Choose your mysteries carefully (page critique)

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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to HJC, whose page is below.

Southampton, 2019

THE SHIP

Kit stamped her feet on the quayside to keep warm. ‘Where the hell are you!’ she muttered hugging her coat closer in the biting wind. She glanced for the umpteenth time at her mobile phone, but there was no message from her brother. In desperation she rang his number again and left an angry message.

The ship towered over her, making her diminutive figure seem even smaller as she tightly clutched the precious box to her chest. Its commonplace brown paper wrapping concealed its importance. Nobody would ever guess that her life was in that box, at least the foundation of it.

Kit’s eye was drawn to a tall thin man nearby; he was slowly squatting up and down as though to sit on a chair, but there was no chair. Then he began skipping without a rope. She looked away thinking he must be an exercise fanatic.

The noisy loading of new cargo jostled for supremacy over the excited chatter of the hordes of cruise passengers who were about to board. Kit could almost smell their excitement.

Her view of the horizon was suddenly blocked by the exercise fanatic. She blinked as he pointed his mobile phone at her and took a photo. Then he broke into a run towards the ship, but not before she had been greeted with his creepy smile and rotten egg breath. A shudder travelled down her spine and the obnoxious smell of his breath lingered enough to bring an unpleasant taste to her mouth.

She swallowed the fear that rose in her throat. Kit did not relish this journey alone, even though being incarcerated with her brother wasn’t a congenial option either. Where was he? Would he even come?

One of the most common mistakes I see writers make is trying way too hard to create mysteries. Sure, who doesn’t love a good mystery? But when everything is mysterious in a novel, it almost feels like you’re reading a book by someone who vaguely hates you and doesn’t think you really deserve to know what’s happening.

I wouldn’t go quite that far with this page, but the mysteries quickly up in the opening of this novel. What kind of ship is this? Where is Kit going and why? Where is her brother and what happens if he doesn’t show up? What’s in this precious box?

All does not have to be revealed off the bat, but in third person limited perspectives the reader should generally know what the protagonist knows. If you hold out too much you’re probably missing opportunities to heighten the stakes by just letting the reader into the story.

For instance, the key mystery in this scene is whether her brother will show up. But we don’t know why this trip matters entirely, so how are we supposed to invest in that? Is it “If my brother doesn’t show up I’m going to have to move to the United States by myself” or “If my brother doesn’t show up my weekend with my dad is going to be super annoying?”

Instead of building a sharper sense of anticipation around a specific question, we’re just left wondering what’s happening entirely and it makes it difficult to start investing in anything because we don’t know why we should care.

Be super judicious about your mysteries. Don’t just be vague and needlessly hold out on the reader.

Here’s my redline:

Southampton, 2019

THE SHIP

Kit stamped her feet on the quayside to keep warm. ‘Where the hell are you!’ she muttered hugging her coat closer in the biting wind [Avoid overstuffing dialogue tags. I’d also describe the physical setting more completely so the reader knows what to visualize].

¶She hugged her coat closer in the biting wind and glanced for the umpteenth time at her mobile phone, but there was no message from her brother. In desperation [Either be clearer about the stakes and why she’s desperate or just show her desperation]. sShe rang his number again and left an angry message.

The cruise ship towered over her [Describe it more precisely so the reader knows what to picture. Also don’t think it’s worth holding out on the reader that it’s a cruise ship and where Kit is going and why], making her diminutive figure seem even smaller [Whose perspective is this? This feels like third person limited, but would she think of herself as a “diminutive figure?”]. as sShe tightly clutched the her precious box to her chest. Its commonplace brown paper wrapping concealed its importance. Nobody would ever guess that her life was in that box, at least the foundation of it.

Kit’s eye was drawn to [In third person limited perspectives it generally goes without saying that if we’re seeing something on the page it’s because the anchoring character is seeing it] aA tall thin man nearby; he was slowly squatting squatted up and down as though to sit on a chair, but there was no chair. Then he began skipping without a rope. She looked away, thinking he must be an exercise fanatic.

The noisy loading of new crew noisily loaded cargo jostled for supremacy over the excited chatter of the hordes of cruise passengers who were about waiting to board [Convoluted phrasing]. Kit could almost smell their excitement.

Her view of the horizon was suddenly blocked by the exercise fanatic. She blinked [Empty gesture] as hHe pointed his mobile phone at her and took a photo. He gave her a creepy smile, Tthen he broke into a run towards the ship, but not before she had been greeted with his creepy smile and rotten egg breath [Describe action in chronological order]. A shudder travelled down her spine [Generic gesture. Just weave the sentiment into her voice] and tThe obnoxious smell of his breath lingered enough to bring an unpleasant taste to her mouth.

She swallowed the fear that rose in her throat. [Empty gesture, you’re already weaving the uncomfortableness into the voice] Kit did not relish this journey alone, even though being incarcerated [Since we don’t know what she’s doing it’s hard to know how literally to take “incarcerated”] with her brother wasn’t a congenial option either.

¶Where was he? Would he even come? [What’s at stake if he doesn’t?]

Thanks again to HJC!

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Art: Antonio Jacobsen – The Knickerbocker Steamboat