If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to kimharnes, whose query is below.
Dear Agent,
Miriam’s boyfriend has been murdered, and she’s placing the blame on God. Hell-bent on rebelling against anything that has to do with church, including her hypocritical mother and the peer counseling that’s been forced upon her for showing up to youth group drunk, she has put up walls even the trumpets at Jericho would have trouble bringing down.
Though her peer counselors have the best of intentions, Miriam is perfectly content to be perfectly miserable, and she flings scripture back at them like Satan at the Last Temptation of Christ. One by one they count her a lost cause—an unrepentant sinner—until only her last option remains, but this new guy is not taking the same tactics as the rest of the counselors who came before him. Miriam can’t exactly trash his logic and deny his reasoning if he won’t debate Christianity with her like the rest.
Though he is effective in his unorthodox tactics and making progress where no one else could even scratch the surface, he is genuinely charming and handsome. Miriam, in addition to being angry at everyone for everything, is crippled by feelings of betrayal to her dead boyfriend when she even thinks about the possibility of moving on.
Especially with a Pastor’s Kid.
Desperate to have someone make sense of her wretched existence, she finally turns to God—waiting impatiently for answers as to why He lets bad things happen to good people. But when she finally does hear His voice, He asks her to do the impossible. He asks her to forgive: her boyfriend’s murderer, her alcoholic mother, and ultimately, herself.Complete at 62,000 words, SECOND CHANCE is a YA Contemporary Christian novel that answers some tough questions about free will, forgiveness, and God’s hand in it all.
My debut novel, a YA Psychological Thriller titled STILL PHOTO, was released by Evernight Teen in 2014. It jumped to the top 5 in sales almost immediately after publication, and spent 11 months at #1. It has received excellent reviews, and was a finalist for ET’s Best YA and Killer Nashville Reader’s Choice awards. I am also an active member of the SCBWI, and have led the local critique group and taught several workshops on the craft of writing.
The first three chapters of SECOND CHANCE appear below for your consideration. Please let me know if you have any questions, comments, or if you would like to see more of the manuscript.
Thank you for your time.Sincerely,
Kim
This query reads smoothly overall (even with a few overstuffed sentences), and there’s a strong overall voice. I like some of the turns of phrase like “she has put up walls even the trumpets at Jericho would have trouble bringing down,” which give a sense of the overall tenor of the novel.
That said, these turns of phrases also feel like a double-edged sword because I’m not sure they feel like they’re reflecting Miriam’s voice. Instead, the overall orientation of the query makes it feel more like there’s a third party narrator who’s diagnosing her in a more abstract way and from an adult perspective. For instance: “Hell-bent on rebelling against anything that has to do with church.” Is that really how Miriam would describe what she’s doing?
One of the best ways to bring a protagonist’s personality to life in a query letter is by weaving their voice into the plot description and keeping the query framed from their perspective. In this case, I think Miriam might feel more active and we’d have a keener sense of her personality and what makes her unique if we were a bit more attuned to how the events of the novel looked from her POV and if more of this were written in her voice.
Also, this query is quite long at 417 words even without personalization. I highly recommend shooting for 250-350 words, including personalization, and there’s quite a bit here that feels like it could be streamlined.
Here’s my redline:
Dear Agent,
[Insert personalized tidbit to show the agent that you researched them individually]
Miriam’s boyfriend has been murdered [Consider being more specific about the circumstances?], and she’s placing the blame on God. She’s hell-bent on rebelling against anything that has to do with church [This feels a tad diagnostic, reframe this from her voice?], including her hypocritical mother and the peer counseling that’s been forced upon her
for showingafter she showed up to youth group drunk.,sShe has put up walls even the trumpets at Jericho would have trouble bringing down [I like the image but is this Miriam’s perspective? Is she this self-aware?].
Though her peer counselors have the best of intentions, Miriamis perfectly content to be perfectly miserable[I’m confused, is she tearing everything down or is she content to be miserable?], and sheflings scripture back at them like Satan at the Last Temptation of Christ. O, and one by one they count her a lost cause—an unrepentant sinner—, until only. hHer last option [option for what?]remains, but thisis a genuinely charming and handsome new guyis not taking the same tactics as the rest of the counselors who came before him., and Miriam can’t exactly trash his logicand deny his reasoningif he won’t debate Christianity with her like the rest. Miriam feels crippled by feelings of betrayal to her dead boyfriend [be more specific about the feelings], especially when the new guy’s a Pastor’s Kid.
