Don’t smush a plot summary into the start of your query (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Michael Marino, whose query is below.

Hello, Nathan.

The following is my Query for my completed Adult Suspense Fiction novel. Thank you very much for your assistance in getting this Query presentable. My address, phone number, and email are on at the top right corner. Then the query begins:

Dear Jessica,

When I read that you were looking for Suspense and commented, “I want twists, turns, and surprises.” I knew I could introduce you to FOOTSTEPS FORGED, my completed 93,700-word Suspense fiction manuscript of an estranged father and son reunion that takes place in a misbehaving Pennsylvania forest. Their reconciliation becomes complicated by a deranged bear, an urban legend, and a woman that as fallen out of the sky.

On the tenth anniversary of his wife’s death, ANGELO CREDENTE, a stubborn seventy-year-old man who refers to his gliomas, as the “rocks in his head,” finds a strange woman sitting in his bedroom’s rocking chair. Hallucination? He stopped his medication. A prank? The October’s full moon kicks-off the yearly haunting of the local Kara Cha legend. A visitation? He doesn’t believe in spirits or demons or angels. A guilty conscience? It’s his last chance at forgiveness for his wife’s death.

MATTHEW ‘MATTY’ CREDENTE, his wayward son, lost his money in a rigged poker game, and his girlfriend burned down his apartment. Using the hide-a-key, he creeps into his father’s house. He’ll confront his old man in the morning. Except. The following day, Matty wakes to find he’s alone. A note found among the camping equipment challenges him to “Come, follow me.”

Hours apart, Angelo and Matty have their journeys. Matty begrudges hiking on their favorite trail to bring back his father. His teenage wilderness skills, buried by adulthood, save him the first night. When he meets the exploited would-be actress and her manipulative boyfriend-director, on the hunt to prove the urban legend, Matty’s skills come to their rescue. After a bear attack, Matty treats the actress for shock and wounds. Guided by the full moon’s light is the victimized mixed-race female Park Ranger, who believes is being chased by her assailant. She barges into Matty’s tent while the bear is on the prowl. Miles away, Angelo helps a hiker with a sprained ankle. He recognizes her as the woman from his bedroom. Each time Angelo tries to escape her, the forest brings him back to her. And, each time, the mystery woman probes the penitent Angelo with the memory of his wife. Is she Kara’s ghost? His wife’s avenging friend? An Angel? Death?

All trails lead to Sagemore, the abandoned village where the urban legend began. Another one is about to be made. The Ranger, perceived as the criminal of her attack, is met by the Sheriff and his men. Guns are drawn. Shots fired. Fifteen times. When it’s over, a phenomenon, performed by the mystery woman, changes everyone’s truths. For Angelo, his gift saves a life. Forgiving saves his.

Written in the third person, Beta readers commented that FOOTSTEPS FORGED had the elements of the hit show, EVIL. The logical and the supernatural can explain the action in the story that involves characters inspired by current movements. This is my first novel. I write as M. E. Marino.

Thank you for your time with my query. I am submitting the first chapter as requested on your website. I look forward to the opportunity of presenting the completed manuscript to you.

Best regards,
Michael E. Marino

There are some intriguing elements in this query and I like the idea of a family drama playing out in a mysterious forest. But, first off, this query is far too long. I highly recommend that queries hit a sweet spot between 250-350 words, and this one clocks in at a whopping 535 words.

There’s a whole lot here that feels extraneous, including:

• A smushed in plot summary in the opening paragraph that feels repetitive with the plot description in the rest of the query. You don’t need a teaser or logline in a query letter, just utilize the main plot description.
• The POV. Unless the agent specifically asks for it, you don’t need it.
• What beta readers think of your book. An agent is not going to be interested and will assume they’re biased.
• Themes. Anything you want to know about the themes of the novel should be readily apparent from the plot description. You shouldn’t need to state them separately. In general, agents don’t care much about themes. They want to know whether it’s a great story.

But perhaps my bigger concern is that even with so many words in the query, I’m still not really grasping key elements of the plot. What is the urban legend? What does Matty want to confront his father about? I can guess it’s about his mother, but what does he think happened? Who does the park ranger think is chasing her?

The novel appears to hinge on Angelo’s and Matty’s relationship, and yet I struggle to grasp what’s at stake in that. Sure, I can guess it has something to do with Matty’s mother, but more specificity will bring it to life.

Please note that I’m not advocating that we add more detail to an already-long query letter to make it still longer. What’s crucial here is that we get the right kind of detail. If you swap out vague turns of phrase with specificity, remove what’s extraneous, and add in missing detail that helps us understand the broader context, you can still totally write a great query letter in less than 350 words.

Here’s my redline:

Hello, Nathan.

