Avoid convoluted phrasing in query letters (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to CVCort, whose query is below.

Query: When Happily Ever After Fails

Dear Agent:

Abigail Gardner was the kind of person who could feel alone in a crowded room. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it – because said tree’s parents were dead and twentysomething friends can only provide so much support – does it still make a sound?

Tired of feeling sorry for herself and trying her hand once more at teaching, a skill that came easy for her father, Abigail sets out to rewrite the rules on endings. Tragic endings, to be exact. Motivated by an assigned reading list full of death and destruction and strong-armed by her prep school’s headmistress into helping the drama club, Abigail begins to realize that tragedies don’t have to stay that way.

But can revising a few sad endings really prevent her fifth and sixth graders from experiencing such negative themes so early on? More importantly, can her exercise in revisionist history help her write her own happy ending, or was her fate doomed from the start?

When Happily Ever After Fails is a 94,000-word women’s fiction novel with series potential. It is available, in part or in full, upon request.

I am a full-time freelance writer who contributes to print magazines, online publications and broadcast segments. I hold Bachelor of Arts degrees in English and sociology from UC Irvine, and a Master of Arts in journalism from USC. I also spent a semester studying British literature at Cambridge University (Pembroke). Like Abigail, I know what it’s like to go through life as an only child with two deceased parents, a theme I have previously explored in Chicken Soup for the Soul.

I thank you for your time and consideration.

I like that this query letter is striving to convey a unique voice, and there are some good ideas behind some of the turns of phrase. But I’m afraid I tripped over some of the sentences, struggled to get into a flow, and ultimately didn’t really understand the plot.

Put yourself in the shoes of someone reading a slush pile. It’s either an agent who is trying to quickly spot diamonds in the rough, or a harried assistant who has a million other things to do. As much as you might wish that said person is lovingly and patiently unpacking all of your clever turns of phrase, the reality is that they just want to quickly get a sense of your plot and writing ability.

In this case, I stumbled over the fallen tree metaphor in the first paragraph and I didn’t understand this crucial stretch of the query letter, where what Abigail actually is trying to do to rewrite her tragic ending feels a bit buried:

Motivated by an assigned reading list full of death and destruction and strong-armed by her prep school’s headmistress into helping the drama club, Abigail begins to realize that tragedies don’t have to stay that way.

Err on the side of clarity. If you’re going to be clever, be succinctly and clearly clever. Make your query easy to digest. Make sure it’s clear what your protagonist is trying to accomplish in as specific detail as possible.

Here’s my redline:

Query: When Happily Ever After Fails

Dear Agent:

[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show that you researched them individually]

Abigail Gardner was is [keep the tense consistent] the kind of twenty-something who could feels alone in a crowded room. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it – because said tree’s Her parents were are dead and twenty-something her friends can only provide so much support. – does it still make a sound? [There’s a germ of an idea here, but I stumbled over this sentence and I’m not sure the metaphor quite works. What if you just stuck to the story?]

Abigail’s Ttired of feeling sorry for herself and sets out to rewrite the rules on tragic endings. trying She tries her hand once more at teaching middle-schoolers, a skill that came easy for her father,. Abigail sets out to rewrite the rules on endings. Tragic endings, to be exact [just say tragic endings the first time]. Motivated by an assigned reading list full of death and destruction and strong-armed by her prep school’s headmistress into helping the drama club, Abigail begins to realize that tragedies don’t have to stay that way. [I stumbled over this sentence. Motivated by the reading to do what? She helps the drama club do what? What in the story is making her realize that tragedies don’t have to stay that way?]

But can revising a few sad endings [I don’t understand what this means in the story] really prevent her fifth and sixth graders from experiencing such negative themes [What negative themes? What’s actually happening in the story? What does Abigail have to do?] so early on? More importantly, can her exercise in revisionist history [I don’t understand what this means. What exercise in revisionist history?] help her write her own happy ending [Which is what? What does Abigail want? What does a “happy ending” look like to Abigail?], or was her fate doomed from the start?

When Happily Ever After Fails is a 94,000-word women’s fiction novel with series potential. It is available, in part or in full, upon request. [Goes without saying]

I am a full-time freelance writer who contributes to print magazines, online publications and broadcast segments. I hold Bachelor of Arts degrees in English and sociology from UC Irvine, and a Master of Arts in journalism from USC. I also spent a semester studying British literature at Cambridge University (Pembroke). Like Abigail, I know what it’s like to go through life as an only child with two deceased parents, a theme I have previously explored in Chicken Soup for the Soul. [Explored in what capacity? You contributed a story to the original book?]

I thank you for your time and consideration.

Thanks again to CVCort!

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Art: Fallen Tree by Franklin de Haven