Guide the reader when you change settings (page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to arjaymg, whose page is below.

Title: Gravenhurst
Genre: Upper Middle-Grade fantasy
first chapter 213 words

The woman stood between two polished metal mirrors in the bottom of the castle’s locked, stone-walled keep. She was growing impatient. Stretching her arms out from her sides, her fingertips grazed both mirrors. Sparks that glowed the ugly greenish color of rotting olives grew from both mirrors, combined into a rope of sparks, and snaked up until it exited at the top of the keep.

A tall razor-thin man, wearing a coat made of black feathers, stood on top of the keep with his arms reaching to the sky like he was going to catch a football. The snake of sparks formed a large ball between his hands and then, with lightning-like speed, shot into the sky.

Deep in the bowels of the keep, the woman began to laugh. Finally, she thought, my plan begins. Her smiling lips pulling back to reveal teeth that were half rotted but still sharp, still sharp after a thousand years. Finally.
3,640 miles away, the sparks snaked their way through the windows of a cheerful yellow, colonial-style home in Michigan and found mirrors into which it could hide and wait.

The home did not know it was under attack.

And the children, the poor children. They did not know the madness that would be wrought upon them.

There are clearly some exciting things happening in this opening and some evocative imagery. While I have some quibbles about some of the description and the football metaphor, I can picture everything that’s happening in a clear way.

My main concern with this page is that it betrays a subtle form of head jumping that makes this opening a bit disorienting. In particular, the narrative jumps around in physical space in a way I found jarring. First we’re in a keep, then a man appears only he’s on top of the keep, then we’re back in the keep, then we’re in the woman’s head, then we’re in Michigan.

If you’re going to change physical locations, such as when we go from within the keep to on top of the keep it’s so, so crucial to guide the reader. The man is described first, so I pictured him in the keep, then when we find out he’s on top of the keep I had to suddenly erase and redraw my mental image of the scene. Don’t make a reader do that.

And who’s narrating? Why does the narrative voice know so much and yet it doesn’t seem to know any character’s names or choose to guide us through the significance of what’s happening?

Our guide through this novel is feeling a bit capricious right off the bat. All does not have to be revealed straightaway, but I came away from this opening just a tad disoriented.

Here’s my redline:

Title: Gravenhurst
Genre: Upper Middle-Grade fantasy
first chapter 213 words

The woman stood between two polished metal mirrors in the bottom of the castle’s locked, stone-walled keep. She was growing impatient. [Missed opportunity to show more individualized description. How does this woman look when she’s impatient?] Stretching her arms out from her sides [Needlessly convoluted description. Where else would her arms go but “from her sides?”], Her fingertips grazed both the mirrors. Sparks that glowed the ugly greenish color of rotting olives grew from both mirrors, combined into a rope of sparks, and snaked up until it exited at through the top of the keep. [Slightly confused by this description, do the sparks just go straight through the ceiling? Is there some kind of a hole?]

Atop the keep stood a [re-establish the new setting if he’s not in the keep] tall razor-thin man wearing a coat made of black feathers, stood on top of the keep with his arms reaching to the sky like he was going to catch a football [It’s jarring to have a football metaphor in such a magical setting, and I’m not sure we struggle to imagine someone reaching to the sky]. The snake of sparks formed a large ball between his hands and then, with lightning-like speed, shot into the sky.

Deep in the bowels of In the keep, the woman began to laugh, revealing teeth that were half rotted but still sharp, still sharp after a thousand years. Finally, she thought, my plan begins. Her smiling lips pulling back to reveal teeth that were half rotted but still sharp, still sharp after a thousand years. Finally.

3,640 miles away [A bit of an odd detail. Why is the narrative voice telling us a very specific distance but not just telling us where the keep was to begin with?], the sparks snaked their way through the windows of a cheerful yellow, colonial-style home in Michigan and found mirrors into which it could hide and wait.

The home did not know it was under attack. [Do homes usually know they’re under attack? Or do you mean the people insde?]

And the children, the poor children. [What children? Why doesn’t the narrative voice tell us who they are?] They did not know the madness that would be wrought upon them.

Thanks again to arjaymg!

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Art: Aelbert Cuyp – Thunderstorm over Dordrecht