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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to jessica.mcbrayer, whose page is below.
Mathilda
One of my Manolo Blahniks was the first thing through my private portal into my office. I was a secret shoe slut. Well, maybe it wasn’t so much of a secret. We all have our vices.
I always got a rush when I came to work. This place had a lot of residual magik. The house I had renovated, the Witch House, was first built by a Puritan in the 1600’s and is directly related to the Salem Witch Trials, nestled in Salem, Massachusetts. It had been owned by several witches throughout the generations. A way for all the magik folk to infuse the place with positive energy, hopefully eradicating all the bad juju. It had worked.
I had to do some considerable magik and pay a hefty price to get the property after it had been made into a museum. It was mine, though. It was a big f-you to the man that was part of the torture and murder of my fellow sisters in magik. The sad thing is that most of the real witches escaped. The zealots had twisted the townspeople into hysteria and had murdered innocent women in its wake in a sick bid to increase their properties all in the name of intolerance.
Now it was home to my supernatural matchmaker’s agency. The second floor was occupied by my clerical staff and IT, a safe place for my gnome employees to work without prejudice. Gnomes are excellent with technology.
There’s a lot I like about this premise and setting, particularly the juxtaposition between the office setting, magik and IT gnomes, and the interweaving of the Salem Witch Trials. It feels like an engaging introduction to this world, and there’s some good voice coming through.
That said, I’m afraid I find the writing a bit clunky and convoluted and there’s some opportunity to smooth it out so it reads more cleanly.
My main concern is that I find too much in the opening non-specific, which almost always results in a missed opportunity to show more individuality and to begin to open up the world of the novel.
Take the opening paragraph, which feels quite flat to me. Particularly these lines: “I was a secret shoe slut. Well, maybe it wasn’t so much of a secret.” A secret from whom? Only… it’s not a secret? So what is it?
There’s some voice in those lines, but what do we actually learn about the character? What if, for instance, the line were something more like “I kept my shoe addiction a secret from my boyfriend Brad.” That’s more tangible, specific, and it’s opening up the world of the character. But two contradictory lines followed a universal truism that verges on a cliche (“We all have our vices”) just doesn’t really add up to a particularly unique first impression.
Specificity goes such a long way toward fleshing out a character and the setting because precision hones in on what makes them unique. Hone in on those specific details and we’ll feel like we’re meeting someone new.
Here’s my redline:
Mathilda
One of my Manolo Blahniks was the first thing through my private portal into my office. [I find this opening vague, passive, and disorienting. What does it mean for a shoe to be “the first thing through my private portal?” Is she stepping through the private portal into her office? If so, why not just say that? Help us visualize it and add intent] I was a secret shoe slut. [Secret from whom?] Well, maybe it wasn’t so much of a secret. [So…it’s not a secret? Why not just tell us what it actually is?] We all have our vices. [A bit of a cliched line, also doesn’t really tell us much]
I always got a rush when I came to work.
This place [vague]had a lot of residual magik. The house I had renovated, the Witch House, which was first built by a Puritan in the 1600’s and is directly related[vague]to the Salem Witch Trials, nestled in Salem, Massachusetts. It had been owned by several witches throughout the generations. [This stretch feels needlessly convoluted. I’d suggest instead…] I had renovated the Witch House in Salem, Massachusetts, which was first built by a Puritan in the 1600’s and had been owned by several witches over the generations. A way for all the magik folk to infuse the place with positive energy, hopefully eradicating all the bad juju [This sentence feels like a non-sequitur? Is there a word or sentence missing?]. It had worked.I had to do some considerable magik and pay a hefty price to get the property
aftersince it had been made into a museum. It was mine now, though. It was a big f-you to the man that was part of the torture and murder of my fellow sisters in magik [Why is this so vague? Why not be specific about who is referenced here?]. The sad thing is that most of the real witches escaped the trials [escaped what?]. The zealots had twisted the townspeople into hysteria and had murdered innocent women in its wake in a sick bid toincreasesteal their properties [Increase their properties? Imprecise] all in the name of intolerance. [I don’t think it was “in the name” of intolerance because that wasn’t the stated reason? This turn of phrase feels off?]Now it was home to my supernatural matchmaker’s agency. The second floor was occupied by my clerical staff and IT, a safe place for my gnome employees to work without experiencing prejudice [Experiencing prejudice from whom?]. Gnomes are excellent with technology.
Thanks again to jessica.mcbrayer!
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Art: Captain Alden Denounced – Anonymous
Ken Hughes says
One thing that comes to my mind about “One of my Manolo Blahniks was the first thing through” is that it’s looking *at* the protagonist instead of being her — that’s the perspective this would need to be if we noticed the shoes first. This feels more like the protagonist watching a different character arriving.
It’s also how many stories introduce their protagonist, as a separate spectacle before we settle into her skin. BUT that’s so much harder to pull off in first person, especially with a viewpoint this strong. For this story, she should simply be walking in “in her” shoes, or maybe pointing them out because of their sound on the floor
RachelT says
Ken’s comment is interesting because I read the opening line as if I were in the protag’s head and then stumbled a bit and had to re-read to figure out what was going on. I didn’t quite realize why I’d read it wrong though until I saw what he said. To me, “One of my Manolo Blahniks was the first thing through my private portal into my office,” meant that she threw the shoe into the office using the portal.
Still, fun idea for a story.
Chris Bailey says
I’m charmed by the idea of a magical matchmaking agency in old Salem. What could possibly go wrong? Take Nathan’s wise comments and bring this tale to life. I’d read it.