Focus on the story (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Catherine Shields, whose query is below. (The first page of this memoir was critiqued here).

Dear [Agent],

I am currently seeking representation for my novel, A MILLION WAYS TO MEASURE NORMAL. Given your interest in memoir, I thought it might be a good fit for your list.

Before 1990, the term “mental retardation” was used to describe individuals diagnosed with low IQ, but it has since been replaced with the phrase, “intellectual disability.” There are currently over seven million children in the United States diagnosed with this condition. Nothing can prepare a parent for the emotions that come with raising a special needs child.

At approximately 84,000 words, A MILLION WAYS TO MEASURE NORMAL is a story of denial and acceptance. The year was 1988 when a doctor told us our four-year-old daughter was profoundly retarded and would never grow up to live a normal, independent life. I grappled with this life sentence, went through stages of anger, denial, grief, and finally acceptance. Throughout our journey, my stubborn resistance and determination helped our daughter achieve much more than the doctor originally predicted. Along the way, I learned the lessons of unconditional love. In 2011, at the age of twenty-eight, our daughter moved into a group home.

This story would appeal to adult women, mothers, and parents of children with disabilities. One reader has compared the novel’s themes to that of Magdalena Newman’s NORMAL: A MOTHER AND HER BEAUTIFUL SON. and I think it will find an audience in readers of that novel as well as novels by Tara Westover or Jeannette Wells—writers who use domestic settings to illuminate universal themes.

An excerpt of this memoir was published by Levitate Magazine, Issue No. 3 (2019). My short stories have appeared in Ariel Chart International Literary Journal, ’45 Magazine Women’s Literary Journal, Flash Fiction Friday, A Story in 100 words, and Spillwords, Strength To Be Human (Podcast, Episode 96: An Interview with Catherine Shields): “My Phantom Ovaries”. This short story remains in the top ten reads of the international online journal Ariel Chart and was nominated for the 2019 Pushcart Prize for Fiction by that same publication. I am a member of the Florida Writers Association and a retired educator with an M.S. Ed in Reading. I currently reside in Miami, Florida where I live with my husband.

Included below are the first twenty-five pages of the manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

There’s so much potential in this project and I want to dig in deeper, but I’m afraid I’m struggling to get a sense of the specifics of the story.

Particularly with a project that feels very bound up with one’s own life and emotions, it can be tricky to get the right distance to distill the story into 250-250 words. But it’s so, so important.

In a query letter you have throw out what you think your novel or memoir means. Focus on what happens.

Ditch the themes (“authors who use domestic settings to illuminate universal themes”), ditch the diagnoses (“denial and acceptance,” “stubborn resistance and determination”), ditch the unspecific events (“went through stages of anger, denial, grief, and finally acceptance”), ditch what other readers thought of your book.

You have to tell the story.

There’s a lot of potential here, but it feels a bit obscured at the moment. I think we’d have a much keener sense of the power of this project if we could see what actually happens in the memoir.

Here’s my redline:

Dear [Agent],

I am currently seeking representation for my novel, A MILLION WAYS TO MEASURE NORMAL. Given your interest in memoir, I thought it might be a good fit for your list. [This may just be a placeholder but the personalization isn’t specific enough, you should say something about the agent beyond the genre(s) they represent]

Before 1990, the term “mental retardation” was used to describe individuals diagnosed with low IQ, but it has since been replaced with the phrase, “intellectual disability.” There are currently over seven million children in the United States diagnosed with this condition. Nothing can prepare a parent for the emotions that come with raising a special needs child. [I don’t think an agent needs to be primed to understand the significance of raising a child with special needs?]

At approximately 84,000 words, A MILLION WAYS TO MEASURE NORMAL is a story of denial and acceptance. The year was In 1988 when a doctor told us our four-year-old daughter was profoundly retarded and would never grow up to live a normal, independent life. I grappled with this life sentence, went through stages of anger, denial, grief, and finally acceptance [I worry this is too vague and isn’t giving us a sense of what’s happening. How did these emotions manifest? What’s actually happening in the story]. Throughout our journey [journey to where?], my stubborn resistance [how did this manifest?] and determination [how did this manifest?] helped our daughter achieve much more [Which is what?] than the doctor originally predicted. Along the way, I learned the lessons of unconditional love [What lessons?]. In 2011, at the age of twenty-eight, our daughter moved into a group home.

A MILLION WAYS TO MEASURE NORMAL is complete at 84,000 words and This story would appeal to adult women [I don’t think you need target audiences, but “adult women” is far too vague if you include them], mothers, and parents of children with disabilities. One reader has compared the novel’s themes to that readers of Magdalena Newman’s NORMAL: A MOTHER AND HER BEAUTIFUL SON. and I think it will find an audience in readers of that novel as well as novels [Westover and Wells are most known for memoirs?] by Tara Westover or and Jeannette Wells—writers who use domestic settings to illuminate universal themes.

An excerpt of this memoir was published by Levitate Magazine, Issue No. 3 ( in 2019). My short stories have appeared in Ariel Chart International Literary Journal, ’45 Magazine Women’s Literary Journal, Flash Fiction Friday, A Story in 100 words, and Spillwords, Strength To Be Human (Podcast, Episode 96: An Interview with Catherine Shields): “My Phantom Ovaries”. This My short story “My Phantom Ovaries” remains in the top ten reads of the international online journal Ariel Chart and was nominated for the 2019 Pushcart Prize for Fiction by that same publication.

I am a member of the Florida Writers Association and a retired educator with an M.S. Ed in Reading. I currently reside in Miami, Florida where I live with my husband.

Included below are the first twenty-five pages of the manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks again to Catherine Shields!

Need help with your book? I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and coaching!

For my best advice, check out my online classes, my guide to writing a novel and my guide to publishing a book.

And if you like this post: subscribe to my newsletter!

Art: L’avenue au Jas de Bouffan by Paul Cézanne