Avoid the passive voice at all costs (query critique)

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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to lac582, whose query is below.

Dear [Agent],

Reggie Kaplan is a Conjurer–one of a rare cohort who possess a telekinetic ability to manipulate atoms and molecules, and who are conscripted into public service converting waste into resources for communities across the nation. After violating Guild law by accidentally injuring another person, she was stripped of her power and indentured for the rest of her days. Years later she has settled into a quiet life as a wife, mother, and laboratory grunt when the Guild approaches Reggie with an offer. The Conjurer of Los Angeles has gone missing, and if she can serve dutifully in his interim she can have back her freedom.

While she’d be foolish to turn it down, the work is arduous and isolating. Reggie struggles to serve her constituents and still be there for her young children, while also enduring being shunned by her own staff and much of the larger Conjuring community. Her new position also puts her in the crosshairs of Carolina Reyes, the prodigy industrialist she maimed so many years ago and inventor of a new technology meant to compete directly with the Guild.

Soon Reggie uncovers evidence that the Mayor of Los Angeles may have been blackmailing her predecessor and driven him into hiding. Much as she wants to toe-the-line as not to jeopardize her agreement, she believes that exposing the corruption may hasten his return and her own redemption. However the more she digs, the closer she gets to a much larger plot that threatens irreparable damage to the discipline of Conjuring itself and the economy that depends on it. Unsure who she can trust–and get to trust her–Reggie must finally decide if the only one who can save a system is the one willing to break the rules. Even if it means endangering not just her livelihood, but her very life.

“The Conjurers” is a work of contemporary science fiction, complete at 90,000 words. It has a diverse cast of characters and is a standalone with series potential. [Bio goes here.]

Thank you for your consideration.

One of the earliest posts on this entire blog, way back in the dark ages of 2008, had to do with the passive voice in query letters. And, well, here we are in 2021 and the passive voice is still found in query letters. (See what I did there).

The passive voice (failing to attribute an action to an actor) is a query letter killer. With so few words to work with, good query letters require precision, crisp context, and specificity. By its very nature, the passive voice is an oblique and vague way to write a sentence. In fact, some of the best times to use it are when you want to soften a message, which is why I often consciously use it when delivering feedback. It just almost never belongs in a query letter.

In this case, crucial stretches of the query letter are either in the passive voice (e.g. who are conscripted into public service / she was stripped of her power) or are written in a vague way that doesn’t help us understand the key underlying events with sufficient context (e.g. the more she digs, the closer she gets to a much larger plot that threatens irreparable damage to the discipline of Conjuring itself).

What’s the plot? What’s the risk to the Conjuring? What did Reggie do to Carolina? What’s the difference between conscription and indentured servitude? What rules does Reggie have to break and what is she ultimately trying to accomplish as she moves toward the climax?

If the parts of the query that are currently vague are written in a more precise and specific way, including the sentences currently in the passive voice, the query wouldn’t necessarily need to be longer but the plot would come alive in a much sharper fashion.

Here’s my redline:

Dear [Agent],

Reggie Kaplan is a Conjurer—, one of a member of a rare cohort who possess a telekinetic ability to manipulate atoms and molecules, and who and are conscripted into public service converting waste into resources for communities across the nation. After Reggie violates violating Guild law by accidentally injuring another person Carolina Reyes, a prodigy industrialist [be more specific. What actually happened here?], she was Reggie is stripped of her power [passive voice and vague. Who stripped her of what power?] and indentured for the rest of her days [I don’t understand the distinction. Wasn’t she already indentured in waste management?]. Years later She has settled into a quiet life as a wife, mother, and laboratory grunt when the Guild approaches Reggie with an offer. The Conjurer of Los Angeles has gone missing, and if she can serve dutifully in his the interim she can have back her freedom.

While she’d be foolish to turn it down, the work is arduous and isolating. Reggie struggles to serve her constituents and still be there for her young children [Missed opportunity for voice and specificity. What does she want to be doing for her kids that she’s unable to do?], while also enduring and endures being shunned by her own staff [Be more specific. What staff is doing what to her?] and much of the larger Conjuring community [Be more specific. What is the larger Conjuring community actually doing to her?]. Her new position also puts her in the crosshairs of Carolina Reyes, the prodigy industrialist she maimed so many years ago [Pretty confusing she wasn’t introduced earlier in the first draft] and inventor of who has invented a new technology meant to compete directly with the Guild. [Be more specific. What’s the technology and what are the potential consequences for the Guild?]

Soon Reggie uncovers evidence that the Mayor of Los Angeles may have been blackmailing her predecessor and driven him into hiding. Much as She doesn’t wants to toe-the-line as not to jeopardize her agreement, but she believes that exposing the corruption may hasten his her predecessor’s return and thus her own redemption. However the more she digs, the closer she gets to a much larger plot that threatens irreparable damage to the discipline of Conjuring itself and the economy that depends on it [I’m not wrapping my head around the contours of the plot. What’s the plot? Who is doing what?]. Unsure who she can trust–and get to trust her–, Reggie must finally decide if the only one who can save a system is the one willing to break the rules [Struggling to wrap my head around what this means. What rules?]. Even if it means endangering not just her livelihood, but her very life. [What does Reggie actually have to do?]

“The Conjurers” is a work of contemporary science fiction, complete at 90,000 words. It has a diverse cast of characters and is a standalone with series potential. [Bio goes here.]

Thank you for your consideration.

Thanks again to lac582!

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Art: Postcard of Los Angeles by Anonymous