Don’t give your plot description short shrift (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Shani, whose query is below.

Dear [Agent],

I am seeking representation for my paranormal mystery novel, THIEF OF BREAN. The book is complete at 75000 words and is first in a planned duology.

A serial murder case with no witness or evidence is Detective Carleton Lavely’s last shot at keeping his job.

The murders have a common pattern—a slit on the wrist. But the case isn’t his only concern. He is also experiencing voices and images in his head; he can talk to fire and draw people’s past with soot—all triggered by the consumption of a magical drug at the height of inebriation.

When Carl finds Lily—a victim of mafia mugging and attempted murder, he draws a similarity between the killing patterns—slitting of the wrist. Lily’s claim about the killer mafia gang seems to be straightforward. But Carl must know better. He must see through the deceit. Finding the real killer could require Carl to do more than just mortal investigations. And facing the killer could mean facing one’s own death.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

There are some intriguing elements to this story, and I like the idea of a down and out detective who drunkenly consumes a magical drug that lets him talk to fire.

My main concern is that this plot description feels a bit clipped. It’s not giving us enough of a sense of what led to Carl being in his current predicament and it’s not clear to me what he actually has to do in order to find the killer. I’m also not quite getting enough of a sense of his personality.

Don’t worry about spoilers, and give us a sense of how this plot stands apart from all the other paranormal detective novels out there. Draw upon more voice in order to infuse the query with Carl’s voice.

The plot description is by far the most important element in a query letter. It’s good to try to keep your query letter below 350 words, but I would err on the side of really utilizing those words to make sure that your plot description is popping.

Here’s my redline:

Dear [Agent],

[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]

I am seeking representation for my 75,000 word paranormal mystery novel, THIEF OF BREAN. The book is complete at 75000 words and is first in a planned duology. It stands alone but I have ideas for expanding it into a series. [It’s important to convey flexibility with series]

After [What led to Carl being down to his last chance] , Aa serial murder case with no witness or evidence is Detective Carleton Lavely’s last shot at keeping his job. [This feels like a missed opportunity to add more flavor. What’s unique about the cases? What’s Carl like?] The murders have a common pattern—a slit on the wrist. But the case isn’t his Carl’s only concern. He is also experiencing voices and images in his head; he can talk to fire and draw people’s past with soot—all triggered by the consumption of ever since he drunkenly consumed a magical drug at the height of inebriation.

When Carl finds Lily—a victim of a mafia mugging and attempted murder,—he draws a similarity between with the killer’s pattern killing patterns—slitting of the wrist. Lily’s claim about the killer mafia gang seems to be straightforward. B, but Carl must know better. He must see through the deceit. Finding the real killer could require Carl to do more than just mortal investigations [Missed opportunity to weave in more specificity about what Carl actually has to do]. And facing the killer could mean facing one’s own his death. [Awkward phrasing]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks again to Shani!

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Art: The Night Watch by Rembrandt