If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Elsie, whose query is below.
Dear Agent [name],
Seeker, the boy who has risen to command the Resistance, tells no one where he came from or why he why he joined the rebellion. His army wouldn’t be so loyal if they knew he wasn’t fighting to restore order to the lawless human kingdom, but for the chance to assassinate the king, who kidnapped him as a child.
Far away, in a beautiful forest full of demons, lives the ghost of a dragoness named Caja. Nothing interesting has happened in her life for centuries, until the day Seeker visits to recruit a dragon for his war, breaking the rules keeping humans and dragons apart. Caja’s dying for adventure and wants to do something important, and she agrees to help him win his war. She soon learns she’s in over her head. A traitor lurks in the Resistance’s ranks. Communications from Seeker’s spies are being disrupted. Something about it all points to inhuman interference, but only Caja seems concerned.
Seeker finds himself in a precarious position as well. He cannot hide his secrets from a dragoness the way he can from humans. Caja slowly loses faith in Seeker and threatens to abandon the Resistance. If Seeker and Caja are to save both their worlds, they must learn to trust each other before the rebellion crumbles or the dragons reignite their old war with the humans.
ALL THE KING’S NAMES is the first book of an outlined YA fantasy trilogy, though it works as a standalone. It is complete at 90,000 words. I have included some sample pages below, and if you are interested in reading more, I can be contacted at [contact info]. Thank you for your time and consideration.
There are some strong elements to this query letter and I particularly like that it has a clear voice that gives a sense of what reading the novel would be like.
That said, I’m afraid this query feels undermined by the choice to jump back and forth between Seeker’s and Caja’s points of view, which ends up being jarring and a bit disorienting. It feels like we’re getting an incomplete glimpse into both of their stories, rather than sticking to one cohesive POV that helps us understand the broad sweep of the overall novel. I neither understood why exactly Seeker wanted revenge on the king and what’s at stake if he wins or loses, nor what Caja was risking trying to help him.
Even if your novel has multiple protagonists, for the purposes of the query it’s helpful to either stick to one POV and contextualize the story from that characters’ lens, or to zoom out and give more of a “god’s eye” look at the story. There is just isn’t enough room in a brief plot description to be jumping around and still have things make sense.
Also, it’s important to convey that you’re not overly wedded to a series being a particular length. Agents and editors want to know that you’ll be flexible in the face of market realities, whether that means a shorter or longer series than you might have originally had in mind.
Here’s my redline:
Dear Agent [name],
[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]
Seeker,
thea [age] boy who has risen to command the Resistance [Resistance against what? Contextualize], tells no one where he came from or why he why he joined the rebellion. His army wouldn’t be so loyal if they knew he wasn’tfighting to restoreinterested in restoring order to the lawless human kingdom [be more specific on what you mean by “lawless human kingdom”], but is only fighting for the chance to assassinate the king, who kidnapped him as a child. [I’m not wrapping my head around this, how is the kingdom “lawless” if there’s a king? Can you articulate more precisely what’s going on in this world?]Far away, in a beautiful [“beautiful” is a generic word, choose something more specific] forest full of demons, lives the ghost of a dragoness named Caja. Nothing interesting has happened in her life for centuries, until the day Seeker breaks the rules keeping humans and dragons apart and visits to recruit a dragon for his war
, breaking the rules keeping humans and dragons apart. Caja’s dying for adventure and wants to do something important, and she agrees to help himwin his war. She soon learns she’s in over her head. A traitor lurks in the Resistance’s ranks [be more specific. How does Caja know?]. Communications from Seeker’s spies are being disrupted [What’s the practical consequence of this?]. Something about it all points to inhuman interference, but only Caja seems concerned. [I’m not understanding how these elements are resulting in Caja being “in over her head?” What’s at stake for her, particularly when she’s already a ghost?]Seeker finds himself in a precarious position as well. He cannot hide his secrets from a dragoness the way he can from humans [What secrets, and what does this endanger?]. Caja slowly loses faith in Seeker and threatens to abandon the Resistance [Jumping back and forth between Seeker and Caja is jarring]. If Seeker and Caja are to save both their worlds [I’m confused, how is Caja’s world in danger?], they must learn to trust each other before the rebellion crumbles or the dragons reignite their old war with the humans.
ALL THE KING’S NAMES is a YA fantasy novel, complete at 90,000 words. It stands alone, but I have ideas for a series. [It’s important to convey flexibility when it comes to series and not be overly wedded to it being a trilogy for the reasons I articulate in this post]
the first book of an outlined YA fantasy trilogy, though it works as a standalone. It is complete at 90,000 words.I have included some sample pages below,and if you are interested in reading more, I can be contacted at [contact info][Include contact info below your signature]. Thank you for your time and consideration.
Thanks again to Elsie!
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Art: Detail of The Immaculate Conception by Giovanni Battista Tiepolo
JOHN T. SHEA says
Interesting! I took it that Seeker wants revenge on the King because the King kidnapped Seeker as a child. And even ghosts of dragons are not invulnerable in this world! Speaking of worlds, I inferred that this a typical Medieval or primeval Fantasy world, with “Resistance” and “Kingdom” and “Demons” and “Dragons” meaning what they usually mean in such stories. Such shorthand saves space and time in a query, but putting an unexpected spin on such tropes can help excite readers’ interest.
Thanks to Elsie and Nathan!