Demonstrate emotions to show a character’s personality (page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Rainbow Girl, whose page is below.

When the Watcher popped by for its food delivery routine, I was scared. Genuinely frightened. But like always, the Watcher’s painted smile gleamed with an impossible air of friendliness, and the silver, floating machination began rummaging through its bag with its metal claws to give us whatever dehydrated Meals we had earned. My mother’s expression mirrored mine, and Dusty anxiously buried his head into my arm.

Had we honestly earned enough food through all our combined Earnings? Could we feed the whole House? Me and the other adults in the family had been working overtime in the Glory Corps with our Community Service work, the Schoolboys and Schoolgirls were attending school every day, earning exceptional grades, and we had just managed to dodge flu season. But knowing our combined wages, on top of the taxes, bills, and medical compensation for Aunt Clarissa, we would be lucky to get one Meal.

Finally, the Watcher pulled out three Meal Packages, and handed them to my mother, who hugged them to her body. “That will be all, Jefferson family. Maybe if you deposit more of your money into the Megabanks, you would be able to feed your household and then some.” It said with a chuckle-or as close as a robot can come to a chuckle-before it hovered through our doorway, over the sand-colored ground, and to the Mendelsohn House.

Mother Joy felt on her knees and wept with happiness, holding the Packages in her hands, treasuring them, before standing back up and setting them down gently on our table. Father Dave hugged her as a smile bloomed on the lips of Grandmother Erica, which was a rare treat. Grandfather Arnold leaned back in his old chair, pulled out his paper, and began to read with a sigh. Sister Luna whispered something in my Cousin Alice’s ear, and she gasped, before singing with joy. Nephew Dusty hugged me harder than he had before, while Uncle Milo sat in his corner and began to draw.

I like that this page shows an active scene that begins to open up the world of the novel, and I’m intrigued by some of the details, like this mechanical floating Watcher.

That said, I’m afraid elements of the opening felt like it missed opportunities to provide more specificity that could have helped us understand more about the world of the novel, and particularly what’s at stake in all of this. We get a bit of a gesture explosion when they get three meals and everyone is sighing and gasping and smiling, but I didn’t come away understanding the practical difference between three meals, one meal, or zero meals so it all ended up feeling a bit hollow to me.

But I want to focus on the opening sentences, which I feel like is a significant missed opportunity to create a keener first impression for the narrator. “…I was scared. Genuinely frightened.” fell flat for me because it simply relays a universal emotion in a way that doesn’t do much to show us anything unique about the narrator.

There are two main ways to show emotion in a way that spices up characters. The first is to carry the emotion with the voice, ideally infused with the character’s personality. So instead of just saying “Nathan was scared,” you could say something like “Nathan was as scared as a warthog visiting a dermatologist.” That approach is livelier and you learn much more about the individual and the world of the novel.

The second main approach is to demonstrate the emotion with gesture. Rather than just saying “Nathan is scared,” you can show the specific way that Nathan asks when he’s scared, ideally without resorting to generic gestures and that in a way that opens up the world of the novel. If you say something like “Nathan raced to grab the bear spray…” there’s a lot of information packed in there because you’ve established that in this setting someone was worried enough about bears to be prepared.

As you’re crafting first impressions, help us understand what makes the character unique. Heres’ my redline.

When the Watcher popped by for its food delivery routine, I was scared. Genuinely frightened. [Missed opportunity to show more personality. What is the protagonist like when they are scared?] But like always, the Watcher’s painted smile gleamed with an impossible air of friendliness, and the silver, floating machination machine began rummaging rummaged through its bag with its metal claws to give us whatever dehydrated Meals we had earned. My mother’s expression mirrored mine [Another missed opportunity. What’s the expression?], and Dusty [Who is Dusty? Contextualize] anxiously buried his head into my arm.

Had we honestly earned enough food through all our combined Earnings? Could we feed the whole House [What’s this? Contextualize]? Me and the other adults in the family had been working overtime in the Glory Corps with our Community Service work [Be more specific? Community Service work seems like it could be almost anything?], the Schoolboys and Schoolgirls were attending school every day, earning exceptional grades, and we had just managed to dodge flu season. But knowing with our combined wages, on top of the taxes, bills, and medical compensation [medical “compensation?” She’s paid for something medical?] for Aunt Clarissa, we would be lucky to get one Meal.

Finally, tThe Watcher pulled out three Meal Packages, and handed them to my mother, who hugged them to her body. “That will be all, Jefferson family. Maybe if you deposit more of your money into the Megabanks, you would be able to feed your household and then some.” It said with a chuckle-or emitted a noise as close as a robot can come to a chuckle-before it, hovered through out our doorway, and over the sand-colored ground, and to the Mendelsohn House. [Convoluted and mis-used dialogue tag]

Mother Joy felt fell on her knees and wept with happiness [This feels a bit abrupt and melodramatic], holding the Packages in her hands, treasuring them, before standing packages. She stood back up and setting them down gently on our table. Father Dave hugged her. as a smile bloomed on the lips of Grandmother Erica smiled, which was a rare treat. Grandfather Arnold leaned back in his old chair, pulled out his paper, and began to read with a sigh [Something more unique than just a sigh?]. Sister Luna whispered something in my Cousin Alice’s ear, and she gasped, before singing sang with joy [I’m not sure what’s gained with a whisper the reader isn’t let into?]. Nephew Dusty hugged me harder than he had before, while Uncle Milo sat in his corner and began to draw.

Thanks again to Rainbow Girl!

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Art: Detail from Oliver Twist by Harold Copping