The flavor is in the details (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to kimharnes, whose query is below.

Enclosed please find my query for THE CHARM OF TIME, a contemporary romance for adults complete at 76,500 words.

Late one evening, Christianne Morand, police detective, shows up with her broken down car at Rory MacDonald’s garage and auto body shop. The last thing she expects is a second chance at love. Yet their sudden attraction leads them to dinner, hours of conversation and, after she invites him up to her place, a long night of intense passion.

It seems like a happily ever after, but even while they attempt to learn about each other and maintain their newfound closeness, past secrets and mistakes begin to hound them. During a weekend getaway in the Alps, the world-famous chef at their hotel is found dead. Christianne and Rory are beset by danger when the murderer realizes they are witnesses. Worse, he’s recognized Christianne as the investigating detective in a past case. She failed to convict the man he thought responsible for the death of his family, and he’s determined to find justice.

As threats to their lives come swifter and closer, Christianne and Rory’s newfound love is tested. They must reveal their deepest selves and trust each other, in order to work together at securing their best chance at forever.

THE CHARM OF TIME would appeal to all readers of travel-based romance, deeply emotional stories such as T. L. Watson’s Going Back, or romantic suspense along the lines of Lara Lacombe’s Pregnant by the Colton Cowboy.

Thank you for your consideration.

One of the most common problems I see in query letters is a lack of specificity.

I totally understand the challenge. Query letters are hard! I know, I’ve had to write them myself. It’s not easy to shoehorn your life’s work into a pithy 250-350 word summary.

It’s tempting to just summarize the events in order to make the story broadly make sense and call it a day. But here’s the thing: if all you do is write abstract/zoomed out summaries, you’re going to completely miss what makes your novel unique.

This query is an almost textbook example of a plot summary that would be enlivened with more precise detail. “Their sudden attraction” could be “Her face turns redder than Rory’s beloved ’57 Chevy.” “Hours of conversation” could be “gabbed until midnight.” “Determined to find justice” could be “otherwise he’ll find his justice with the wrong end of a shotgun.”

I’m not suggesting that writers add vastly to the word count in order to provide more detail. It’s a matter of swapping out the vague and flat summaries with phrases that capture the essence but with more individualized detail. Yes, the suggestions above are a bit longer, but not drastically so. This is the best way to make any plot summary, including jacket copy, feel more unique and individualized.

Summarize with specificity. If you took every vague phrase I mark in this query and replace it with one that includes more individualized flavor and detail in a way that weaves in the characters’ voices, this query letter would spring to life.

Here’s my redline:

[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]. Enclosed [You shouldn’t “enclose” a query, send it in the body of an email] please find my query for THE CHARM OF TIME, a contemporary romance for adults complete at 76,500 words.

Late one evening, [adjective] police detective Christianne Morand, police detective, shows up with her broken down car [missed opportunity to add more flavor/speficity. What kind of her car?] at Rory MacDonald’s garage and auto body shop. The last thing she expects [Cliche] is a second chance at love. Yet their sudden attraction [Missed opportunity to add more flavor/specificity] leads them to dinner [Missed opportunity to add more flavor/specificity], hours of conversation [Missed opportunity to add more flavor/specificity] and, after she invites him up to her place, a long night of intense passion. [Missed opportunity to add more flavor/specificity]

It seems like a happily ever after [Missed opportunity to add more flavor/specificity], but even while they attempt to learn about each other and maintain their newfound closeness [Missed opportunity to add more flavor/specificity], past secrets and mistakes begin to hound them [Missed opportunity to add more flavor/specificity]. During a weekend getaway in the Alps [Good specificity!], the world-famous chef [good specificity!] at their hotel is found dead. Christianne and Rory are beset by danger [Missed opportunity to add more flavor/specificity] when the murderer realizes they are witnesses. Worse, he’s recognized Christianne as the investigating detective in a past case [Missed opportunity to add more flavor/specificity]. She failed to convict the man he thought responsible for the death of his family, and he’s determined to find justice. [Good specificity!]

As threats to their lives come swifter and closer [Missed opportunity to add more flavor/specificity], Christianne and Rory’s newfound love is tested [Missed opportunity to add more flavor/specificity]. They must reveal their deepest selves and trust each other, in order to work together at securing their best chance at forever. [Missed opportunity to add more flavor/specificity]

THE CHARM OF TIME is a contemporary romance novel, complete at 76,500 words. It would appeal to all readers of travel-based romance [This is overly broad for comps], deeply emotional stories such as T. L. Watson’s Going Back, or romantic suspense along the lines of and Lara Lacombe’s Pregnant by the Colton Cowboy. [Insert brief bio]

Thank you for your consideration.

Thanks again to kimharnes!

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Art: Albert Bierstadt – Piz Bernina, Switzerland