Know your perspective (page critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in our discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to dcburtonjr, whose page is below.

Title – Girl at Sea
Psychological Thriller
David Burton

Chapter One

Willing to risk the sting of her husband’s palm, Emily Perrit asked, “Jamie, are you sure you have to go?” as she stood with her husband at the door to the garage.
Jamie Perrit let out a deep sigh. “Emily, you ask that every time I have to go out of town.”
“Can’t somebody else go? You should be a vice-president and not have to go. You know I don’t like to be here alone.”
Jamie froze on the first step.
Emily tensed, arms tight across her chest, heart racing.
Jamie stepped back into the house. He grabbed her jaw with his free hand. “Emily,” he said, full of disdain. “This is the last time we’re having this conversation. I’m only thirty-nine. There’s no way I can be a vice-president until I’m forty. It’s one of Mr. Teng’s rules.” He gave her face a shake. “Don’t make me punish you. You know I don’t like to do that.” He gave her a final squeeze and turned to the door.
Emily’s body vibrated with the release. She breathed deep. Eyes on the floor, she nodded. It was an old argument which she never won. “When will you be back?”
“Late Friday.”
“You told me Thursday. I got tickets for the symphony Friday night. We never go anymore.”
“Don’t whine, Emily. I don’t like it. Get Rachel to go with you.”
“She doesn’t like classical music. You do.”
“Emily!”
“Okay, okay.”
He backed his BMW out of the garage. She thought he returned her wave then realized he only pushed the button to close the garage door.

While I like the final moment where she misunderstands a wave for him closing the garage door, I’m afraid overall that this page feels like it’s in pretty rough shape. It demonstrates quite a few common writing pratfalls rolled into one page:

• Head jumping. We start with Emily’s perspective, and, while it’s subtle and there are no egregious violations, it feels like we start bouncing between Emily’s perspective and Jamie’s perspective due to the way his action is described. It doesn’t always feel contextualized from her perspective, nor does it feel like we have an omniscient narrator guiding us, so I ended up feeling just a tad disoriented about where to anchor my mind within the scene. It’s also confusing how we bounce in and out of the house without clear bridging action.
• Empty gestures. There are some unique gestures (grabbing her jaw in particular, is a unique, if quite hostile gesture), but what little physical description we have feels padded with many empty and unnecessary gestures: Deep sigh, heart racing, breathed deep, eyes on the floor… Considering I recommend using generic gestures no more than two times for an entire novel, this is quite an expenditure for one brief page.
• Launching into dialogue with insufficient context. It’s dangerous to begin a novel with a conversation the reader has very little context to understand. There’s very little contextualizing here to help orient the reader around what’s happening and what’s at stake.
• Smushing exposition into dialogue. It doesn’t feel believable to me that Jamie would need to remind her about his age. Instead, it feels like it’s exposition crammed into dialogue, which invariably feels forced and unnatural.
• Being coy with key details. What is Emily trying to achieve in this scene? What’s at stake? How is she thinking things through? There are quite a few missed chances to provide more details that would start to open up the story.

As I often say, all does not have to be revealed on the first page. But I’m afraid there are quite a few missed opportunities here to better anchor the reader and invite them into the story in a more natural way.

Here’s my redline.

Title – Girl at Sea
Psychological Thriller
David Burton

Chapter One

Emily Perrit stood with her husband Jamie at the garage door. [Anchor the reader in the physical space first] She was Wwilling to risk the sting of her husband’s his palm., Emily Perrit asked, [Missed opportunity to open up her motivation. She’s willing to risk it for what? Why? What’s at stake?] “Jamie, aAre you sure you have to go?” as she stood with her husband at the door to the garage.
Jamie Perrit let out a deep sigh [Empty gesture]. “Emily, yYou ask that every time I have to go out of town.”
“Can’t somebody else go? You should be a vice-president and not have to go. [This feels forced, can’t she just be thinking a thought along these lines?] You know I don’t like to be here alone.”
Jamie froze on the first step. [On what first step? I’m not visualizing the physical space]
Emily tensed, arms tight across her chest, heart racing.
Jamie stepped back into the house. [Does she follow him inside? Otherwise, does he really need to step “back into the house” to grab her jaw? I’m struggling to visualize this] He grabbed her jaw with his free hand. “Emily,” he said, full of disdain. “This is the last time we’re having this conversation. I’m only thirty-nine. There’s no way I can‘t be a vice-president until I’m forty. It’s one of Mr. Teng’s rules.” He gave her face a shake. “Don’t make me punish you. You know I don’t like to do that.”
¶He gave her a final squeeze and turned to the door.
Emily’s body vibrated with the release. She breathed deep. Eyes on the floor, she nodded. [Empty gestures. Her acquiescence is conveyed with the next lines] It was an old argument which she never won. “When will you be back?”
“Late Friday.”
“You told me Thursday. I got tickets for the symphony Friday night. We never go anymore.”
“Don’t whine, Emily. I don’t like it. Get Rachel to go with you.”
“She doesn’t like classical music. You do.”
“Emily!”
“Okay, okay.”
He backed his BMW out of the garage [Abrupt that we didn’t see them leave the house or him getting into the car]. She thought he returned her wave, then realized he was only pusheding the button to close the garage door.

Thanks again to dcburtonjr!

Need help with your book? I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and coaching!

For my best advice, check out my online classes, my guide to writing a novel and my guide to publishing a book.

And if you like this post: subscribe to my newsletter!

Art: Fräulein Heck by Lovis Corinth