Shoot for 250-350 words in a query letter (query critique)

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• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to wes, whose query is below.

Emily Hopkins made sense. She had friends, family, and a future as she entered the final year of junior high. She knew what she wanted to be (a writer), where she would go for college (UC – Irvine), and who she wanted to date (Ben Trainor). She loved her parents (especially her father), her town, and her life.

Then her family moved from Irvine, CA to Walnut Grove, IL. Now, Emily tries to maneuver a new town, a new school, and a new life. No creative writing class. No friends. No Ben Trainor. Her dad works all the time and she never sees him.

One month after she moves, Emily’s life goes from bad to worse. Ella, her 8-year-old autistic sister, is stung by bees the night a toxic spill threatens the town.

Ella gains super powers she cannot control.

Emily is the only one who knows about Ella’s powers. And those powers quickly become a danger to Ella and those around her.

Emily’s life goes from worse to terrible when she realizes Ella is not the only one who gained super powers that night. Mrs. Johnson, the cat lady from down the street, becomes a Cat Lady and attacks their house. A high school student attacked by wolves becomes a Wolf Man and attacks a junior high assembly. Twin boys who pick on Ella at school turn into bear boys and attack the city’s Fall Festival.

Emily’s life goes from terrible to horrific when the government takes charge of Walnut Grove in the aftermath of the toxic spill. It claims everyone in the city is hallucinating about the attacks and needs to get a shot to stop the effects of the toxic gas. Emily knows they are covering up the attacks. She tries to talk to her dad about it only to learn he is involved with the cover up.

Emily must help Ella control her powers, resist the government, and save Walnut Grove, IL from the monsters that begin attacking the town. As she does, she begins to learn how to love her sister, experiences her first kiss from a boy, and loses the close relationship she had with her father.

The Rise of The Bee is a 45,000 word middle grade book. Though The Rise of The Bee is its own story, it compares to The Avengers/Marvel Universe type origin story, with a Stranger Things feel.

There are some really fun elements in this query, and I like the idea of a small town with Cat Ladies and Wolf Men running amok. The author took care to give us a sense of Emily’s personality and though I always worry about the perils of plot points like an autistic child gaining superpowers, I like the family drama with the father.

My main concern with the query itself is that it’s extremely long. I highly recommend queries for novels clock in between 250-350 words, including the personalization and author bio. Even without any personalization or anything about the author, this query is over 400 words.

In this case the query feels padded with details that feel like overkill, cliches (“bad to worse,” “worse to terrible,” etc.) and over-explaining about what’s already implied.

When you remove those elements, the query is a more reasonable length and reads relatively smoothly, apart from a lack of specificity around Ella’s powers.

Here’s my redline:

[Insert personalized tidbit about the agent to show you researched them individually]

Emily Hopkins‘ life made makes sense. She had friends, family, and a future as she entersed the final year of junior high. She knew knows what she wantsed to be (a writer), where she would will go for college (UC – Irvine), and who she wantsed to date (Ben Trainor). She loved her parents (especially her father), her town, and her life. Then her family moveds from Irvine, CA to Walnut Grove, IL. Now, Emily tries to maneuver a new town, a new school, and a new life. No creative writing class. No friends. No Ben Trainor. Her dad works all the time and she never sees him.

One month after she moves, Emily’s life goes from bad to worse [Avoid this cliche]. Ella, her 8-year-old autistic sister, is stung by bees the night a toxic spill threatens the town. Ella gains superpowers [superpowers is one word] she cannot control. [Be more specific. What can she do?] Emily is the only one who knows about Ella’s powers. And those powers quickly become a danger to Ella and those around her. [Be more specific. How?]

Emily’s life goes from worse to terrible when she realizes Ella is not the only one who gained superpowers that night. Mrs. Johnson, the cat lady from down the street, becomes a Cat Lady and attacks their house. A high school student attacked by wolves becomes a Wolf Man and attacks a junior high assembly. Twin boys who pick on Ella at school turn into Bear Boys and attack the city’s Fall Festival. [Think we get the gist]

Emily’s life goes from terrible to horrific wWhen the government takes charge of Walnut Grove in the aftermath of the toxic spill, it claims everyone in the city is hallucinating about the attacks and needs to get a shot to stop the effects of the toxic gas. Emily knows they are covering up the attacks. She tries to talk to her dad about it only to learn he is involved with the cover–up.

Emily must help Ella control her powers, resist the government, and save Walnut Grove, IL from the monsters that begin attacking the town. As she does, she begins to learn how to love her sister, experiences her first kiss from a boy, and loses the close relationship she had with her father.

THE RISE OF THE BEE is a 45,000 word middle grade novel book. Though The Rise of The Bee is its own story, it that compares to “The Avengers”/Marvel Universe type origin story, with a “Stranger Things” feel. [Insert brief bio]

Thanks again to wes!

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Art: Jean-Baptiste Oudry – Le loup et l’agneau