There is such a thing as too short (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to vldixon, whose query is below.

In a land where necromancers are reviled and the dead feared, Lord Liu Jie keeps a secret. The spirits of his dead follow and talk to him. When his nephew, the Emperor, summons Jie to civil war, his survival seems impossible. If he’s not killed in battle, his secret may force his men to kill him. Then the usurping Chancellor’s attacks increase the number of ghosts. But the ghosts offer aid against the demon possessing the Chancellor. If Jie exorcises the demon, his people will kill him as a bone-dancing necromancer. If he doesn’t, he and everyone he’s fought to protect will be damned for eternity.

MOURN THEIR COURAGE IS a 100k-word tale based on popular Chinese folk stories. I describe the novel as a cross between “Red Cliffs” and “The Sixth Sense.” It will appeal to fans of Ken Liu, R.F. Kuang, and Guy Gavriel Kay.

I am a 2010 Sandy Writers Finalist and received Honorable Mention in the Writers of the Future contest. Publications include online magazines and Nature Futures. In addition to my research, I have traveled to China, learned some Mandarin and founded the online group, Authors of Asian Novels.

I’m very intrigued by this premise, and the mix of ingredients seems promising. I like the historical setting, and the combination of spirits and war seems enticing for an epic novel. The final choice Jie faces is described in a very clear way. It’s all probably enough to get this query over the bar with quite a few agents.

But I still have a few concerns. For one, I worry the plot description is just a bit too abbreviated. There are a few concepts I couldn’t easily wrap my head around, and I’m not sure Jie’s personality comes through in a clear way.

This is a super short query letter. It clocks in at 197 words, well below the 250-350 I recommend. There’s a bit more room to flesh out the plot and weave in a bit more voice.

Always try to make the experience of reading the query like reading the novel. If you can reframe a phrase like “Lord Liu Jie keeps a secret” with a more individualized way that Lord Liu Jie thinks about it, such as “Lord Liu Jie has a secret power he wishes he could be rid of,” or whatever he’s like in the novel, it shows a whole lot more personality without adding significantly to the word count.

Also: “tale” is not a genre! Try to anchor this to a particular genre. It sounds like historical fantasy to me.

Here’s my redline:

[Insert personalized tidbit about agent to show that you researched them individually]

In a land where necromancers are reviled and the dead feared, Lord Liu Jie keeps a secret [Any way to weave in more of Liu Jie’s personality here?]. The spirits of his dead [I’m not sure what “his dead” means. People he’s killed?] follow and talk to him. When his [adjective] nephew, the Emperor, summons Jie to civil war [Who is fighting whom? Also, I think you can give just a bit more of a sense of what the Emperor is like], his survival seems impossible. If he’s not killed in battle, his secret may force his men to kill him. he risks being executed by his own men if his secret is discovered [I stumbled on this, how exactly would this be discovered?].

WThen the usurping Chancellor‘s attacks [insert who the Chancellor attacks to help us understand the broader conflict] it increases the number of ghosts. But the ghosts offer aid [Be more specific. How do they help?] against the demon possessing the Chancellor. If Jie exorcises the demon, his people will kill him as for being a bone-dancing necromancer. If he doesn’t, he and everyone he’s fought to protect will be damned for eternity.

MOURN THEIR COURAGE IS a 100k-word tale historical fantasy novel based on popular Chinese folk stories. I describe the novel it as a cross between “Red Cliffs” and “The Sixth Sense.” It will appeal to fans of Ken Liu, R.F. Kuang, and Guy Gavriel Kay.

I am a 2010 Sandy Writers Finalist and received Honorable Mention in the Writers of the Future contest. Publications include online magazines and Nature Futures. In addition to my research, I have traveled to China, learned some Mandarin and founded the online group, Authors of Asian Novels.

Thanks again to vldixon!

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Art: One of twelve landscapes by Gao Qipei