If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Craigwriter, whose query is below.
If you’re fed up with fake news, try the fictional kind.
Raised on a military base in Japan, 23-year-old TV news cameraman Tom Miller travels to America for the first time to flee a broken romance. Fluent in Japanese, he stumbles across a scoop about yakuza gangsters siphoning billions from San Francisco’s tourist industry. Tom gets teamed with Japanese American reporter Mark Mori, who knows little about Japan and resents the fresh-off-the-boat white kid for being both more American and more Japanese than Mark sees himself. Despite the rocky partnership, they begin to penetrate the exotic world of duty-free luxury goods and tattoo-covered thugs. Tom recruits his Japanese ex-girlfriend as an “undercover” tourist, hoping to win her back. But when she disappears, the spotlight shifts to the only suspect—Tom.
THE CLOSED CIRCLE is an 80,000-word crime novel loosely based on events I covered as a news and documentary producer during the Japanese tourist boom of the late 80s and early 90s. THE CLOSED CIRCLE is also the first of a proposed crime series featuring Tom and Mark, inspired by the most dramatic stories of my 37-year career, which garnered three Peabodys and 26 regional Emmy awards. I also worked with legendary newsman Don Hewitt to produce a San Francisco version of 60 Minutes.
This is a short plot description that reads smoothly enough, and the key plot elements come through clearly. My main concern is that it all just feels a bit flat. There are missed opportunities throughout to spruce up the voice and weave in more personality.
What is Tom like as a character? What slice of San Francisco is this evoking?
We don’t really have much of a sense of time and place. The specific details that are there (“exotic world of duty-free luxury goods and tattoo-covered thugs“) didn’t feel particularly stirring or even very exotic.
Think about how you can bring style and voice to bear in order to make the agent feel like they’re immersed in the world of your novel.
Here’s my redline.
If you’re fed up with fake news, try the fictional kind.[I would avoid needlessly polarizing frames. This cheeky tagline doesn’t add much]Raised on a military base in Japan, 23-year-old TV news cameraman Tom Miller travels to America for the first time to flee a broken romance [“flee a broken romance” is a missed opportunity to weave in more voice and personality]. Fluent in Japanese, he stumbles across a scoop about yakuza gangsters siphoning billions from San Francisco’s tourist industry [Be more specific, I’m struggling to wrap my head around how they’re siphoning “billions”]. Tom gets teamed with Japanese American reporter Mark Mori, who knows little about Japan and resents the fresh-off-the-boat white kid for being both more American and more Japanese than Mark sees himself. Despite the rocky partnership [Missed opportunity to weave in more voice and specificity], they begin to penetrate the exotic world of duty-free luxury goods and tattoo-covered thugs [More specific details, but I’m not sure “world of duty-free luxury goods” feels particularly “exotic.”]. Tom recruits his Japanese ex-girlfriend [Missed opportunity to describe her more specifically] as an “undercover” tourist [As an undercover tourist doing what?], hoping to win her back. But when she disappears, the spotlight shifts [Missed opportunity to weave in more voice] to the only suspect—Tom.
THE CLOSED CIRCLE is an 80,000-word crime novel loosely based on events I covered as a news and documentary producer during the Japanese tourist boom of the late 80s and early 90s. THE CLOSED CIRCLE is also the first of a proposed crime series featuring Tom and Mark, inspired by the most dramatic stories of my 37-year career, which garnered three Peabodys and 26 regional Emmy awards. I also worked with legendary newsman Don Hewitt to produce a San Francisco version of 60 Minutes.
Thanks again to Craigwriter!
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Art: Wild Heliotrope and Poppies San Francisco by John Marshall Gamble
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