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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to the.jbrian, whose page is below.
Title: Unlikely Villain – A Cautionary Tale
Genre: Semi-Autobiographical novelThere are some experiences that, if you walk away with an unchanged perspective on life, maybe you shouldn’t have bothered walking away. They’re those once-in-a-lifetime moments that tower above a lifetime of ordinary moments, dwarfing even the regular monumental landmark occasions where life forks. For this unlikely villain, one stands out above all others, ominous at any distance. It is a tombstone stacked on a mile-high pile of resentments; the whole world can see it casting an impossibly long shadow out of the graveyard and into the land of the living. It belongs to the guy who used to be me. It marks where he died.
I wasn’t expecting much of a Christmas the year that my first life ended. As years go, it had been one for the record books. Not in a good way, mind you – but worthy of note all the same. It seemed as though every page of the calendar had taken a turn at trying to break me.
Back in January the realization that I had made a horrible career move dawned upon me. What had at first appeared to be a gift-wrapped dream job was actually more of a waking nightmare – but a nightmare that I had to suffer through a commute that I wouldn’t wish on almost anyone, in order to get to. The job, and its associated commute, was costing me my physical and mental health.
Then in February, I had to make the decision to stop my father’s cancer treatment and concentrate on his quality of life. We lost Pop the next month. Well, we didn’t actually lose him, he died. And a few months after that, my wife and I suffered our 5th miscarriage. That was just before her birthday. Frankly, we could have done without that.
If you’ve ever struggled with infertility, then you will understand that where ordinary folks would have taken a break, we did not. We had the drugs we needed, carryover from previous attempts. We the support network in place, all the folks at the clinic were familiar with us and what we had been through. I had gotten to superpower level skill at giving my wife injections. I knew where all the good parking spots were at this clinic, like I had so many clinics before. We had a last frozen embryo. We went for broke. You should be aware at the outset that I’m agonizing over this book, and not because of our fertility story’s happy ending.
Some of the best novel openers in history are quite expansive.
“It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…”
“It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”
“Ships at a distance have every man’s wish on board.”
But even if you choose to go this route and embark on dropping some wisdom, it still pays to be tangible. Make sure that whatever you’re dispensing goes down easy so we can begin engaging with the story.
In this case, while there are some very real and weighty topics right off the bat and the voice is engaging on the whole, I struggled to wrap my head around the opening two paragraphs and begin engaging with the novel. The wisdom felt a little forced, and we learn very few details about what is actually happening in this man’s life.
Avoid sweeping vagueness where we don’t learn very much (i.e. “costing me my physical and mental health” could mean almost anything) and instead hone in on what’s unique and specific tangible about your story.
Set the tone by being tangible, not with a dramatic wave of the hand or a mere attempt to set an expansive tone.
Here’s my redline:
Title: Unlikely Villain – A Cautionary Tale
Genre: Semi-Autobiographical novelThere are some experiences that, if you walk away with an unchanged perspective on life, maybe you shouldn’t have bothered walking away. [I struggled to wrap my head around this. If you walk away from certain experiences unchanged maybe you shouldn’t have walked away? So you should stay in an experience until you’re changed? Why? Is that really true? What are we talking about here?] They’re those once-in-a-lifetime moments that tower above a lifetime of ordinary moments, dwarfing even the regular monumental landmark occasions where life forks. [I’m confused, I thought we were talking about experiences that didn’t change your perspective? ] For this unlikely villain [For which unlikely villain?], one [one what?] stands out above all others, ominous at any distance. It is a tombstone stacked on a mile-high pile of resentments; the whole world can see it casting an impossibly long shadow out of the graveyard and into the land of the living [The whole world can see one person’s tombstone stacked on a mile-high pile of resentments?]. It belongs to the guy who used to be me. It marks where he died. [I’m confused how literally to take this]
I wasn’t expecting much of a Christmas the year that my first life ended. As years go, it had been one for the record books. Not in a good way, mind you – but worthy of note all the same. It seemed as though every page of the calendar had taken a turn at trying to break me. [Look at this paragraph and think about what the reader has learned: very, very little. What was he expecting? What about the year was for the record books and why is was it worthy of note? What is trying to break him? It’s all talking around the story without giving us anything we can wrap our head around. Open up the story]
Back in January,
the realization thatI realized had made a horrible career move [Missed opportunity: what career move? Why was it bad?]dawned upon me. What had at first appeared to be a gift-wrapped dream job was actually more of a waking nightmare – but a nightmare that I had to suffer through a commute that I wouldn’t wish on almost anyone, in order to get to[Nothing tangible here except for a long commute. What job? Why is it horrible?]. The job,andits associated commute, waswere costing me my physical and mental health. [Don’t diagnosis with sweeping and vague statements like “costing me my physical and mental health.” That can mean almost anything. How did they specifically manifest for this individual?]Then in February, I had to make the decision to stop my father’s cancer treatment and concentrate on his quality of life. We lost Pop the next month. Well, we didn’t actually lose him, he died. And a few months after that, my wife and I suffered our
5thfifth miscarriage. That wasjust before her birthday. Frankly, we could have done without that.If you’ve ever struggled with infertility, then you will understand that where ordinary folks would have taken a break, we did not. We had the drugs we needed
, carryovercarried over from previous attempts. We had the support network in place,. All the folks at the clinic were familiar with us and what we had been through. I had gotten to superpower level skill at giving my wife injections. I knew where all the good parking spots were at this clinic, like I had so many clinics before. We had a last frozen embryo. We went for broke. You should be aware at the outset that I’m agonizing over this book, and not because of our fertility story’s happy ending. [There are good details in this paragraph but it feels jumbled and out of order. We’re imagining the folks at the clinic (so we’re inside) to injections (presumably back home) but then we’re back out at the parking lot (so we’re back outside the clinic and jumped back in time). Then we’re at an embryo, then we’re going for broke, then we’re talking about the book itself. Consider a smoother progression]
Thanks again to the.jbrian!
