Every word counts in a query letter (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to francocook1, whose query is below.

Dear Agent (this was addressed to an agent I heard speak last year);

I enjoyed hearing you speak at the Pittsburgh Writers Conference last spring where you mentioned that you were a fan of time travel stories with an interesting twist. Therefore, I thought my Young Adult portal fantasy, THE PARALLEL might be a good fit for you. Complete at 95,000 words, this story contains historical and sci-fi elements that tie the plot together and add believability. The summary is written below. If it meets with your approval, I look forward to hearing from you.

Sixteen-year-old Amara is snarky and smart. She speaks multiple languages, reads ancient Greek, but still gets nervous when confronted by her class mean girl. She just wants to fit in. Interning at the museum in D.C. every weekend with her curator father won’t help with that. When she thinks life can’t get any worse, an encounter with a mysterious artifact hurls her through time, and into a world that mirrors the ancient Carthage her father has told her about.

Alone in the past with only her wits, Amara seeks out Ba’al Hammon, a Carthaginian god hiding from interdimensional enforcers. Unable to use magic undetected, Ba’al strikes a bargain. He will return Amara home if she delivers a powerful djinni to a war camp in Saguntum. There, the creature will be used in an assault against Rome that could change the course of history. Hoping to see her father again, Amara agrees to the god’s terms. But as she grows closer to those she meets in the past, the lines between saving history and saving herself, become blurred. Now, Amara is faced with two choices and one future filled with uncertainty.

In the writing world, I have published an academic book and written short stories for local publications. My career as a clinical social worker at the local child advocacy center has afforded me the opportunity to work closely with young adults. I also enjoy tweeting about writing and I have a growing following. When I am not drafting my next novel, I can be found hanging out with my teenager and husband, binge reading, or volunteering at the local food pantry.

Thank you for your time and consideration regarding my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Andrea Guadalupe Franco-Cook

If this story sounds familiar, it’s because due to a twist of fate in the random number generators, this is the query letter for the page I critiqued last week!

With only 250-350 words to work with, every single word counts in a query letter. It’s crucial to put every single phrase under a microscope to make sure you’re getting every last drop you can wring out of those words.

The structure of this query letter is in fine shape and I know from the page I critiqued that Andrea is a strong writer.

But the bland phrases and pat cliches pile up in this query:

• gets nervous
• confronted by her class mean girl
• just wants to fit in
• When she thinks life can’t get any worse
• an encounter with a mysterious artifact
• change the course of history
• grows closer to those she meets
• faced with two choices and one future filled with uncertainty

Every one of these phrases is a missed opportunity to infuse personality and individuality into the query letter with much more precise specificity.

How does Amara act when she’s nervous? How does the bully confront her? What life does she imagine if she can fit in?

If all of these bland turns of phrase were replaced with more vivid alternatives the query letter wouldn’t be any longer, but it would be far more lively.

Always look for ways of taking a generic turn of phrase and infusing it with the spirit and life of your novel.

Here’s my redline:

Dear Agent (this was addressed to an agent I heard speak last year);

I enjoyed hearing you speak at the Pittsburgh Writers Conference last spring where you mentioned that you were a fan of time travel stories with an interesting twist. Therefore, I thought my 95,000 word Young Adult portal fantasy, THE PARALLEL might be a good fit for you. Complete at 95,000 words, this story contains historical and sci-fi elements that tie the plot together and add believability. The summary is written below. If it meets with your approval, I look forward to hearing from you.

Sixteen-year-old Amara is snarky and smart [you demonstrate “smart” with the next sentence. Demonstrate snarky via the voice]. She speaks multiple languages and reads ancient Greek, but still gets nervous [show more individuality than “gets nervous”] when confronted by her class mean girl [describe the mean girl with more flavor/personality]. She just wants to fit in [This feels flat, be more specific with what she wants]. Interning at the museum in D.C. every weekend with her curator father won’t help with that [Why? What’s the problem?]. When she thinks life can’t get any worse [Cliche], an encounter with a mysterious artifact [Be much more specific. What’s the artifact? What’s the encounter?] hurls her through time, and into a world that mirrors the ancient Carthage her father has told her about.

Alone in the past with only her wits, Amara seeks out Ba’al Hammon, a Carthaginian god hiding from interdimensional enforcers [I’m not wrapping my head around “interdimensional enforcers.” What does that mean? What do they do and what are they trying to accomplish?]. Unable to use magic undetected, Ba’al strikes a bargain. He will return Amara home if she delivers a powerful djinni to a war camp in Saguntum. There, the creature will be used in an assault against Rome that could change the course of history [Be much more specific. What will it change?]. Hoping to see her father again, Amara agrees to the god’s terms. But as she grows closer to those [those what?] she meets in the past, Amara might be forced to choose between the lines between saving history and saving herself, become blurred. Now, Amara is faced with two choices and one future filled with uncertainty.

In the writing world, I have published an academic book and written short stories for local publications. My career as a clinical social worker at the local child advocacy center has afforded me the opportunity to work closely with young adults. I also enjoy tweeting about writing and I have a growing following. When I am not drafting my next novel, I can be found hanging out with my teenager and husband, binge reading, or volunteering at the local food pantry.

Thank you for your time and consideration regarding my manuscript.

Sincerely,
Andrea Guadalupe Franco-Cook

Thanks again to Andrea!

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Art: Intérieur de la galerie d’Apollon au Louvre by Victor Duval