Though he is effective in his unorthodox tactics and making progress where no one else could even scratch the surface, he is genuinely charming and handsome. Miriam, in addition to being angry at everyone for everything, is crippled by feelings of betrayal to her dead boyfriend when she even thinks about the possibility of moving on.
Especially with a Pastor’s Kid.
Desperate to have someone make sense of her wretched existence, she finally turns to God [Be more specific about how she does this]—waitingand waits impatiently for answersas to why He lets bad things happen to good people. But when she finally does hear His voice, He asks her to do the impossible. He asks her to forgive: her boyfriend’s murderer, her alcoholic mother, and ultimately, herself.Complete at 62,000 words, SECOND CHANCE is a YA Contemporary Christian novel t
hat answers some tough questions about free will, forgiveness, and God’s hand in it all. [Opinions vary but I think themes tend to feel flat in a query letter and it’s best to just make them self-evident from the plot description] My debut novel, a YA Psychological Thriller titled STILL PHOTO, was released by Evernight Teen in 2014. It jumped to the top 5 in sales [Top 5 in sales of what?] almost immediately after publication, and spent 11 months at #1. It has received excellent reviews, and was a finalist for ET’s Best YA and Killer Nashville Reader’s Choice awards. I am also an active member of the SCBWI, and have led the local critique group and taught several workshops on the craft of writing.
The first three chapters of SECOND CHANCE appear below for your consideration.Please let me know if you have any questions, comments, or if you would like to see more of the manuscript.Thank you for your time.Sincerely,
Kim
Thanks again to kimharnes!
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Art: The Seven Trumpets of Jericho by James Tissot
Elsie says
Honestly this was a really great query to begin with–I’d read it, and I’m very, very atheist.
Cari says
Kim, I would absolutely read the book based on the original query, but I agree with all of Nathan’s points. The only additional thing that I would question is the use of Satan at the Last Temptation of Christ. The fact that you use all caps leads me to believe you are referencing the book/movie, which I don’t think YA audiences will be familiar with, even those who read Christian books. If you are just referencing the “event” from the Gospels, than it doesn’t need to be in caps, right? I’ll be watching for your book!
Cari says
*Sorry, my last comment is probably not necessary. For some reason, I was thinking about the audience and not the agent/publisher reading it, and of course they would be familiar with it. Guess I was too impulsive! My apologies 🙁
Anne Cralle says
I want to read this book based on the original query! Well done! Definitely engaging! I do not know how to use redline but here is my attempt at the first part of your query, incorporating Nathan’s suggestions, but mostly based on my current experiences parenting a spiritual, loving, teenager who struggles greatly with why bad things happen to good people.
Dear Agent,
An evil man murdered David yesterday. Miriam’s first boyfriend. Tall, kind, math team captain, David. Sixteen years old with cocoa brown eyes and a heaven sent smile. A really good person. A Christian like her.
Before David’s murder, Miriam believed everything her parents and pastor taught her about God’s love and mercy. Miriam now knew the adults were liars.
It was God’s fault David was dead. God should have kept David safe. Miriam would never forgive God.
Hell bent on rebelling against her faith, Miriam shows up drunk to church youth group. Forced to attend Christian peer counseling sessions, Miriam is rude to the well intentioned teens. She lashes out at them, with hurt and hate in her heart.
Miriam goes through counselors like tissues. She refuses their attempts to comfort her. Building a wall around herself which not even the trumpets of Jericho could shake, Miriam becomes more isolated and miserable. She also rudely dismisses any attempts to help her heal through scripture.
Five months after David’s murder, Michael becomes her counselor. Oh, great, Miriam thinks. They are bring out the big guns now. Michael is the pastor’s kid.
Michael does not approach Miriam with sympathy or scripture. He calls her out on all the horrible things she has said and done since David’s death. He tells her that being hurt is no excuse for hurting others. He talks to her about how he has experienced God in his own life through good times and bad.
Michael’s unorthodox strategy works. They develop a friendship. Miriam feels attracted to Michael. This attraction makes her feel as if she is betraying David. And Miriam is still angry with God. Her anger is affecting every part of her life. Michael suggests she talk to God.
Desperate to feel better, Miriam takes Michael’s advice. God asks her to do the impossible. He asks her to forgive. To forgive everybody, including the monster who murdered David.
Cate B says
Enjoyed the query & the revisions, but is her mother “hypo” (under) critical? Thanks!