The following is my Query for my completed Adult Suspense Fiction novel. Thank you very much for your assistance in getting this Query presentable. My address, phone number, and email are on at the top right corner [The vast majority of agents accept electronic queries, and there’s no need to put your contact info at the top of an email. Put it beneath your signature]. Then the query begins:

Dear Jessica,

When I read that you were looking for suspense and commented, “I want twists, turns, and surprises.,” I knew I could introduce you to FOOTSTEPS FORGED, my completed 93,700-word suspense novel fiction manuscript of an estranged father and son reunion that takes place in a misbehaving Pennsylvania forest. Their reconciliation becomes complicated by a deranged bear, an urban legend, and a woman that as fallen out of the sky.

On the tenth anniversary of his wife’s death, ANGELO CREDENTE [Capitalizing characters is more of a movie convention, though occasionally you’ll see agents recommend this in synopses. Don’t do it in a query letter], a stubborn seventy-year-old man who refers to his gliomas, as the “rocks in his head,” finds a strange woman sitting in his bedroom’s rocking chair. Hallucination? He stopped his medication. A prank? The October’s full moon kicks-off the yearly haunting of the local Kara Cha legend. [I’m not grasping what this legend has to do with a prank] A visitation? He doesn’t believe in spirits or demons or angels. A guilty conscience? It’s his last chance at forgiveness for his wife’s death. [What does the woman in the rocking chair have to do with forgiveness? I’d also try to tighten this paragraph to only the most crucial elements given how much story you still need to cover in the rest of the query]

MATTHEW ‘MATTY’ CREDENTE [Lower case], his wayward son, lost his money in a rigged poker game, and his girlfriend burned down his apartment. Using the hide-a-key, he creeps into his father’s house. He’ll planning to confront his old man in the morning [Confront him about what?]. Except. The following day, Matty wakes to find he’s alone. He finds a note A note found among the camping equipment that challenges him to “Come, follow me.” [Avoid the passive voice in a query letter.]

Hours apart, Angelo and Matty have their journeys. Matty begrudges hiking on their favorite trail to bring back his father. His teenage wilderness skills, buried by adulthood, save him the first night. When he meets the an exploited would-be actress and her manipulative boyfriend-director, on the hunt to prove the urban legend [What urban legend? Kara Cha? I still don’t understand what that is], Matty’s skills come to their rescue [Be more specific about the skills] . Aafter a bear attack, Matty treats the actress for shock and wounds. Guided by the full moon’s light, is the a victimized [I don’t understand what “victimized” means in this context] mixed-race female Park Ranger, who believes is being chased by her assailant [Who is her assailant?]. She barges into Matty’s tent while the bear is on the prowl.

My framework for fixing this paragraph (layer flavor/detail back in): Matty begrudgingly hikes their favorite trail to attempt to bring back his father. Along the way, he saves an exploited would-be actress and her manipulative boyfriend/director from a bear attack. The pair are on the hunt to investigate the urban legend that [explain urban legend]. While the bear is still on the prowl, a park ranger barges into Matty’s tent, believing she’s being chased by [explain who assailant is].

Miles away, Angelo helps a hiker with a sprained ankle. He and recognizes her as the woman from his bedroom. Each time Angelo tries to escape her, the forest brings him back to her. And, each time, the mystery woman probes the penitent Angelo with the memory of his wife [I’m confused by what the word “probes” means in this context]. Is she Kara’s ghost? His wife’s avenging friend? An Angel? Death?

All trails lead to Sagemore, the an abandoned village where the urban legend began [I still don’t understand the urban legend]. Another one is about to be made. The ranger, perceived as the criminal of her attack [I don’t understand what this means], is met [passive voice] by the Sheriff and his men. Guns are drawn. Shots fired. Fifteen times. [Passive voice. Who is doing what?] When it’s over, a phenomenon, performed by the mystery woman, changes everyone’s truths [I don’t understand what this means. Be far more specific about what happens]. For Angelo, his gift saves a life. Forgiving saves his. [I don’t understand what this means]

Written in the third person [Don’t need to list the POV in a novel unless an agent specifically asks for it], Beta readers commented that [Agents aren’t generally going to want to know what beta readers think about comps, they want to know what you think] FOOTSTEPS FORGED has the elements of the hit show, “Evil.” [If you’re going to include a comp title, include more than one] The logical and the supernatural can explain the action in the story that involves characters inspired by current movements. This is my first novel. I write as M. E. Marino. [Put your pen name beneath your signature]

Thank you for your time with my query. I am submitting the first chapter as requested on your website. I look forward to the opportunity of presenting the completed manuscript to you. [This feels presumptuous]

Best regards,
Michael E. Marino
(Writing as M.E. Marino)

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Art: Family of bears in a mountainous landscape by Georg Saal