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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to B.L. Taggart, whose page is below.
Owning the Path (Women’s Fiction-Historical)
October 1944
The silence didn’t alert Kate Fanning to the trouble when she entered the house. Her parents ended their frequent arguments by not speaking, so she was used to quiet. It was the random noise—a slammed cupboard door, a pan banging on the stove, a spoon clattering in the sink. It had to be her mother. Her father was sitting in his favorite chair, scowling at the newspaper in his lap, and no one else would have made such a commotion with him in the house.
On her way to investigate, she couldn’t avoid passing him. He glanced at her, made a show of ruffling the paper, and returned to his reading. She paused in the doorway. Her mother sprinkled salt and pepper on a simmering pot, then thumped the shakers hard on the counter.
“Hi, Mother,” Kate said.”
Margaret sucked in her breath through closed teeth. “Goodness! I didn’t hear you come home,” she said.
“I’m sorry. What’s wrong?”
“Your dad’s insisting you pay rent. He thinks it’s time you contributed to the household expenses. I argued with him, but I wasted my effort. His bullheaded notions make me crazy!”
“Rent?” Kate said. “Why didn’t he say something before I paid tuition? He knew I was registering at Wagner. I have to give them most of my pay for a year. I can’t manage both.”
“He knows,” Margaret said. “He says it’s throwing money away for a girl to go to college. He says you’ll get married and quit school.”
I’m afraid I found it difficult to get in a groove with this first page.
The opening paragraph gets off to a bit of a disorienting start, with a tongue-twisty opening line about how silence didn’t alert her to trouble, then we find out that she’s used to quiet, and then she hears a noise, but the noise also doesn’t really seem to be the trouble? It’s not quite adding up in a clear way and I’m struggling to wrap my head around Kate’s mindset and what she thinks is happening.
Particularly for historical fiction, I don’t feel immersed in this setting. We aren’t able to visualize this house, and it’s not even apparent what Kate’s mother is cooking, which is a missed opportunity to appeal to the reader’s senses and provide some more context for what this family is like.
Instead, we have some heavy-handed dialogue that smushes in exposition and lurches into the plot. Careful not to over-rely on dialogue, and utilize the narrative voice to orient the reader within the story.
Lastly, did you spot the perspective break? The opening feels like it’s third person limited tied to Kate, but then when Kate arrives in the kitchen, in a confusing shift Kate’s mother is suddenly called “Margaret,” which doesn’t seem to be Kate’s perspective. It’s a potential harbinger for head jumping.
Here’s my redline:
Owning the Path (Women’s Fiction-Historical)
October 1944
The silence didn’t alertKate Fanningto the trouble when sheenteredtheher house and the silence didn’t alert her to any trouble. Her parents ended their frequent arguments by not speaking, so she was used to quiet. It was the random noise—She heard a slammed cupboard door, a pan banging on the stove, a spoon clattering in the sink. It had tobehave been her mother. [Missed opportunity to weave in more of Kate’s mindset, what she’s making of her mother being in the kitchen, and what’s motivating her]¶Her father
was sittingsat in his favorite chair, scowling at the newspaper in his lap, and no one else would have made such a commotion with him in the house. [I’m struggling to visualize the overall space. Orient us with crisp and clear physical description]On her way to investigate, she couldn’t avoid passing him.Heglanced at her[This feels like an empty gesture],made a show of ruffling the paper, and returned to his reading.[Show Kate going to the kitchen and describe it so the reader knows what to visualize]. She paused in the doorway. Her mother sprinkled salt and pepper on a simmering pot, then thumped the shakers hard on the counter. [Missed opportunity to appeal to the reader’s senses]
“Hi, Mother,” Kate said.
Margaret [Perspective shift. Why is she suddenly “Margaret?”] sucked in her breath through closed teeth. “Goodness! I didn’t hear you come home,”
she said.“I’m sorry. What’s wrong?”
“Your dad’s insisting you pay rent.
He thinks it’s time you contributed to the household expenses.I argued with him, but I wasted my effort. His bullheaded notions make me crazy!”“Rent?” Kate said. “Why didn’t he say something before I paid tuition? He knew I was registering at Wagner [Exposition smushed into dialogue]. I have to give them most of my pay for a year. I can’t manage both.”
“He knows,” Margaret said. “He says it’s throwing money away for a girl to go to college. He says you’ll get married and quit school.”
Thanks again to B.L. Taggart!
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Art: Anton Schrödl – Rauchkuchl
lehcarjt says
I was tripped up by the opening line also. The order of events is backwards with two double negatives.
“The silence didn’t alert Kate Fanning to the trouble when she entered the house.”
What actually happens if we are riding in Kate’s head is: She enters the house, then she hears nothing, then she therefore fails to recognize that there is trouble. Written in order, the awkwardness is more obvious.