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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Tepelus, whose page is below.
Title: Lake One
Genre: Historical ParanormalChapter 1
Monday, May 28th 1923A mourning dove cooed into the still morning air and dew glistened upon the cemetery lawn. Jennie added a bouquet of iris and sweet rocket, freshly cut from Mom’s garden, to the corpses of flowers blanketing Clara Ann’s grave. Millie wept softly behind her for her murdered friend and troupe partner.
“I know you’d gotten yourself into trouble up in G.R., but I never thought it would come to this. You didn’t deserve to die,” Millie spoke to Clara. She breathed in a deep sigh. “I should have defied Momma and let you live with me when you begged for a place to stay. If I’d implored her long enough, she would have given in. But she didn’t like that you dropped out of high school our senior year. She said only flappers and hussies did that. Living in the opera house wasn’t ideal, but it was a roof. I should have sneaked her in, Jennie. Maybe she’d still be alive.”
Jennie wrapped her arms around her best friend, “Don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t know this would happen. No one knew what she’d really gotten into, only that she was afraid. And the investigation isn’t over, yet. We don’t know if this had anything to do with any kind of trouble in G.R. or not. The police will get us answers.”
One of the trickiest humps to get over as a new writer is learning how to smoothly and crisply deliver exposition to the reader.
It can feel weird at first, like you’re betraying the mindset of a character in a particular time or place, or breaking the fourth wall. And there’s a lot of bad advice out there about what showing vs. telling means, so people think they aren’t “allowed” to deliver exposition entirely.
While I like some of the physical details in this opening page, I found the delivery of the exposition very clunky in several key ways:
- The existing exposition doesn’t provide key info. Exposition should smoothly deliver the context the reader needs to understand the story. But in this case, key details are needlessly omitted (Where are we entirely? How did they learn Millie was murdered, and do they know how she was killed? What kind of a “troupe partner” was she? What is “G.R.?”), which keeps everything shrouded in vagueness. A murder is a totally fine mystery to build around, but when everything is mysterious it stymies the reader from getting their bearings entirely. I doubt it’s really necessary or effective to hold out on things like what G.R. is.
- Key context arrives belatedly. There’s a looping quality to the opening where we learn more about Millie’s relationship with Clara Ann than we do about Jennie’s relationships with Clara Ann and Millie (we only belatedly learn they’re best friends), which is especially confusing because I assume Jennie is the protagonist. Err on the side of contextualizing characters when they’re first introduced.
- Exposition is smushed into dialogue. The key word here is “smushed.” It’s okay to deliver exposition via dialogue when one of the characters genuinely doesn’t know the information, but in this case, Millie’s speech to Cara Ann seems mainly designed to provide exposition to the reader rather than feeling like natural dialogue on its own. It quickly becomes apparent Millie isn’t actually talking to Clara Ann’s spirit, she’s really talking to the reader, and we’re nearly slapped in the face with the artificiality.
The narrative voice is underutilized here to contextualize these vague elements to the reader. Jennie’s voice can just provide the reader with the context they need to understand what’s happening. Remember, you’re storytelling to someone in 2021, not transcribing the thoughts of a fictional character in 1923.
Here’s my redline:
Title: Lake One
Genre: Historical ParanormalChapter 1
Monday, May 28th 1923A mourning dove cooed in
tothe still morning air and dew glistened upon the cemetery lawn [Where are we entirely?]. Jennie added a bouquet of iris and sweet rocket, freshly cut from Mom’s garden, to the corpses of flowers blanketing Clara Ann’s grave. Jennie’s best friend Millie wept softly behind her. Clara Ann, [context for the murder], had been Millie’s for her murderedfriend and troupe partner [Context smushed in in an awkward way, and yet I also don’t know what kind of troupe you’re referring to].“I know you’d gotten yourself into trouble up in G.R., but I never thought it would come to this
.,” Millie said to Clara. “You didn’t deserve to die.” Millie spoke to Clara. She breathed in a deep sigh.[Empty sigh. Avoid generic gestures, particularly in the opening. Show more personality] “I should havedefied Momma andlet you live with mewhen you begged for a place to stay.If I’d implored her long enough, she would have given in. But she didn’t like that you dropped out of high school our senior year. She said only flappers and hussies did that. Living in the opera house wasn’t ideal, but it was a roof.I should have sneaked her in, Jennie. Maybe she’d still be alive. [This all feels like exposition awkwardly smushed into dialogue and doesn’t feel like a natural speech]”[Provide exposition via the narrative voice]
Jennie wrapped her arms around Millie
her best friend[It’s confusing to belatedly arrive at the context that Millie is Jennie’s best friend. Try to contextualize characters when they’re first introduced], “Don’t beat yourself up.You didn’t know this would happen. No one knewwhat she’d really gotten into, only that she was afraid. And the investigation isn’t over, yet.We don’t know if this had anything to do with any kind of trouble in G.R. or not.The police will get us answers.”
Thanks again to Tepelus!
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Art: Pieter Claesz – Still Life with Peacock Pie
Karen says
Ha! I didn’t think this was still on your blog. It’s been a few years since I wrote this and have rewritten it several times, but I thank you for the critique!
Neil Larkins says
Confession: I too have a page here that I’ve since rewritten, but I haven’t taken the time to redo it. (It isn’t even the first page anymore either!) Then again, it didn’t undergo a major rewrite and still stands pretty well on its own.