance to succeed is Isa, the King’s second son, who poses as a vagrant stable boy. But Isa is on his own quest after the palace suffers an attack. His sister is held captive, and to save her, he must deliver a message across the Sahara to his older half- brother. As they cross the Sahara, someone follows with the intent to kill. Nawa looks to Isa for help, but instead catches him trying to escape. He would abandon her to the assassins, and the evil spirits said to prowl the sands. He denies it, but is Isa using Nawa for his own agenda or are they each other’s only chance for survival?
I write primarily MG fiction, but I’m fascinated by graphic novels, non-fiction, and big lies. My great-grandmother came from Tunisia and I’m in awe by those that came before me. I have three middle grade books published by North Star Press and numerous magazine articles with the latest in Cricket.
Vagueness kills a query. Nearly every single line of this query letter represents a missed opportunity to be more tangible, specific, and vivid.
Not only are we missing out on so much personality and atmosphere, but on a very basic level I struggled to understand the plot. Who or what is attacking the palace? Who is chasing Nawa and Isa? How would Isa potentially be “using Nawa for his own agenda?” I don’t even understand what his agenda is to begin with and what he’s actually trying to do. What happened to these (very vaguely described) alien travelers and their technology, and what does that have to do with Nawa and Isa’s story?
Also, midway through the query the anchor character switches. At first the plot is contextualized from Nawa’s perspective, but then it switches to Isa and back to Nawa again. I’d highly recommend anchoring to one character so the agent doesn’t have to switch gears midway through the query.
And finally, I found the organization of the first paragraph really confusing. We get some context about the broader world of the novel, then the “nuts and bolts” of the genre and word count are smushed in, then we switch to Nawa without any context for how what’s described in the opening paragraph applies to the rest of the plot.
Organize your query letter cohesively. Opinions differ on whether to include the nuts and bolts at the beginning of the query letter or the end (I prefer the end), but don’t smush them into the middle of the plot description.
Here’s my redline.
[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]
It has been a hundred years since alien travelers [missed opportunity to be more vivid and specific] came and brought miraculous machinery [Too vague. Be more specific] to ancient North Africa, and then suddenly left. The few tokens of technology [Too vague. What is this referring to?] they left behind are now failing [Too vague. Failing how?], and the economy that once thrived suffers [Too vague. This doesn’t feel like a middle grade sensibility and it’s not made tangible].
The Camel Driver’s Daughter is an alternate history fantasy middle grade book of 50,000 words. My book could be shelved with Story Thieves by James Riley or Aru Shah and the End of Time by Roshani Chokshi.When [Age] Nawa’s father, a camel driver becomes injured [Too vague. Missed opportunity to be more vivid and specific], she must take her family’s camels across the Sahara to deliver their cargo [Missed opportunity to be more specific about the cargo] or face ruin [Too vague. What does “ruin” mean to her? Missed opportunity to be more specific and tangible] . Her only chance to succeed is Isa, the King’s second son, who poses as a vagrant stable boy [Really confusing phrasing and doesn’t help us understand why Isa is her only chance to succeed]. But Isa is on his own quest [Too vague] after the palace suffers an attack [Too vague]. His sister is held captive, and to save her, he must deliver a message across the Sahara to his older half- brother [Why has the query switched over to Isa? What message is this, and what’s at stake? It’s not even clear who or what is attacking the palace?]. As they [Who is “they?”] cross the Sahara, someone follows with the intent to kill [Extremely, extremely vague. Don’t worry about spoilers, help us understand the villains]. Nawa looks to Isa for help [Help with what?], but instead catches him trying to escape [Escape what and to where?]. He would abandon her to the assassins, and the evil spirits said to prowl the sands. He denies it, but is Isa using Nawa for his own agenda or are they each other’s only chance for survival? [I’m still not really understanding what they have to do and what’s at stake if they succeed or fail].
The Camel Driver’s Daughter is a historical fantasy middle grade novel of 50,000 words. My book
could be shelved[Not a fan of this phrasing, which just means it’s the same genre] will appeal to readers ofwithStory Thieves by James Riley or Aru Shah and the End of Time by Roshani Chokshi.I write primarily MG fiction, but I’m fascinated by graphic novels, non-fiction, [I’d be careful seeming wedded to a lot of different genres, particularly if you’re writing a novel that has the potential for a series. An agent may want you to focus] and big lies [? I don’t understand this]. My great-grandmother came from Tunisia and I’m in awe
byof [“in awe of” or “awed by”] those that came before me. I have three middle grade books published by North Star Press and numerous magazine articles with the latest in Cricket.
Thanks again to dbwriter!
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Art: Eugen Bracht – From the Sinai desert
Regina Montana says
I would love to submit a query for my picture book, but I am not sure you are critiquing queries of that genre. I believe these should be very brief and not give away too much of the plot. I would love to know however. Thank you for your help.
dbwriter says
Thanks, Nathan,
The critique was very helpful and I will rewrite with your suggestions. You gave me a boost to improve and onward to getting an agent!
dbwriter
Lorraine says
Nathan, Thanks for your commitment to your newsletter. It keeps me on my toes when everything else seems to be flagging. I have a question that I have been wanting to ask for a long time. I am in the UK and agents in the UK seem to want very brief query letters with the story outlined in a Synopsis, as opposed to those that you critique. What are your thoughts?
Nathan Bransford says
I’m not quite as familiar with conventions in the UK, to be honest, because I was primarily focused on the market here. I still think the overall principles apply when it comes to plot descriptions, though.
William Cote says
Good day,
Very recently I wrote a poem inspired by a book I received from Capt. Scott Shields who as you may know was one of the many that took part during The Tragic event at The WOrld Trade Center on 9 /11 with his K9 , ” Bear”.
On February 26,2022 I will be among other Artist with Local Gems Press out of Long Island,NY ,in Dickson City,Pa at the Holiday Inn for the 2022 review making my debut.
I’d love to here from others to gain insight as a new writer to be something better. I was wondering if you could provide me a email that I may submit my poem, ” A call for Humanity” by Anteros