If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Andrew Stiller, whose query is below.
Dear Agent:
If you are familiar with THE STATIONERY SHOP, by Marjan Kamali, you may be interested in representing THE PROMISE which shares similar thematic elements.
In the late summer of 1961, a young German couple, Willie and Mina, are forced to live on opposite sides of the Berlin Wall. Willie finds himself trapped in East Berlin. With no resources at his disposal, he must find a way to remain undetected in order to escape and reunite with Mina who has been living with friends in the West. After months of careful planning and preparation, he makes his way through the sewer system to freedom, but not before being seriously wounded in a shootout with a pair of guards. Upon his recovery he asks for Mina and learns that, in his long absence, her fashion career has successfully launched and she is no longer living in Germany.
Willie promises to find Mina and begins his search with little information to guide him. His travels take him to the colorful fashion district of Paris where a chance encounter with an older gentleman, Pierre, holds the key to reuniting the young couple. But before Pierre can help, he must first come to terms with the demons from his own past that have estranged him from the people he loves.
THE PROMISE is upmarket fiction at 70,000 words. The story is inspired by my travels through Eastern Europe during the height of the Cold War and is a tribute to three generations of women in my family who are accomplished dressmakers.
I would be thrilled if you would consider THE PROMISE for representation. Thank you very much, and I hope to speak with you soon.
Andrew Stiller
This sounds like an interesting premise, and I’ve always been a sucker for a good Iron Curtain narrative. But rather than making Pierre’s circumstances and travails specific and tangible, the description in this query ends up feeling a bit stilted and flat.
Is “no resources at his disposal” a very palpable way of describing someone experiencing deprivation? Is “not before being seriously wounded in a shootout” a vivid description of being shot just as he’s about to reach freedom? Is “the colorful fashion district of Paris,” well, colorfully described?
As you try to weave voice into a query, these details matter. Make them vivid, tangible, and precise. You don’t have many words to work with and if you swap these flat turns of phrase out for more vivid imagery the plot description will come alive.
Also, as with so many queries, this one also succumbs to a vague and abstract end of the plot description. Once again for the rafters: don’t worry about spoilers and be specific and tangible about what the character actually has to do.
How does these demons manifest themselves in the story? What, specifically, does Pierre have to overcome in order to accomplish?
Here’s my redline:
Dear Agent:
[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]
If you
are familiar withenjoyed THE STATIONERY SHOP,by Marjan Kamali,you may be interested in representing my upmarket fiction novel THE PROMISEwhich shares similar thematic elements. [Kind of odd phrasing that if the agent is “familiar” with another novel they may be interested in yours. Just because they’ve heard of the other novel?]In the late summer of 1961, a young German couple, Willie and Mina, are forced to live on opposite sides of the Berlin Wall. Willie finds himself trapped in East Berlin. With no resources at his disposal [Stilted and not-very-vivid phrasing. Can you make this palpable than “no resources?”], he must find a way to remain undetected [from whom? Give a sense of the tangible danger and stakes] in order to escape and reunite with Mina, who has been living with friends in the West. After months of careful planning and preparation, he makes his way through the sewer system to freedom, but
not before being[“not before being” is confusing phrasing. At what stage is he shot?] just as (add whatever happens in the novel) a pair of East German guards fire at him and he’s seriously woundedin a shootout with a pair of guards.UponDuring his recovery [Be more specific] he asks for Mina and learns that, in his long absence, her fashion career has successfully launched and she is no longer living in Germany.Willie
promisesvow to find Mina [Promises whom?] and begins his search with little information to guide him. Heistravelstake himto the colorful fashion district of Paris, where a chance encounter with an older gentleman, Pierre, holds the key to reuniting the young couple [Be more specific about what actually happens here. Don’t worry about spoilers]. But before Pierre can help, he must first come to terms with the demons from his own past that have estranged him from the people he loves. [Vague. What specifically does he have to do? How do the “demons” actually manifest themselves in the story?]THE PROMISE is
upmarket fictioncomplete at 70,000 words. The story is inspired by my travels through Eastern Europe during the height of the Cold War and is a tribute to three generations of women in my family who are accomplished dressmakers.I would be thrilled if you would consider THE PROMISE for representation. Thank you very much, and I hope to speak with you soon.
Andrew Stiller
Thanks again to Andrew Stiller!
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Art: Berlin Klosterstrasse by Eduard Gaertner
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I think this story would make for a riveting read. Something a bit different with palpitating movements. I do enjoy a near-death escape plot. While I use to prefer a fantasy premise, these days a story lived and experienced by the author is often more amazing. However, when I think about it, the advantage of fantasy, for me, is escaping from the dire and depressing into a reality that’s more charming and wonderful.
It’s funny how the natural inclination is to imitate the style of book blurbs written ages ago that sounded literally and vague. They carefully avoided spoilers, of course, and glossed over actual incidents in order to condense the information. If not for this blog, I’d have made all those mistakes. I can see how specificity would bring the story alive so much more for someone trying to evaluate it’s potential and understand character and meaning.
For “without resources,” the usual phrasing is a variation of “alone and penniless.”