Don’t tell an agent what your novel means, tell them the story (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Kristy, whose query is below.

Encouraged by your interest in XXXXXXXXXXX, I’m hopeful you’ll consider my novel, THE ROBBER. My completed, 98,500 word manuscript is set in the south, and while the characters are quirky and flawed to be sure, they’re redeemable. Think of it as a DIVINE SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD with a Christian theme. I believe this story and these characters would resonate with fans of both mainstream women’s fiction as well as uplifting Christian literature.

It starts with a baptism. An older woman crippled with shame and regret wonders if her life would have been different if she’d made better choices. If she’d resisted temptation. If she’d overcome her insecurities and the pain of her childhood. In other words, if she’d been more like her best friend and rival.

Told in first person, the chapters alternate between two young narrators, ROBIN and DESIREE.

Although their petite appearances are strikingly similar, ROBIN and DESIREE (DESI) have little in common. Robin has lived in the small town of Shady Gully, Louisiana her whole life while Desi comes from the big city of Albuquerque. Robin’s family is devout, reserved and dedicated to church. Desi’s never been to church, her parents are divorced, she has a new step-dad, and her Mom, SUNNY is as flamboyant as they come.

As their unexpected friendship blossoms, this coming of age novel becomes a journey into adulthood. It resonates with the crippling effects of our insecurities, both those we inherit and the ones we own. The ending not only reveals whose baptism the story began with, but Desi and Robin’s revelation that there is only one true way to fill the emptiness inside, to quiet the lies, and to ultimately destroy … THE ROBBER.

I’ve written four novels and seven screenplays and am the recipient of various awards including the Silver in the PAGE INT’L AWARDS and the Actors Choice Award for my screenplay at SCSFe. I’m currently working on the follow up to THE ROBBER as it will be a series.

As per your submission guidelines I’ve XXXXXXXX. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
XXXX

Once we eventually get to the plot summary, I think there’s some good setup here and I like the idea of two physically similar girls with very different personalities who become frenemies. But the crucial paragraph on what actually happens in the novel descends into a vague catalog of themes.

Agents don’t want to know what your novel means. They want to know what happens. They want to know the story. They want to know what makes your characters and the world of your novel stand out from all the other novels out there.

Themes like “Coming of age” could mean literally anything and don’t tell us anything about what makes a novel unique. Ditch what’s universal and hone in on what makes your story unique.

Also, there are a few things in this query agents don’t tend to need to know about (unless they specifically ask for it):

• Perspective. Again, unless they specifically ask, it’s not necessary to specify the perspective, which is going to be readily apparent from your opening pages anyway.
• Sequels. It’s really important to hedge on series for all of the reasons I articulate in my post on series. These are your magic words: “X stands alone but could be expanded into a series.”

Here’s my redline:

Encouraged by your interest in XXXXXXXXXXX, I’m hopeful you’ll consider my YA novel, THE ROBBER. My completed, 98,500 word manuscript is set in the south, and while the characters are quirky and flawed to be sure, they’re redeemable. Think of it as a DIVINE SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD with a Christian theme. I believe this story and these characters would resonate with fans of both mainstream women’s fiction as well as uplifting Christian literature.

It starts with a baptism. An older woman crippled with shame and regret wonders if her life would have been different if she’d made better choices. If she’d resisted temptation. If she’d overcome her insecurities and the pain of her childhood. In other words, if she’d been more like her best friend and rival. [This is a very vague opening and I’m struggled to make heads or tails of it. It’s also a curious choice to start a YA novel with an “older woman?”]

Told in first person, the chapters alternate between two young narrators, ROBIN and DESIREE. [We don’t need to know the perspective. Also, no need to capitalize character names in query letters in book publishing]

Although their petite appearances (insert more specific description) are strikingly similar [I think you can do more to evoke what’s unique about similarities], Robin and DESIREE (Desi have little in common. Robin has lived in the small town of Shady Gully, Louisiana her whole life while Desi comes from the big city of Albuquerque. Robin’s family is devout, reserved and dedicated to church. Desi’s never been to church, her parents are divorced, she has a new stepdad, and her mom, Sunny is as flamboyant as they come.

As their unexpected friendship blossoms (insert how and where), this coming of age novel becomes a journey into adulthood [This is a cliche and doesn’t really tell us anything about the story]. It resonates with the crippling effects of our insecurities, both those we inherit and the ones we own. [Avoid themes. Tell us what happens] The ending not only reveals whose baptism the story began with, but Desi and Robin’s revelation that there is only one true way to fill the emptiness inside, to quiet the lies, and to ultimately destroy … THE ROBBER. [I don’t know what this means]

THE ROBBER is complete at 98,500 words. Think of it as a DIVINE SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD with a Christian theme. [If you’re going to include a comp be sure and include at least one book that has been published within the last 5-10 years] It stands alone but could be expanded into a series.

I’ve written four novels and seven screenplays and am the recipient of various awards including the Silver in the PAGE INT’L AWARDS and the Actors Choice Award for my screenplay at SCSFe. I’m currently working on the follow up to THE ROBBER as it will be a series.

As per your submission guidelines I’ve XXXXXXXX. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,
XXXX

Thanks again to Kristy!

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Art: Diary of a journey from the Mississippi to the coasts of the Pacific with a United States government expedition