Don’t lose sight of what’s on and off the page (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Gregmc, whose query is below.

Dear {agent},

{Insert personalization} I am eager to introduce you to my debut fantasy novel, Induction.

How far would you go to fulfill a promise?

Daniel Tree believed he’d turned over a new leaf. A new town, a respectable job and a fantastic girlfriend overshadowed years as an orphan on the streets.

But after divine conscription, Daniel must serve for three years or death, whichever comes first. Starting tomorrow morning. Despite slim odds of survival and irrational fear of promises, he vows to return.

Kaedre, his god, sees Daniel as a tool with intriguing potential. To start, she’ll demand that he learn his new powers, reconcile his parents’ deaths, and join an assault on an enemy stronghold. If he survives his first week, she will invest more in him. If he dies, she has thousands of Chosen and will conscript more. A tool’s usefulness isn’t measured in longevity alone.

Within five days, Daniel will have to embrace his past while figuring out where his allegiances lie. He’ll also have to weigh the cost of breaking his promise against the means required to fulfill it. If he goes too far, wouldn’t it be better not to return at all?

This manuscript is complete at 97,000 words and the first of a three-book series, which is also marketable as a standalone work. I believe it would appeal to those who enjoyed Suzanne Collins’s The Hunger Games trilogy and Leigh Bardugo’s Crooked Kingdom, or similar works around fast-paced stories and gray moral conflict.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.

Longtime readers will know that my teeth were already on edge with the opening rhetorical question in this query, but even setting aside that unfortunate choice, I’m afraid this is a textbook case of an author who has lost sight of what is and isn’t on the page and what a reader can reasonably be expected to infer about a plot.

At nearly every turn I found myself baffled by what was being described because there’s insufficient context for the key concepts. Nearly every detail is described in the vaguest possible way. What is divine conscription? What kind of a god is Kaedre? What powers does Daniel have? What’s this new job he’s psyched about? I don’t even really understand the promise that forms the basis of the (shudder) opening rhetorical question?

I don’t think there’s much that’s salvageable here and I’d completely start over from scratch. First, make sure all the key elements are present by generating a query from my handy dandy query template, which will give a much clearer sense of Daniel’s overall quest. The reader should understand what Daniel is actually trying to do over the course of the novel and what’s at stake.

Stick to Daniel’s perspective rather than switching over to Kaedre mid-query. Be very specific and clear with all the details. And rather than just blithely dropping concepts like “divine conscription,” explain what that means with quick, crisp context. Lastly, try to weave more of Daniel’s voice and personality into the query.

I know how hard it is to write queries. I’ve had to do it myself. It’s easy to psych yourself out because you don’t have much space and there’s a lot to fit in. But you’ve gotta get the big things right: the protagonist’s quest, the specific flavor and details, and the overall voice. Start with those, add in context and explainers to orient the reader, and you should be in a stronger place.

Here’s my redline:

Dear {agent},

{Insert personalization} I am eager to introduce you to my debut fantasy novel, Induction.

How far would you go to fulfill a promise? [Death, locusts, plagues, queries beginning with rhetorical questions]

After years of living as an orphan on the streets of [insert where we are], [age] Daniel Tree believed he’d turned over a new leaf. A with a new town [Be more specific], a respectable job [be more specific] and a fantastic girlfriend overshadowed years as an orphan on the streets. [Confusing phrasing and extremely vague details. Add more flavor with specificity]

But after divine conscription [I don’t understand what this means], Daniel must serve [must serve what?] for three years or death, whichever comes first. Starting tomorrow morning. Despite slim odds of survival [Why?] and irrational fear of promises [I don’t understand what this means], he vows to return [vows to return where?].

Kaedre, his god [be more specific about what it means that she’s “his” god], sees Daniel as a tool with intriguing potential [Avoid shifting the perspective in a query. Stick to Daniel. I also don’t really understand what this means. A tool for what? What potential?]. To start, she’ll demand that he learn his new powers [What new powers?], reconcile his parents’ deaths [What does it mean to “reconcile” his parents’ deaths? Reconcile with what?], and join an assault on an enemy stronghold [Extremely vague. What enemy stronghold?]. If he survives his first week, she will invest more in him [Invest what?]. If he dies, she has thousands of Chosen [What is a “Chosen?”] and will conscript more. A tool’s usefulness isn’t measured in longevity alone.

Within five days, Daniel will have to embrace his past [What does it mean for him to “embrace” his past? Be more specific] while figuring out where his allegiances lie [What actual choice is he facing?]. He’ll also have to weigh the cost of breaking his promise against the means required to fulfill it [I don’t understand what this means. What promise?]. If he goes too far, wouldn’t it be better not to return at all? [Focus the final line around his “quest.” What does Daniel actually have to do and what’s at stake?]

This manuscript Induction is complete at 97,000 words. It stands alone but could be expanded into a series. and the first of a three-book series, which is also marketable as a standalone work. I believe it would appeal to those who enjoyed Suzanne Collins’s The Hunger Games trilogy and Leigh Bardugo’s Crooked Kingdom, or similar works around fast-paced stories and gray moral conflict.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this.

Thanks again to Gregmc!

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Art: Bacchus and Ariadne by Titian