Weave themes into the plot description (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Brenda Haas, whose query is below. (If this project sounds familiar, it’s because I previously critiqued the first page).

Dear Agent,

After reading your #MSWL listing and noting your interest in unique settings, I am submitting sample pages of SUTTON’S CHOICE, a contemporary women’s fiction. Complete at approximately 80,000 words, the story explores the ties binding us to our roots.

When Charlotte Sutton’s estranged father, a retired baseball player and prize-winning author, is thought to have early onset Alzheimer’s disease, the 28-year-old writer returns to her hometown of Lakeside, Ohio, to face her past and the Lake Erie life from which she fled 10 years prior.

Since her hasty departure from the vintage, waterfront community of ivy-covered cottages with unlocked doors, Charlotte has snagged a city job and mostly—barely—stepped out from behind Chuck Sutton’s shadow. Still, she struggles to bury memories of her parents’ pre-divorce brawls, the chatter of small-town gossips, and the “Three strikes, you’re out!” with every bat, ball, and glove the charismatic patriarch of the family thrust into her hands when she was a child. Upon her homecoming for the first time since her high school graduation—one of many life events Chuck did not attend—Charlotte is greeted by a teenage half-sibling she didn’t know she had and a father who has lost all but a glimmer of his former swagger. The family newspaper is failing as quickly as its editor’s health. Charlotte must decide to embrace the Sutton legacy or leave for good, as she comes to understand Chuck’s life choices and her own misconceptions about what it means to plant family roots in small-town Ohio.

I am a past reporter and columnist for Penn Franklin News Publishing Company (a Pittsburgh press). My writing has also appeared in Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, and The Beacon newspapers, in addition to Leisure Living Magazine and My Outer Banks Home magazine. Now living in Lakeside (a real Chautauqua community attracting hundreds of thousands of annual vacationers), I run a writing program at the library, am a member of a critique group, and maintain a writing advocacy website with blog at www.powerofpages.com.

Thank you very much for considering my manuscript, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Brenda Haas

Some of the earliest posts on this blog, way back in 2007, were devoted to the perils of including themes in query letters.

Think of it from an agent’s perspective. They’re trying to discern whether they’d like to read a book based on a short description. They’re trying to get a sense of the story. They’re trying to envision where it sits in the marketplace.

How much do you really learn about a book by reading a list of themes, like “coming of age,” “learning to live in a fractured society,” “dealing with love and loss,” or in this case, “the ties binding us to our roots?”

Not much.

Avoid themes. Don’t tell an agent what a novel means, tell them what happens. Anything you feel is crucial that an agent should know about a novel should be self-evident from the plot description.

Apart from leaning into the plot description a bit too heavily in the opening, I’m afraid this query suffers from some common query maladies: Convoluted sentences that make it difficult to get into a flow, insufficient voice, and an overstuffed final line of the plot that obscures the “spine” of the plot.

Particularly with women’s fiction, the protagonist’s quest needs to feel engaging, and I’m afraid not enough of Charlotte’s personality is coming through apart from resenting her larger than life father. If what’s motivating her, the choices she’s facing, and the way she would phrase these challenges came through in the query letter I think we’d have a clearer sense of the spirit of the novel.

Here’s my redline:

Dear Agent,

After reading your #MSWL listing and noting your interest in unique settings, I am submitting sample pages of SUTTON’S CHOICE, a my contemporary women’s fiction. C novel, complete at approximately 80,000 words, the story explores the ties binding us to our roots [Avoid themes in query letters. Anything you want an agent to take away should just be woven into the plot description]

When 28-year-old writer Charlotte Sutton’s estranged father Chuck, a retired baseball player and prize-winning author, is thought to have diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s disease, the 28-year-old writer she must returns to her hometown of Lakeside, Ohio, to face her past and the Lake Erie life from which she fled 10 years prior. [Very convoluted sentence, read this out loud. “Face her past” feels flat/vague and seems like a missed opportunity to weave in more voice and specificity. What exactly is she facing?]

Since her hasty departure ten years ago from the vintage, [“vintage” is conveyed sufficiently with the description] waterfront community of ivy-covered cottages with unlocked doors, Charlotte has snagged a city job and mostly—barely—stepped out from behind Chuck Sutton’s shadow. Still, she struggles to bury memories of her parents’ pre-divorce brawls, the chatter of small-town gossips [More specificity here?], and the “Three strikes, you’re out!” with every bat, ball, and glove the her charismatic father patriarch of the family thrust into her hands when she was a child. Upon her homecoming for the first time since her high school graduation—one of many life events Chuck did not attend—,Charlotte is greeted by a teenage half-sibling she didn’t know she had and a father who has lost all but a glimmer of his former swagger. The family newspaper is failing as quickly as its editor’s health. Charlotte must decide to embrace the Sutton legacy [How does this actually manifest itself in the plot?] or leave for good, as she comes to understand Chuck’s life choices and her own misconceptions about what it means to plant family roots in small-town Ohio. [Convoluted and vague. What life choices do you mean? What misconceptions? Try to be more specific about the plot arc]

I am a past reporter and columnist for Penn Franklin News Publishing Company (a Pittsburgh press). My writing has also appeared in Pittsburgh Tribune-Review, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, and The Beacon newspapers, in addition to Leisure Living Magazine and My Outer Banks Home magazine. Now living in Lakeside (a real Chautauqua community attracting hundreds of thousands of annual vacationers), I run a writing program at the library, am a member of a critique group, and maintain a writing advocacy website with blog at www.powerofpages.com.

Thank you very much for considering my manuscript, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Brenda Haas

Thanks again to Brenda!

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Art: Baseball by Henry Sandham