If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in our discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to vnrieker, whose page is below.
Title: The Patchwork Mansion
Genre: FantasyJane Bane was alone.
She lived with her father, but he was hard and cruel, and his cruelty made Jane feel more alone than if she had no contact with anyone at all.
When she wasn’t in school, she spent her time cleaning and cooking at home, which was a one-room worn-out shack. The shack was out in the middle of an empty, dusty field with very little vegetation and only insects and occasional field mice.
Deep down, Jane wanted a real family, a good family who loved each other, or at least a real friend, like the girls she saw at school who would play hand-clapping games or jump rope, and were always chatting and giggling together. The girls all wore pretty dresses and ribbons in their clean shiny hair. But the girls at school didn’t like Jane to play with them. Jane was too dirty and too shy and too weird. Jane didn’t deserve a real family or real friends.
So, instead, she imagined things. She imagined that she had secret special friends in bugs and mice that understood her, and she would have pretend conversations with someone imaginary who was just like her but better, someone who was fun and funny and kind, and who thought Jane was all those things, too.
But her father didn’t like her daydreaming.“Get your fool head out of the clouds, you nit!” He spat one evening when her sweeping had slowed and then stopped.
There are some strong elements to this page, and I particularly liked the images of the shack in the dusty field and the girls with shiny hair playing games at school. Specific details like that can really immerse the reader in a scene and bring the world of the novel to life.
Unfortunately, I worry there’s some writing in the opening that falls flat. There’s some universalizing when more specific details would help bring the entire page to life, needless repetition, and vacant psychologizing (“Jane didn’t deserve a real family or real friends”) that doesn’t help us connect to Jane as a more singular individual.
Move beyond abstractions and make the entire page sparkle with specific and tangible details. Crystalize a character’s hopes and dreams to help us understand what they want in a precise way. And rather than just showing a character who has given up on something like making friends, show us how they tried and failed to get what they want.
If the entire page were as specific as the images of the girls and the shack, we’d be off to a stronger and more engaging start.
Here’s my redline:
Title: The Patchwork Mansion
Genre: Fantasy
Jane Bane was alone.[Flat opening. Avoid naming universal emotions, show it]
SheJane Bane lived with her father, buthe was hard and cruel, andhis cruelty made Jane feel more alone than if she had no contact with anyone at all.When she wasn’t in school, she
spent her time cleaningcleaned andcookingcookedat home, which was ain their one-room worn-out shack. The shack was outin the middle of an empty, dusty fieldwith very little vegetation[if it’s “empty and dusty” doesn’t it go without saying that there’s very little vegetation?]andwith only insects andoccasionalfield mice.
Deep down, [Deep down? Really? It feels top of mind?] Jane wanted areal family,a good family who loved each other [missed opportunity to show what she hopes for with more specificity], or at least a real friend, like the girlsshe sawat school in pretty dresses and ribbons in their shiny hair whowouldgiggled together and played hand-clapping gamesorand jump rope [Better specific images], and were always chatting and giggling together. The girls all wore pretty dresses and ribbons in their clean shiny hair.But the girls at school didn’t like Jane to play with them. [Show this with more specificity. How did Jane find this out?] Jane was too dirty and too shy and too weird.Jane didn’t deserve a real family or real friends.[This feels like forced psychologizing to me]So, instead, she imagined
things. She imaginedthat she had secret special bugs and mice friends inbugs and micethat understood her [show what she’s imagining with more specificity], and she would have pretend conversations withsomeonean imaginary girl who was just like her but better, someone who was fun and funny and kind, and who thought Jane was all those things, too.
But her father didn’t like her daydreaming.[Just show this][Set the scene and establish her mindset on this particular evening]. Her sweeping slowed and then stopped.
“Get your fool head out of the clouds, you nit!”
Hhe spatone evening when her sweeping had slowed and then stopped.
Thanks again to vnrieker!
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Art: Farmhouse with a stooping Peasant-woman in a blue dress by Vincent van Gogh
Valerie Rieker says
Ah wow, thank you so much, Nathan! This is gold! -Val