Vagueness kills a query (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to brownwr, whose query is below.

Dear Agent,

According to your agency’s website, you are actively seeking middle-grade fiction, so I’m pleased to introduce my novel, Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy.

Kolin Grey and his twin sister Kaira find themselves hurled into a world their parents left behind. When a former Professor enters their store, turning their world upside down. Left with no options, their parents return to their former life, leading to their deaths at the hands of the Order of Night. A group that practices dark wizardry.

Trying their best to adapt, Kolin and Kaira now live with their Grandmother Eleanor Grey, a virtual stranger near the town of Greymorr. A place that chooses not to adopt modern ways. Greymorr and the villages around it would be as if one traveled back to the early nineteen hundreds.

Kolin and Kaira never fit in at their school in the city. For some reason, making friends was not easy, and unable to relate to their classmates. They now attend the same academy as their parents did. An academy that teaches more than your basic subjects, unless you count wand-making basic. They make two new friends, which they can relate to in Avery Stansberry and Walter Thornton.

Kolin and Kaira cannot sit idly by and start unraveling the trail that leads to their parent’s actual killers with help from their friends. Bit by bit Kolin and Kaira learn more about their parent’s magical past and why they kept it a secret.

Kolin Grey and the Misty Moors Academy is complete at 78,000 words of Middle-grade fiction and available at your request. It would appeal to fans that miss the magic of Harry Potter.

I have two children middle-grade reader that inspired me to write my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration

Particularly when your plot feels pretty plucked from some standard genre archetypes (in this case: parents killed by evil society, kids go to magic school), it’s so, so crucial to be very specific about the tangible details of your story in order to give a sense of what makes your novel unique. What makes this novel stand apart from, say, Harry Potter?

Instead, this query is not only written a bit sloppily, but there are so many missed opportunities to be more vivid and specific about what happens in the novel. How were their parents killed? What are the contours of the world, the dark wizardry, the Order of the Night? What do we have in this query that gives us a sense of a specific world with unique characters?

At every turn, there’s vagueness where there should be much sharper details. We also don’t have a sense of the overall plot. Kolin and Kaira essentially have to discover secrets, but what are those? What do they actually have to do? What’s the quest? What’s at stake?

Again, it’s not a matter of adding length. It’s about swapping out the vague phrases with ones that are more precise and vivid.

Lastly, don’t include a household name like Harry Potter as a comp title. An agent’s eyes will glaze over faster than you can say butterbeer.

Here’s my redline.

Dear Agent,

According to your agency’s website, you are actively seeking middle-grade fiction, so I’m pleased to introduce my novel, Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy. [This may just be a placeholder, but the personalization should be more specific than this]

Kolin Grey and his twin sister Kaira find themselves hurled into a world their parents left behind [Missed opportunity to be more specific. Hurled where? What world?]. When a former Professor [Who is this? Include more details] enters their store [enters what store?], turning their world upside down [Cliche, missed opportunity to be more specific]. Left with no options [Too vague. What do they want to do?], their parents return to their former life [Their former life doing what?], leading to their deaths [Be more specific. How did they die?] at the hands of the Order of Night. A, a group [a group of what?] that practices dark wizardry.

Trying their best to adapt [Adapt to what? What are they trying to do?], Kolin and Kaira now live with their Grandmother Eleanor Grey, a virtual stranger near the town of Greymorr. A, a place that chooses not to adopt modern ways. Greymorr and the villages around it would be looks as if one traveled back to it were the early nineteen hundreds.

Kolin and Kaira never fit in at their school in the city [Is their old life particularly relevant for the purposes of the query?]. For some reason, making friends was not easy, and unable to relate to their classmates. They now attend the same academy as their parents did. An academy a place that teaches more than your basic subjects, (unless you count wand-making basic). [I like the stab at including some voice, but I’m a bit disoriented by this sentence] They make two new friends, which they can relate to in: Avery Stansberry and Walter Thornton [contextualize who they are].

Kolin and Kaira cannot sit idly by and [What does figuring out who killed their parents have to do with being “idle?”] start unraveling the trail that leads to their parent’s actual killers with help from their new friends. Bit by bit, Kolin and Kaira learn more about their parent’s magical past and why they kept it a secret. [That’s it? They just learn some things? What’s the arc of the plot? What do Kolin and Kaira actually have to do?

Kolin Grey and the Misty Moors Academy is complete at 78,000 words of Middle-grade fiction and available at your request. It would appeal to fans that miss the magic of Harry Potter. [Do not use Harry Potter as a comp]

I have two children, middle-grade readers, that who inspired me to write my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration

Thanks again to brownwr!

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Art: Kitty Kielland – Peat Bog at Jæren