Sharpen your plot description (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to lynellebarrett, whose query is below.

Dear [Agent Name],

During the American Revolution, budding witch Elizabeth Morrow is forced to hide her powers from an unaccepting village. Terrified of being discovered, she easily falls in line and avoids the other townspeople. Or at least, she obeys until she clashes with Jacob Nash, a haughty surgeon from an affluent family. Having met as children, their scorn and rancor towards one another mounts while they aid in the Rebel cause.

In a cruel twist of fate, Elizabeth’s father dies and leaves her family destitute. Despite her mother warning how dangerous it is to work with non-magical people, Elizabeth is hired as a servant for Jacob’s family. With the colonies now at war, Jacob resolves to offer his medical services to the cause. Because of Elizabeth’s sharply honest tongue, he decides she will be a truthful contact for familial affairs. He requests that she write to him. And in spite of their initial discomfort with these letters, it isn’t long before Elizabeth’s written word sustains Jacob and brings him peace of mind. Elizabeth is equally enamored by his correspondence, and when he finally returns home, broken and jaded after six long years of war, they develop a secret romantic relationship. While they meet behind closed doors, Elizabeth discovers that touching Jacob can literally soothe his ailing mind. But with that power – the power to relieve his trauma from the warfront – comes an unwanted pregnancy that destroys their lives.

In Honey and Gunpowder, a sensual tale of first love and betrayal, Elizabeth is ultimately cast aside in favor of Jacob’s inheritance. Despite the painful snub, she soon realizes their baby is all she’s ever needed in life. But when their daughter takes ill, Elizabeth returns to the Nash manor to beg for Jacob’s medical expertise. Another Nash family servant, jealous of Elizabeth’s potential to rise in station, lies and says he will not come. Elizabeth is forced to return home empty-handed and their baby dies. Blinded by rage, she curses Jacob into becoming a creature of the night. He dies and reanimates as a vampire, spiraling them both into a bloody dance that puts Elizabeth’s goodness at risk.

This novel of 85,000 words is paranormal historical fiction with a strong romantic undercurrent. It will appeal to readers who enjoy Susanna Kearsley (Bellewether) and Luanne G. Smith (The Vine Witch), as well as pop cultural influences like Hamilton and Dan Curtis’ Dark Shadows. There is potential for this novel to be a series.

My name is [my name], and I am a contributor for the home and garden section of the [newspaper name]. I am also a member of [organization name] and Quill & Scroll, and have written articles for [magazine name]. Thank you so much for your time and consideration!

Concision is so important in a query letter. It’s important to be mindful of word count (I recommend shooting for 250-350 words) and you risk an agents’ eyes glazing over if you send them an excessively long query. This one comes in at 461 words, and that doesn’t even count whatever personalization the author will presumably add to the start of the query to show research and professionalism.

But in my mind there’s an even more important reason to be concise: it helps make the plot feel more vivid. A query that’s bogged down with a lack of focus will inevitably create a feeling that that’s what the novel is like too. This query feels like it meanders around, with needless redundancies or things that can be inferred, and it dampens any sense of urgency and romance in the plot description.

Also, try as much as possible to orient the query from one character’s perspective. In this case, I felt jarred when we abruptly switched over to Jacob’s perspective before switching back to Elizabeth. And always look for ways to weave in more of a protagonist’s voice into the query. I marked several places in my line edits that felt like missed opportunities to phrase things in a way that would reveal more about Elizabeth.

Here’s my redline:

Dear [Agent Name],

[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]

During the American Revolution, budding witch Elizabeth Morrow is forced to hide her powers [Be more tangible and vivid. What powers? How is she hiding?] from an her unaccepting village. Terrified of being discovered, she easily falls in line and avoids the other townspeople. Or at least, she obeys [obeys what?] until sShe clashes [Be more specific. Clashes how and why?] with her childhood friend Jacob Nash, a haughty surgeon from an affluent family. Having met as children, and their scorn and rancor towards one another mounts while they aid in the Rebel cause. [Be more specific about what this means]

In a cruel twist of fate, Elizabeth’s father dies [Be more specific. How?], and leaves leaving her family destitute. Despite her mother warning how dangerous it is to work with non-magical people, and Jacob’s family hires Elizabeth is hired as a servant for Jacob’s family. With the colonies now at war, Jacob resolves to offers his medical services to the cause [It’s helpful to stick to one perspective in a query rather than jumping over to Jacob. Can we just stick with Elizabeth?]. Because of Elizabeth’s sharply honest tongue, he decides she will be a truthful contact for familial affairs. H, and he requests that she write to him. And in spite of their initial discomfort with these letters, it isn’t long before Elizabeth’s written word sustains Jacob and brings him peace of mind. Elizabeth is equally enamored by his correspondence, and when he finally returns home, broken and jaded after six long years of war, they develop a secret romantic relationship [Missed opportunity to weave in more voice]. While they meet behind closed doors, Elizabeth discovers that touching Jacob can literally soothe his ailing mind. But with that power – the power to relieve his trauma from the warfront – comes an unwanted pregnancy that destroys their lives and Jacob casts Elizabeth aside in favor of his inheritance [Be more specific].

In Honey and Gunpowder, a sensual tale of first love and betrayal, Elizabeth is ultimately cast aside in favor of Jacob’s inheritance. Despite the painful snub, she soon realizes their baby is all she’s ever needed in life. But wWhen their daughter takes ill, Elizabeth returns to the Nash manor to beg for Jacob’s medical expertise. Another Nash family servant, jealous of Elizabeth’s potential to rise in station, lies and says he will not come. Elizabeth is forced to return home empty-handed and their baby dies. Blinded by rage, she curses Jacob into becoming a creature of the night. He dies and reanimates as a vampire, spiraling them both into a bloody dance that puts Elizabeth’s goodness at risk.

This novel of Honey and Gunpowder is a 85,000 words is paranormal historical fiction novel with a strong romantic undercurrent. It that will appeal to readers who enjoy of Susanna Kearsley (Bellewether) and Luanne G. Smith (The Vine Witch), as well as fans of pop cultural influences like Hamilton and Dan Curtis’ Dark Shadows. There is potential for this novel it to be a series.

My name is [my name], and I am a contributor for the home and garden section of the [newspaper name]. I am also a member of [organization name] and Quill & Scroll, and have written articles for [magazine name].

Thank you so much for your time and consideration!

Thanks again to lynellebarrett!

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Art: The witch no. 1 by Joseph E. Baker