The perspective needs an anchor (page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Vivienne Sang, whose page is below.

Title: Horselords
by V.M.Sang
Fantasy
250 words

Kimi woke to hear sounds of horses whinneying. A gate creaked and she heard galloping hooves. Leaping from her bed she ran to the window of her small bedroom. There, in the darkness, she could just make out a herd of horses disappearing across the plains, with horsemen driving them westward. Her hand flew to her mouth.

Her window overlooked the corral where the family kept their best horses. These animals were now disappearing over the horizon. She rushed to her parent’s bedroom. “The horses have been stolen.” She turned to her brothers’ bedroom to wake them, too.

“Are you sure, Kimi?” her father called as she woke her two brothers. He came out of his bedroom pulling on a pair of the leather trousers the Horselords wore.

The girl came out of her brothers’ room, followed by the young men, Yeldin and Olias. The boys were older than their sister, Yeldin being the elder at almost twenty, and Olias was eighteen. Kimi would be seventeen at her next birthday in two months’ time.

“Of course I’m sure, I heard the gate creak, then the sound of hoofbeats. I looked and saw them galloping off over the plains.”

Olias looked at his sister. “Are you sure they didn’t just jump the gate, or otherwise break it themselves. Did you see anyone?”

Kimi looked at her brother and sighed. “I’m not an imbecile, Oli. Unless the horses have now developed a way of opening the gate, someone did it for them.”

Can you spot the perspective shift in this opening page?

We start off anchored to Kimi and see the initial events through her perspective. But when Kimi’s father emerges from his bedroom, suddenly Kimi is “the girl,” which is someone else’s perspective. Then she’s “his (Olias’s) sister.” Then she’s back to Kimi again.

There isn’t an anchoring perspective here, and this is a subtle version of head jumping. It’s not quite third person limited because we are bouncing around to different characters, nor is it third person omniscient, because there’s not a unified voice narrating the action.

As a result, there’s no voice that’s providing any insight into what’s happening or contextualizing the events from a particular point of view. We don’t get a sense of what any particular character thinks might be happening and what’s at stake, just some pretty vague imagery and dialogue from a disjointed vantage point. There’s also not much physical description to orient us in the setting and help us visualize the characters.

A clear, consistent perspective is crucial in a novel, not just to help the reader anchor their consciousness within a scene, but also to aid with the storytelling and providing the reader with context that helps them understand why what’s happening matters.

Here’s my redline.

Title: Horselords
by V.M.Sang
Fantasy
250 words

Kimi woke [It’s a cliche to start a novel with a character waking up. Why does she need to be waking up? Can’t she just hear the horses?] to hear sounds of horses whinneying. A gate creaked and she heard galloping hooves. Leaping She leaped from her bed she and ran to the window of her small bedroom. There, iIn the darkness, she could just make out [how many?] horsemen driving a herd of her family’s best horses disappearing westward across the plains, with horsemen driving them westward. Her hand flew to her mouth.

Her window overlooked the corral where the family kept their best horses [Convoluted way of just saying they were the best horses]. These animals were now disappearing over the horizon. She rushed to her parent’s bedroom. “The horses have been stolen.”

¶She turned went to her brothers’ bedroom to wake them, too. [Describe with more specificity]

“Are you sure, Kimi?” her father called as she woke her two brothers. He came out of his bedroom pulling on a pair of the leather trousers the that Horselords wore.

The girl Kimi came out of her brothers’ room, followed by the young men, Yeldin and Olias. The boys were older than their sister, Yeldin being was the elderst at almost twenty, and Olias was eighteen. Kimi would be seventeen at her next birthday in two months‘ time.

“Of course I’m sure,” Kimi said. “I heard the gate creak, then the sound of hoofbeats. I looked and saw them galloping off over the plains.” [Avoid repeating what the reader already knows. This feels aimless.]

Olias looked at his sister [Generic gesture]. “Are you sure they didn’t just jump the gate, or otherwise break it themselves. Did you see anyone?”

Kimi looked at her brother and sighed [Two very generic gestures]. “I’m not an imbecile, Oli. Unless the horses have now developed a way of opening the gate, someone did it for them.”

Thanks again to Vivienne Sang!

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Art: Horses at the Porch by Albrecht Adam