The reader needs context (page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to vldixon, whose page is below.

MOURN THEIR COURAGE

Chapter 1

Inside the Peach Orchard Inn, Lord Liu Jie expected to be murdered. He appreciated that he had a choice in how it might happen.

As to why it might happen, he reread the imperial notice posted behind the bar: “The Son of Heaven requires the aid of all men as sons might come to their father. Yellow Turban rebels assault the people and threaten the capital. All districts report.” A crimson imperial chop blazed in a corner.

He and his family had traveled for months and thousands of li to avoid this exact situation. He’d hoped to advise Emperor Xian, his nephew. Xian listened to corrupt officials. Everyone knew it. If Jie could convince the emperor to abandon his tax plan, people need not starve. Too late. They’d stopped at this inn and found the notice.
In a single moment, his mission had changed from one of protecting the people, to attacking them.

I’ve got over twenty men from home, plus Tong Zhang. Zhang is worth ten fighters, but still, it’s not enough. If Jie did not recruit extra men to answer his emperor’s call, he doomed himself, Zhang and men he’d known for years.

And if I recruit?

He looked over the inn’s packed lower level. There were at least two hundred men to persuad. They needed the right incentive.

He sweated, considering his options. If they find out I daydream conversations with my dead children, they’ll kill me.

I really like the promise of this Peach Orchard Inn, which is a great name and definitely the type of place where I’d kick up my heels and have a glass of the house brew. But I’m afraid I found myself rather baffled by the rest of this page.

It is so, so crucial to put yourself in the shoes of a reader who is unfamiliar with the world of your novel and what is going on in your protagonist’s mind. We don’t know who Jie is. We don’t know what city we’re in. We don’t know where he came from. We don’t know anything. We need to be guided with enough context and specificity to be able to understand what’s happening.

Nearly every detail on this page raises more questions than it answers. It’s unclear why Jie thinks he’s going to be murdered. It’s unclear why it’s too late to advise the Emperor on his tax policy. It’s unclear why Jie’s mission has suddenly changed, what he’s gleaning from the sign, and how and why he needs to recruit the two hundred (!) men currently parked at the Peach Orchard Inn (see? I knew the Peach Orchard Inn was a quality establishment!). Yes, presumably to defend to defend the capital, but how does all of this fit together?

And, in the end, his deepest fear is that people might find out he converses with his dead children? That kind of seems like the least of his worries??

This may have been a case of an author trying to rush to the good stuff on the first page, but it’s better to slow down, take your time, provide physical description and context, and draw the reader in with clear storytelling rather than trying to smush in a high concept hook into an otherwise bewildering first page.

On top of that, the perspective is an awkward mix of first and third person. Yes, it’s okay to break into third person with some inner thoughts, but I’d do it sparingly and only when it accomplishes something that can’t be handled with third person.

Here’s my redline:

MOURN THEIR COURAGE

Chapter 1

Inside the Peach Orchard Inn, Lord Liu Jie expected to be murdered inside the Peach Orchard Inn. He appreciated that he had a choice in how it might happen.

[Orient the reader with physical description. What does the Peach Tree Inn look like? Who is present?]

As to why it might happen he might be murdered, he reread the imperial notice posted behind the bar: “The Son of Heaven requires the aid of all men as sons might come to their father. Yellow Turban rebels assault the people and threaten the capital. All districts report.” A crimson imperial chop blazed in a corner. [This doesn’t explain why Jie thinks he might be murdered?]

He Jie and his family had traveled for months and thousands of li [traveled from where to where?] to avoid this exact situation [What exact situation? Be more specific]. He’d hoped to advise Emperor Xian, his nephew. Xian listened to corrupt officials. Everyone knew it. If Jie could convince the emperor to abandon his tax plan, people need not starve. Too late. [What is too late?] They’d stopped at this inn and found the notice. [Who is “they?”]

In a single moment, his mission had changed from one of protecting the people, to attacking them. [It did? When?]

I’ve got over twenty men from home, plus Tong Zhang. Zhang is worth ten fighters, but still, it’s not enough. [Did we just switch perspective? Or is this an inner thought?] If Jie did not recruit extra men to answer his emperor’s call, he doomed himself, Zhang and men he’d known for years. [I’m not tracking. Why are they doomed?]

And if I recruit?

He looked over the inn’s packed lower level. There were at least two hundred men to persuade [There are two hundred men in the inn? That’s not what I was visualizing?]. They needed the right incentive.

He sweated, considering his options [What are the options he’s considering?]. If they find out I daydream conversations with my dead children, they’ll kill me. [I mean, people finding out he converses with the dead sounds like the least of his worries?]

Thanks again to vldixon!

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Art: Gillis van Hulsdonck – Still life with peaches in a Chinese bowl