If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to JenniferEaton, whose query is below.
Dear {agent}
I saw on Reader’s digest that you were looking for science fiction retellings. I’d love to introduce you to my YA Science fiction novel, CABLE.
What does it mean to be human?
Algebra, history, car repairs, and deciding who to ask to the Sadie Hawkins dance are enough to stress any teenage girl out. Add an explosion over her town and freakish metal parts with a mind of their own showing up in the family barn, and Mollie is up to her ears in weird.
When she and her father start assembling those parts, and their family togetherness project grows arms and legs, Mollie realizes they have more than a heap of rogue scrap metal on their hands. Soon their little secret becomes a big part of their lives, but government officials are searching the town and asking questions. Someone wants Mollie’s new android brother, and that someone might be the same person who blew him up in the first place.
The government doesn’t realize Cable is just a kid in the body of an android, and Mollie and her father will do everything in their power to protect him. However, the more they learn, the more they realize that the Army had an Armageddon-sized reason for blowing Cable up. After being reprogrammed by Mollie’s father, Cable isn’t the android he used to be, but with the fate of the world at stake, that might not be enough to save him.
Cable is a YA loose retelling of The Iron Man/Iron Giant with a touch of Pinocchio, because what highly-intelligent android wouldn’t want to be a real boy?
My three-book YA science fiction series, Fire in the Woods, is currently published by Month9Books in 2014, 2016, and 2017. I have spoken on local author panels and public television in New Jersey and Pennsylvania. I have also traveled to New York to sign at BookCon. I spoke on a panel for diversity at NCSLAA (North Carolina School Library Association), and I just returned from the SE-YA Bookfest in Tennessee.
Thank you for your consideration.
Longtime readers can probably guess my reaction to the start of this query. Death to queries starting with empty rhetorical questions!! What does the question “What does it mean to be human?” accomplish? What does it really tell us about the story? Why not just get to the story? Did you notice that I’m critiquing someone’s use of rhetorical questions with rhetorical questions? Irony!
This is followed, alas, by another one of my query peeves, which is a list of ingredients. As I posted all the way back in 2007: Here’s the problem with Ingredients Queries: Sugar, butter, egg, baking soda, salt, flour, vanilla. Does that make you want to eat a cookie?
I highly recommend centering the protagonist in the story rather than just telling some of the things that are in the book, which will help the agent better understand the sweep of the plot.
But after this rocky start, the query gets pretty good! I like the line “Mollie is up to her ears in weird,” which shows strong voice, and the query mostly reads smoothly from there. Still, I think some more precision around motivation (constructing “freakish” metal parts seems like an odd family togetherness project) would help, and I’d like more specificity around what Mollie and Cable are up against and crystalizing the villain(s).
Remember: you don’t have to tell the agent how the novel ends in a query, but don’t worry about spoilers and err on the side of specificity when describing how the novel unfolds.
Here’s my redline:
Dear {agent}
I saw on Reader’s digest that you were looking for science fiction retellings. I’d love to introduce you to my YA Science fiction novel, CABLE.
What does it mean to be human? [Death, plague, locusts, queries starting with rhetorical questions]
Algebra, history, car repairs, and deciding who to ask to the Sadie Hawkins dance are enough to stress
any teenage girl[age] Mollie out. [I’m not a huge fan of “list of ingredients” to start a query letter. Center the protagonist in the story] When Mollie seesAddan explosion over her town and finds freakish metal parts with a mind of their ownshowing upin the family barn,and Mollie isshe’s up to her ears in weird. [“up to her ears in weird” is good voice]
When she and her fatherMollie and her father start assembling those parts [insert reason], and their family togetherness project grows arms and legs, Mollie realizes they have more than a heap of rogue scrap metal on their hands [I’m not wrapping my head around this. Why did they decide to assemble the parts, I’m confused how they viewed that as a prime bonding experience? And if the parts had a mind of their own didn’t they already know it wasn’t “rogue scrap metal?”]. Soon their little secret becomes a big part of their lives [How? Illustrate this with more specificity], but government officials [be more specific] are searching the town and asking questions. Someone wants Mollie’s new android brother, and that someone might be the same person who blew him up in the first place. [Which is who? Don’t worry about spoilers, be precise about the plot. Help us wrap our heads around the villain]The government doesn’t realize Cable is just a kid in the body of an android, and Mollie and her father will do everything in their power to protect him [Be more specific about what they have to do]. However, the more they learn, the more they realize that the Army had an Armageddon-sized reason for blowing Cable up. After being reprogrammed by Mollie’s father, Cable isn’t the android he used to be [Why not? Be more specific], but with the fate of the world at stake, that might not be enough to save him. [Not sure what the “that” is here. Yes, he’s reprogrammed but what about it might not be enough to save him? Be more precise with this description?]
CableCABLE is a YA loose retelling of The Iron Man/Iron Giant [I’m a little 🤔 about a retelling about a 1968 novel and 1999 movie? Too soon? Or am I just getting old?] with a touch of Pinocchio, because what highly-intelligent android wouldn’t want to be a real boy?[Another confusing rhetorical question. If I were an awesome highly intelligent android I’m not sure I’d want to be a boy? Is this really self-evident?]My three-book YA science fiction series, Fire in the Woods,
is currentlywas published by Month9Booksinfrom 2014, 2016, and–2017. I have spoken on local author panels and public television in New Jersey and Pennsylvania.I have also traveled to New York to sign at BookCon. [This doesn’t rise to the level of what I’d include in query letter] I spoke on a panel for diversity at NCSLAA (North Carolina School Library Association), and I just returned from the SE-YA Bookfest in Tennessee.Thank you for your consideration.
Thanks again to JenniferEaton!
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Art: Bauernhof vor Garmisch by Heinrich Bürkel
Neil Larkins says
This is, as you said, Nathan, a pretty good query sans the rhetorical questions. Stop holding out on the reader; get right to the story.
I had a comment exchange with an author on an FB query critique group about this. She insisted that rhetorical questions were okay because they created interest in the reader who would want to know the answer. I insisted that it wasted the reader’s – agent’s – time. They don’t have enough of that precious commodity to begin with and would jettison a query so written. But she wouldn’t back down. I stopped trying to reason with her.
Ceridwen says
I’m really charmed by the idea of an adopted Android sibling! But I’m curious what Mollie wants from the start and how–specifically–she goes after it. Is she lonely and looking for a friend? Is she hoping to win the robotics fair at school? Knowing what Mollie wants would help us better understand why and how much Cable matters to her.
Ceridwen Hall says
I’m super charmed by the idea of an adopted Android sibling! But I’m curious about what Mollie wants and how–specifically–she goes after it from the start. Is she lonely and looking for a friend? Does she want to win the school robotics fair? Knowing what Mollie wants will help readers better understand why and how much Cable matters to her.