Don’t let voice interfere with a query’s readability (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to MaryDuquette, whose query is below.

Dear (agent’s name),

Fifteen-year-old Georgia is a dead ringer for Twiggy, and is obsessed with pyramids, and with Ben, intern in the special ed class – even though her moronic fascination with him makes her a complete hippopotamus. She doesn’t speak, but she writes letters to her dead mother and is drawn to the drama of the hurricanes passing through her home with her Aunt Bridger and Uncle Joey in 1967 coastal Maine. Maybe it’s because she survived a tornado when she was just an infant. Maybe the roar of the storm, the hum, makes up for the lasting silence inhabiting her.

Georgia’s quiet, snarky, genius mind renders her an anomaly in the center of a provincial existence – a riddle her school guidance counselors try to solve. Bridger and Joey struggle to maintain a connection with her while battling their own personal loss of a child and failing marriage, when a well-hidden secret about Georgia’s mother is revealed unexpectedly – and Georgia is forced to forgive the truth about her past, realizing there is extraordinary in the mundane. The essence of the daily, the pull on your sneakers and run outside. The grip of your fingers on a rake. The sliver of a moon behind the shadow of your hand.

I am seeking representation for my completed 75,000-word novel, AND THAT DIVINE EYE. I am a graduate of the MFA program in Writing with a concentration in Fiction at the University of New Hampshire. I won the Dawkins Prize for best overall thesis at the University of New Hampshire for my short story collection. I am a member of the New Hampshire Writers’ Project.

My work has been published in Epiphany, The Good Life Review, and Ginosko Literary Magazine. I was included in a pulp fiction anthology entitled “Murder Ink 3: Even More Tales of Newsroom Crime.” I’ve recently completed two novels and a poetry collection.

AND THAT DIVINE EYE would probably be shelved with books by authors such as Liane Moriarty, Maria Semple, and Jennifer Egan.

Thank you for reading, and I look forward to hearing from you.

All the best,

This sounds like an interesting project with a strong voice, and I like that the author weaves some unorthodox turns of phrase into the query. It conveys a unique style, which is an important element of crafting a query letter.

That said, I worry that this query letter very quickly descends into vague abstractions that don’t really help us understand the overall story, and it includes several convoluted sentences that I found pretty difficult to unpack. The combined effect is that I came away not really understanding what this novel is actually about. Sure, we have an imaginative girl who doesn’t speak, but what does she actually have to do in this novel? What’s the story?

I particularly didn’t understand why Georgia needs to learn appreciate what’s extraordinary in the everyday when she’s already imagining hurricanes inside a home and has a crush on the special ed intern, or why she has to make up for “the lasting silence inhabiting her” when her inner life doesn’t seem at all quiet. What’s the real narrative here?

Even if your novel is lyrical and literary, it’s still important to give the agent a sense of the overall narrative. The best way to do that is to make the story details specific and tangible rather than staying at an abstract remove and being coy with crucial details. Don’t worry about spoilers, make the plot tangible, and make sure the protagonist’s “quest” is coming to life.

And yes, it’s okay to get a little flowery/abstract if that’s the tone your novel strikes, but be very careful in a query letter not to let voice interfere with overall readability. If an agent starts stumbling in the course of reading a plot description, they may assume they are going to stumble through the novel too. Err on the side of a clear summary, even if you include a dash (or more) of lyricism.

Here’s my redline:

Dear (agent’s name),

Fifteen-year-old Georgia, is a dead ringer for Twiggy, and is obsessed with pyramids [pyramids in general or the pyramids?], and with Ben, the intern in the her special ed class –, even though her moronic fascination with him makes her a complete hippopotamus [Good voice but convoluted opening sentence. Read the original out loud]. She doesn’t speak, but she writes letters to her dead mother and is drawn to the drama of the dramatic [“drawn to the drama of the” is phrased awkwardly] hurricanes passing through her the home she shares with her Aunt Bridger and Uncle Joey in 1967 coastal Maine. Maybe it’s because she survived a tornado when she was just an infant. Maybe the roar of the storms, the hum, makes up for the lasting silence inhabiting her. [This feels like a missed opportunity to articulate the narrative in a clearer way. What “lasting silence inhabiting her?” She doesn’t speak but it also doesn’t seem like her inner life is quiet? Be more specific and tangible]

Georgia’s quiet, snarky, genius mind renders her an anomaly in the center of a provincial existence – a riddle her school guidance counselors try to solve [This feels abstract and convoluted. Make the story more specific and tangible rather than so lofty and zoomed out. What is Georgia trying to do? What is the real story here?]. Bridger and Joey struggle to maintain a connection with her [Be more specific and tangible. What are they actually trying to do to establish/maintain a connection?] while battling their own personal loss of a child and failing marriage, when a well-hidden secret about Georgia’s mother is revealed unexpectedly [Too vague. What secret? How was it revealed? Don’t worry about spoiler sin a query] – and Georgia is forced to forgive the truth [Too vague. What truth?] about her past, realizing there is extraordinary in the mundane [Why does Georgia need to realize there are extraordinary things in the mundane? It doesn’t feel like she had been struggling with that given that she’s imagining hurricanes inside of houses and having crushes on special ed interns? Also read this original sentence out loud. Extremely convoluted] The essence of the daily, the pull on your sneakers and run outside. The grip of your fingers on a rake. The sliver of a moon behind the shadow of your hand. [We’ve descended into abstractions. What’s the actual, tangible story? What does Georgia actually have to do or discover? Be specific and tangible]

I am seeking representation for my completed 75,000-word [genre] novel, AND THAT DIVINE EYE. I am a graduate of the MFA program in Writing with a concentration in Fiction at the University of New Hampshire. I won the Dawkins Prize for best overall thesis at the University of New Hampshire for my short story collection. I am a member of the New Hampshire Writers’ Project.

My work has been published in Epiphany, The Good Life Review, and Ginosko Literary Magazine. I was included in a pulp fiction anthology entitled “Murder Ink 3: Even More Tales of Newsroom Crime.” I’ve recently completed two novels and a poetry collection.

AND THAT DIVINE EYE would probably be shelved with books by authors such as Liane Moriarty, Maria Semple, and Jennifer Egan.

Thank you for reading, and I look forward to hearing from you.

All the best,

Thanks again to MaryDuquette!

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Art: Breaking Sky, Monhegan by George Bellows