Don’t start a novel with a generic gesture (page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to seeleyjames, whose page is below.

Title: Death and Betrayal
Genre: Action-Adventure

The man they call Ra took a deep breath and tamped down his growing agitation without betraying his emotions. The general controlled a good deal of money. Ra could put up with the general’s emissary a while longer. Ra said, “We’re talking about an auction for the most advanced weapon system the world has ever seen. An auction your general could easily win. What concerns could he possibly have?”

The emissary inhaled to create a dramatic and smug pause.

Ra resisted the urge to glance over the sea toward Monaco’s harbor. He was dying to see if his darling’s tender was on its way back from town, but he wouldn’t allow himself to be distracted.

“The general does not believe you have what you claim.” The emissary said in his heavily accented English. He gestured with his arms wide, encompassing Ra’s superyacht. “I do not see it here on your little skiff.”

Behind his left shoulder, the emissary’s sycophantic lieutenant smirked.

The dig was childish. The Savannah was the biggest yacht in Monaco, a present to himself after making billions in commodities. An all-American yacht for his all-American success story. So American, in fact, it was too big to dock in the harbor. Sure, it was post-season, and the Numina would drop anchor due east of him in a matter of weeks. Until then, the Savannah reigned supreme. He felt like gutting the slimy emissary for his rudeness. Instead, he smoothed his Kiton sport coat and puffed up his thin frame.

It gives me no pleasure to remind everyone that you only get to use a generic gesture twice in an entire novel. (Just kidding, I love reminding people about this).

This page has some strong details and sense of place, but seeleyjames has already used up the only two deep breaths that should exist in the whole novel! In the first two paragraphs, no less! (“Ra took a deep breath” / “The emissary inhaled to create a dramatic and smug pause.”).

Perhaps more importantly, it’s so crucial to remember that the first paragraph in a novel is your reader’s first impression. Whatever you do, don’t let the first impression be generic gestures and reactions that don’t really tell us anything unique about a particular character.

This could really be said about anyone: “took a deep breath and tamped down his growing agitation without betraying his emotions.” What could only be said about Ra? How does Ra act when he’s trying to contain his agitation?

My second concern with the first line is that it seems to start in third person omniscient (“The man they call Ra”), but the rest of the page seems to be in third person limited tied to Ra. If it’s third person limited, does Ra think of himself as “the man they call Ra?” Who is “they?” And does he think of his own “thin frame” in the last line?

I like the setting in this page, but I think more can be done to set the scene more clearly, ease us into a clearer perspective, and show us what makes Ra unique.

Here’s my redline:

Title: Death and Betrayal
Genre: Action-Adventure

The man they call Ra took a deep breath and tamped down his growing agitation without betraying his emotions. [See thoughts above] The general controlled a good deal of money [Missed opportunity to be more specific to open up the world of the novel, e.g. “the general controlled the entire budget of the United States defense department”]. Ra could put up with the general’s emissary a while longer [Missed opportunity to show motivation. Ra could put up with the emissary to what end?].

¶Ra said, “We’re talking about an auction for the most advanced weapon system the world has ever seen,” Ra said. “An auction your general could easily win. What concerns could he possibly have?” [This feels like heavy-handed exposition via dialogue. Can’t we have this exposition via Ra’s narrative voice and the dialogue can be more focused and realistic?]

The emissary inhaled to create a dramatic and smug pause. [Second meaningful deep breath, use something more unique that helps us imagine the emissary’s physical presence]

Ra resisted the urge to glance over the sea toward Monaco’s harbor. He was dying to see if his darling’s tender was on its way back from town, but he wouldn’t allow himself to be distracted.

“The general does not believe you have what you claim,” Tthe emissary said in his heavily accented English. He gestured with his arms wide, encompassing to Ra’s superyacht. [Gestures don’t “encompass” yachts] “I do not see it here on your little skiff.”

Behind his left shoulder, The emissary’s sycophantic lieutenant smirked. [Where did this person come from? Set the scene more precisely from the outset so people don’t pop up out of nowhere and force the reader to re-imagine who’s present in a scene. It also helps avoid awkward interjections like “behind his left shoulder”]

The dig was childish. The Savannah was the biggest yacht in Monaco, a present Ra gave to himself after making billions in commodities [How does one make billions “in commodities?” Be more specific to open up the world of the novel]. An all-American yacht for his all-American success story. So American, in fact, it was too big to dock in the harbor. Sure, it was post-season [Now sure which “post-season” is being referred to here], and the Numina would drop anchor due east of him in a matter of weeks. Until then, the Savannah reigned supreme. He felt like gutting the slimy emissary for his rudeness. Instead, he smoothed his Kiton sport coat and puffed up his thin frame. [Is “thin frame” Ra’s perspective? Is that how he would refer to himself?]

Thanks again to seeleyjames!

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Art: New York Yacht Club racing boats in New York Harbor by James G. Tyler