Build a smooth progression in a query letter (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Muse Clio, whose query is below.

Dear [Agent],

The day the Flemings adopted Nicholas was the happiest day of his young life. Until he met Lorelei. With flaming red hair and a gap between her teeth, Lorelei was the most fearless girl Nicholas had ever met.

After bonding over mutual sun allergies, Nicholas and Lorelei become inseparable. But Nicholas has a secret that no one knows yet: he’s part vampire. At least, he thinks he is. His adoptive parents think it’s a quaint fantasy, a game he plays with his sister. They don’t realize how seriously he takes it.

Trapped at camp by a sudden snowstorm after Lorelei suffers a skiing accident, too far in the icy mountains for the ambulance to reach them timely, Nicholas panics and does what he thinks a vampire should do: he bites her.

Angry and afraid for her friend’s sanity when Nicholas admits what he did to save her, Lorelei tells him to go away. She had no idea he’d flee to his uncle’s house in Egypt.

When the Arab Spring erupts in Cairo, it takes his uncle’s savvy (and some friends in high places) to get home safely.

Complete at 60,000 words, Children of the Night is YA fiction.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

There are some solid details in this query letter (I like Lorelei’s flaming red hair and gap between her teeth) and I like the idea of a YA novel about a globe trotting maybe-vampire.

My main concern with this query is that because of some very convoluted phrasing and a confusing progression through the plot, I got lost along the way and struggled to piece everything together.

First, make sure we’re either anchored very clearly to one character or you’re zooming out with a more of a unified perspective that guides us through the plot. I felt a little bounced around through this query between the different characters.

Perhaps most importantly, the last line of the query makes it sound like Nicholas’s uncle is the actual hero of the story, which doesn’t sound appropriate for a YA novel and I’m confused what it has to do with the rest of the plot to that point. What about Nicholas and Lorelei? What do they have to do? They feel a little lost in the end of the query.

Even in a novel with multiple perspectives, it’s usually better to choose one and stick with them. I’d reframe this query from Nicholas’s POV and make sure the reader understands the protagonists have to ultimately accomplish and what’s at stake.

Here’s my redline:

Dear [Agent],

[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]

X year old Nicholas thought the day the Flemings adopted Nicholas him was the happiest day of his young life. [This feels like a missed opportunity to show this from Nicholas’s perspective and infuse it with his voice]. Until he met Lorelei, the most fearless girl Nicholas had ever met, with flaming red hair and a gap between her teeth. With flaming red hair and a gap between her teeth, Lorelei was the most fearless girl Nicholas had ever met.

After bonding Nicholas and Lorelei bond over their mutual sun allergies, Nicholas and Lorelei become inseparable and are soon doing X, Y, and Z [Show this with more specificity and voice. What do they do together? Open up the world of the novel. Also, replaced “[Verbing], characters [verbed]” with “Characters [verbed] and [verbed],” which is more active]. But Nicholas has a secret that no one knows yet: he’s part vampire. At least, he thinks he is. His adoptive parents think it’s a quaint fantasy, a game he plays with his sister. They don’t realize how seriously he takes it.

Trapped at camp by a sudden snowstorm after When Lorelei suffers a skiing accident in a sudden snowstorm, too far into the icy mountains for the ambulance to reach them in time timely, Nicholas panics and does what he thinks a vampire should do: he bites her. [This sentence is overstuffed and convoluted. Read it out loud.]

Lorelei is Aangry and afraid for her friend’s sanity when Nicholas admits what he did to save her, Lorelei and she tells him to go away. [Another convoluted sentence] She had no idea he’d Nicholas flees to his uncle’s house in Egypt [Why have we switched over to Lorelei’s perspective here?], but the Arab Spring erupts in Cairo.

Nicholas and Lorelei have to [WHAT OBSTACLES THEY HAVE TO OVERCOME] in order to [THEIR ULTIMATE GOAL].

When the Arab Spring erupts in Cairo, it takes his uncle’s savvy (and some friends in high places) to get home safely.

Complete at 60,000 words, Children of the Night is YA fiction. [Insert brief author bio]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks again to Muse Clio!

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Art: Abendstimmung vor den Pyramiden by G. Macco