Emotions are more powerful when they’re “earned” (page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to grimester, whose page is below.

Despair and Hope: Prologue

As flames engulfed the grotesque face of the monstrous 50-foot marionette, Zozobra’s horrendous growls and moans tore at Joe Rockwell’s soul. A host of people gathered in the darkness of Santa Fe’s Fort Marcy Park crowding in on him like the suffocating grief Joe had felt since his wife, Maggie, had lost her battle with cancer two months ago.

Thousands flocked to Santa Fe each year on the Thursday before Labor Day to the Burning of Zozobra, held during the Fiestas de Santa Fe. Zozobra, or “Old Man Gloom,” along the participants’ personal representations of their struggles, pain and disappointment of the past year, were destroyed in a deluge of flames and fireworks. Joe and Maggie came the year they moved to Santa Fe — more than 10 years ago now — and had been hooked.

It was a great exercise to write down their struggles — losses, disappointments and problems — and bring them to the festival. They would stand arm-in-arm or hand-in-hand and cheer as their gloom was destroyed in the inferno. Something about that physical process made a tangible emotional difference. On the way home, they found new excitement building toward the possibilities of the next year, and ideas began to flow.

This year was different. Maggie was not there, and that was it. His source of gloom. Tonight, Joe brought Maggie’s death certificate. This single item represented the nightmare this year had been: her final struggle with breast cancer, the pain and

I really like the idea behind this opening. The burning of Zozobra is an evocative visual image and it’s a great way to show and channel Joe’s grief. It’s especially powerful that Joe and his late wife have memories from the ceremony and now her death is the dark memory that he must destroy in the inferno. It has a lot of potential.

My main concern with the opening is that we’re hit with Joe’s emotions like a sledgehammer right off the bat with pretty lurid descriptions of his emotional state (“tore at Joe Rockwell’s soul,” “crowding in on him like the suffocating grief Joe had felt since his wife..”) rather than letting things build a little more naturally.

Emotions in novels tend to be more effective when they’re “earned,” meaning we see them through actions and the way characters react to their emotions rather than just being directly told what a character is feeling. Always avoid diagnosing characters and instead try to show how they’re channeling the emotions.

In this case, what Joe is doing at the festival is powerful. If we could get our bearings a bit first and absorb what’s happening as he’s going through the ceremony, it’s going to pack more of a punch.

Here’s my redline.

Despair and Hope: Prologue

As fFlames engulfed the grotesque face of the a monstrous 50-foot marionette, and Zozobra’s horrendous growls and moans tore at Joe Rockwell’s soul [“tore at Joe’s soul” feels a bit overwrought, soften this]. A host of people were gathered in the darkness of Santa Fe’s Fort Marcy Park, crowding in on him like the suffocating grief Joe had felt since his wife, Maggie, had lost her battle with cancer two months ago. [This also feels a bit overwrought, consider saving this reveal for later in the page]

Thousands of people flocked to Santa Fe each year on the Thursday before Labor Day to for the Burning of Zozobra, held during the Fiestas de Santa Fe. Zozobra, or “Old Man Gloom,” along the participants’ personal representations of their struggles, pain and disappointment of the past year, were was destroyed in a deluge of flames and fireworks along with participants’ personal representations of their struggles, pain and disappointment of the past year. Joe and Maggie came the year they moved to Santa Fe–more than 10 years ago now–and had been hooked.

It was a great exercise to write down their struggles–losses, disappointments and problems–and bring them to the festival. They would stand arm-in-arm or hand-in-hand [just pick one] and cheer as their gloom was destroyed in the inferno. Something about that physical process made a tangible emotional difference. On the way home, they found new excitement building toward the possibilities of the next year, and ideas began to flow. [Consider revealing an example or two of the ideas to open up their world a bit more]

This year was different. Maggie was not there, and that was it. His source of gloom. Tonight, Joe brought Maggie’s death certificate. This single item represented the nightmare this year had been: her final struggle with breast cancer, the pain and

Thanks again to grimester!

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Art: Valencia, New Mexico by Abert, J. W.; Cooke, Philip St. George; Emory, William H.; Johnston, Abraham Robinson