If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to kbarina113, whose query is below.
Dear [Agent’s name]:
Two estranged brothers finally meet, only to discover that one must kill the other for the kingdom to survive.
After years with only swords and tomes as companions, seventeen-year-old Prince Vaeldhei finds his first true friend with the arrival of his surly half-brother, Mordred—a boy even more familiar with rejection and loneliness than Vael. However, an ancient prophecy haunts Mordred’s footsteps―he is destined to kill their father in a battle that will destroy Camelot. And Mordred’s sorceress mother, Morgan LeFay, will do anything to ensure that he fulfills his destiny.
Unlike the rest of the superstitious kingdom, Vael may not believe in fate’s power, but that means little to Mordred. Despite finding a kindred soul in his brother, Mordred sees no escape from his grim future or his vengeful mother. Though Vael vows to rewrite destiny, he’s not prepared for Morgan’s immense power or Mordred’s hesitancy to defy his mother. Desperate to overcome the sorceress’ manipulations, Vael resorts to enlisting Morgan’s alluring and mysterious former apprentice for aid—a risky move, especially since her loyalties are as conflicted as Mordred’s. If Vael cannot free Mordred from his mother’s twisted grasp, he will have to watch his father and Camelot fall or kill his only friend—his brother.
THE PENDRAGON’S SON is a standalone young adult Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 92,000 words. An excerpt from this manuscript received the Superior Award from the Association of Christian Schools International (ACSI) Creative Writing Contest and the ACSI Regional Creative Writing Festival. I was also chosen by Kelly Hopkins as an unofficial mentee in PitchWars 2016 with this novel. I am a Latina currently living in Pennsylvania with my husband, my reptiles, and my books.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
This query is in good shape! It reads smoothly, I like the first impression of “only swords and tomes as companions,” and I can easily wrap my head around the plot.
Just a few nitpicks. I don’t recommend starting with a log line, although if you’re going to include one, the one here is sharp and clear. I noted just a few places where a bit more specificity would help us understand the plot with more sharpness, and I suggested a few places for tightening.
I also wonder if just a bit more voice could be woven in to give us more of a sense of Vael’s personality. Still, I think this is in a strong place overall.
Nice work! Here are my redlines:
Dear [Agent’s name]:
Two estranged brothers finally meet, only to discover that one must kill the other for the kingdom to survive.[I don’t recommend starting with a log line, although this is a strong version of one]After years with only swords and tomes as companions [Good voice], seventeen-year-old Prince Vaeldhei finds his first true friend with the arrival of his surly half-brother, Mordred—a boy even more familiar with rejection and loneliness than Vael. However, an ancient prophecy haunts Mordred’s footsteps―he is destined to kill their father in a battle that will destroy Camelot. And Mordred’s sorceress mother, Morgan LeFay, will do anything to ensure that he fulfills his destiny.
Unlike the rest of the superstitious kingdom, Vael may not believe in fate’s power, but
that means little to Mordred. Despite finding a kindred soul in his brother,Mordred sees no escape from his grim future or his vengeful mother. Though Vael vows to rewrite destiny, he’s not prepared for Morgan’s immense power [Be more specific about how this manifests itself in the story] or Mordred’s hesitancy to defy his mother. Desperate to overcomethe sorceress’Morgan’s manipulations, Vael resorts to enlistingMorgan’sher alluring and mysterious former apprentice for aid [Be more specific than “for aid.” What specifically does he want her to do?]—a risky move, especiallysince her loyalties are as conflicted as Mordred’s. If Vael cannot free Mordred from his mother’s twisted grasp, he will have to either watch his father and Camelot fall or kill his only friend—his brother.THE PENDRAGON’S SON is a standalone young adult Fantasy novel with series potential, complete at 92,000 words. An excerpt from this manuscript received the Superior Award from the Association of Christian Schools International (ACSI) Creative Writing Contest and the ACSI Regional Creative Writing Festival. I was also chosen by Kelly Hopkins as an unofficial mentee in PitchWars 2016 with this novel. I am a Latina currently living in Pennsylvania with my husband, my reptiles, and my books.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Thanks again to kbarina113!
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I agree. This is well done. Makes me anxious to read the story, the whole purpose of the query