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Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to CKELLY1313, whose page is below.
Music-makers
YA contemporary fantasy
251 wordsHarp notes vibrated from Roisin’s O’Reilly’s phone. Shaking off a wave of dizziness, she dug into her faded black jeans. “Hey, girlfriend.” She swung a leg through an open first-floor window and landed on the grassy edge of Philadelphia Music Academy’s ball field. “What’s up?”
“Where are you? You know I’m soloing at rehearsal.”
“Like you’ve only mentioned a gazillion times.” A leaf blower roared in the background, half drowning Roisin’s words.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing.”
“Liar.” Aizan added a curse word in her grandmother’s Haitian creole.
Roisin laughed. “Don’t let our grandmothers hear you talk like that.” She drew a frown-face emoji with the worn heel of her black cowboy boot. Her voice tightened as she waved her phone with its broken screen. “Grand-mère is bringing Mom to a so-called spa in New York. They left this morning.”
“Seriously? Don’t move.” Moments later a hand with gold nails shot out of the window and tugged a handful of Roisin’s wavy auburn hair.
“Ow. Stop.” She swatted Aizan’s arm.
“Knew you’d be here.” Aizan climbed through the window. “You can stay with me.”
Roisin gave her a bright smile. “Thanks, but I’ll be fine.” (ital)I love the sound of my footsteps in an empty house.
“I’ll ask Miss Sallie to make your fav creole mac ‘n cheese.” Leaning back through the window, Aizan swung out a battered violin case and pressed it into Roisin’s hands. “Don’t even think of skipping.” She gingerly climbed back inside.
“Yes, Ma’am.” Roisin snapped a salute.
I’ve written previously how it’s very dangerous to start a novel off with extended dialogue before the reader has had a chance to get their bearings. It can be very disorienting to try to piece together what is happening without knowing where we are or much about the people who are talking.
It can be even more difficult when the dialogue is padded with empty banter intended to feel “natural” or show personality for the sake of showing personality.
Dialogue in novels is not like dialogue in the movies, where we’re absorbing an actor’s physical presence and all of the visuals, and it’s certainly not quite like real life dialogue either, which is far more imprecise. While it’s tough to generalize across the board, dialogue in novels should be focused, build toward a focal point or resolution, and should be surrounded by sufficient cues in the narrative voice and physical description to anchor the reader within a scene.
Sure, show personality in your dialogue, but try to avoid banter for banter’s sake. Show two people trying to accomplish something with a conversation rather than just talking.
In this case, while there are some good individualized details like Roisin’s ring tone, clothes, and some unique gestures, overall I’m feeling very lost in this scene. We don’t have sufficient anchoring with the narrative voice to give us context for who is who and what’s happening, what’s motivating the characters, and the dialogue alone isn’t enough to help us understand.
Don’t over-rely on dialogue! Make sure you’re utilizing the narrative voice to give the reader sufficient context.
Here’s my redline.
Music-makers
YA contemporary fantasy
251 wordsHarp notes vibrated from Roisin’s O’Reilly’s phone.
ShakingShe shook off a wave of dizziness [Why is she feeling dizzy? What’s the context?], sheand dug into her faded black jeans.¶”Hey, girlfriend.” She swung a leg through an open first-floor window and landed on the grassy edge of Philadelphia Music Academy’s ball field. “What’s up?” [I’m confused, who is calling? Why isn’t she identified? What’s the context?]
“Where are you?
You know I’m soloing at rehearsal.”[If she knows where she is why is she telling her again? This feels smushed in for the reader.]“Like you’ve only mentioned a gazillion times.” A leaf blower roared in the background, half drowning Roisin’s words.
“What’s that?”
“Nothing.” [This empty banter and the leaf blower doesn’t really add anything]
“Liar.” Aizan added a curse word in her grandmother’s Haitian creole. [I don’t understand why she’s cursing or why Roisin might be lying]
Roisin laughed. “Don’t let our grandmothers hear you talk like that.” [I don’t understand this, Aizan is with both of their grandmothers right now? Where?] She drew a frown-face emoji with the worn heel of her black cowboy boot. [I’m confused, she’s drawing an emoji with her heel? Where? Why?] Her voice tightened as she waved her phone with its broken screen [Waved her phone at what? Why?]. “Grand-mère is bringing Mom to a so-called spa in New York. They left this morning.”
“Seriously? Don’t move.” Moments later a hand with gold nails shot out of the window [Shot out of what window? I’m lost] and tugged a handful of Roisin’s wavy auburn hair.
“Ow. Stop.” She swatted Aizan’s arm. [Describe Aizan]
“Knew you’d be here.” [Where is “here?” What are they talking about?] Aizan climbed through the window [Again, what window? I’m feeling lost]. “You can stay with me.”
Roisin gave her a bright smile. “Thanks, but I’ll be fine.” (ital)I love the sound of my footsteps in an empty house. [They’re in a house? What house? Why don’t we have any context?]
“I’ll ask Miss Sallie to make your fav creole mac ‘n cheese.” Leaning back through the window [Still don’t understand this window], Aizan swung out a battered violin case [Swung out a battered violin case from where? Was she carrying it this whole time? Why wasn’t that described initially?] and pressed it into Roisin’s hands. “Don’t even think of skipping.” She gingerly climbed back inside.
“Yes, Ma’am.” Roisin snapped a salute.
Thanks again to CKELLY1313!
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Art: Detail from Rococo music scene by Francesco Ballesio
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I think you’ve done about all that can be done with this page, Nathan. As you said, it certainly needs some context – where this is and why we’re here – to keep the reader interested in the dialogue. The dialogue itself is acceptable but without context as to why these two are talking, and why I should care, I’m not apt to go further with it. And that’s the purpose of the opening page, to draw the reader forward into the story, make them want to know more, care more about the protagonist or whoever or whatever is the main focus of the narrative. CKELLY1313: This has some hints to be a good story. Keep at it.
It’s maybe the most vital and most-quoted rule there is with dialogue: find a balance between authenticity and efficiency, The one usually means “more words,” more verbal quirks and flourishes and meanderings that deepen our sense of who someone is. The other can mean “cut to the bone,” to find the most essential words for the story and character and get the rest out of the way. Real talk babbles, but we shouldn’t,
This is deep in the authenticity/wasteful side… and it can’t help it, because it seems to be before the story has started yet. It can’t emphasize the key points, because we don’t know what those are.