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Art: Christmas still life – Eloise Harriet Stannard
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I disagree with a lot of your review. You insist on all the details on the first page instead of letting the author dole them out when he thinks they fit best into the story. I was very intrigued with what he provided, and especially with his writing style and way with words. Why are you asking the following question: A tombstone stacked on a mile-high pile of resentments; the whole world can see it casting an impossibly long shadow out of the graveyard and into the land of the living [The whole world can see one person’s tombstone stacked on a mile-high pile of resentments?]. Obviously he didn’t mean that literally, and I thought it was a very telling of how he’s looking back on his year.
I understand the whole world seeing one person’s tombstone stacked on a mile-high pile of resentments wasn’t intended literally, but what does it mean as a metaphor? I still don’t get it? Can you explain?
I think he’s talking about a life-changing event that he’s very bitter about and he’s decided to put it behind him. But it clearly is a monumental event preceded by anger and resentments, and it was apparent to everyone who knew him. Perhaps he had reached the depths of his ability to deal with that event and had to get over it in order to survive.
I still don’t get the “whole world” part of the metaphor and I still think it would be much more effective without it:
For this unlikely villain, one stands out above all others, ominous at any distance. It is a tombstone stacked on a mile-high pile of resentments casting an impossibly long shadow out of the graveyard and into the land of the living
I think that the whole world part is the way he sees it. Like it’s obvious to everyone what was happening. However, I don’t disagree with you that it would be fine without it.
I also wanted to explain my feelings about not putting all the information on the first page. Many times, I’ve had editors critique something that’s not explained where it’s all made clear on the next page, or shortly thereafter. I think the author has to say things they way they think works for the manuscript.
I’m definitely not trying to suggest that everything has to be revealed away. That’s not my intent and I often include a caveat in my page critiques to that effect. My broader point is just that even if you’re keeping some details in reserve, it still pays to make things tangible so the reader can start engaging with at least some specifics.
Interesting! I imagine that every reader has a slightly different take on every first page and that many may not be exactly what the author intended. Indeed my take on a page may vary from day to day. Some readers enjoy metaphors, even in non-fiction, even if they actually mistake the author’s intent. Others prefer more literal, concrete story-telling, even in fiction. Big early metaphors like in this first page require abeyance and patience which are not too everybody’s taste.
As for the tombstone standing on top of a mile-high pile of resentments in a graveyard and casting a very long shadow, the author says it marks the grave of his earlier self and the place (probably in time rather than space) where he died. No doubt his resentments died with him then. Though the long shadow suggests his “death” is far from forgotten. Hence this book.
As for which questions should be raised and/or answered, there is only so much room on a first page and authors and readers vary in which questions they want raised and answered. Some abeyance is inevitable and indeed desireable, hence “Suspense” novels. But Our Mileages Vary.
Thanks to Jbrian and Nathan and Pamela McCord!
For me, broad metaphors work when there is enough context. I agree that sometimes they take patience, but if I can’t trust that I’m in good hands and that all will be revealed, the metaphors can irritate me – they don’t seem like “suspense” to me. In this case, the writing is lovely, but I’m not sure who the villain is, and the tombstone metaphor also tripped me up. Is the first life a metaphorical first life or a literal first life and we’re dealing with a vampire? And if I was a little more trusting, I’d be okay not knowing if this story would be about his job, his father, his marriage, or his and his wife’s struggles with infertility.
On another note, it would take reworking, but “I wasn’t expecting much of a Christmas the year that my first life ended” would be an amazing opening line.