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And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to francocook1, whose page is below.
The first 250 words of my Young Adult portal fantasy
The winged lion stood by the exit to the Phoenician exhibit like a bronze sentry, tarnished and faded by time. I bid the statue a silent goodbye as I passed it. After pulling an eight-hour shift answering questions about all things ancient, I just wanted to go home. I entered the crowded hall and squeezed by a couple of kids in ‘I heart D.C.’ t-shirts, and headed toward door in the back of the space. Then someone bumped me hard. I stumbled and my intern’s badge fell to the floor.
“Watch it!” said a forty-something guy with dark hair. He held a clear plastic cup away from his body. Brown liquid splattered his starched shirt. “Pay attention where you’re going next time.”
“Uh, sorry,” I said. But why was I apologizing when he had slammed into me?
“You made me spill my Frappuccino.” He glared down at my intern’s badge, making no effort to pick it up and finished with, “Amara.”
Great, now he knew my name. Before I could respond, he stormed toward the middle of the room and disappeared into a crowd of mouth-breathing tourists staring at a stone sarcophagus.
Rude.I picked up my badge, careful not to tilt my head too low. If my wig fell off in front of all these people, I’d die of embarrassment. I could see it now. Everyone gathered around the girl with the stubble hair and surgical scar. Whispered comments and looks of pity would immediately follow. The museum had enough freaky things on display. No need to add me to the list of attractions.
I really like that this page starts off with an evocative physical detail that helps us begin to picture our surroundings. Too few novels start off this way, and it’s a very underutilized approach to an opening.
I also think this page demonstrates a strong voice, and these are killer lines to finish it off: “The museum had enough freaky things on display. No need to add me to the list of attractions.”
My main concern with this page beyond the usual nips and tucks is that a few key details feel missing to me that would invite us further into the story.
I pieced together that we’re at some sort of D.C. history museum, but why isn’t it just named so we can focus on the other elements of the page?
But even more importantly, Amara just wanting to go home feels like a flat way of expressing her initial motivation, and I didn’t really understand why she’s an intern when she doesn’t seem to like the job.
Why does she want to go home so badly? What would she rather be doing instead? What does she picture herself doing when she gets home?
All doesn’t have to be revealed in the first page, but there are some missed opportunities to help us better understand why she hates this job so much beyond feeling tired and what her dreams are instead beyond.
A little more precision around her motivation will go a long way toward telling us more about her as a character.
Here’s my redline:
The first 250 words of my Young Adult portal fantasy
I bid a silent goodbye to the winged lion that stood by the exit to the Phoenician exhibit like a bronze sentry, tarnished and faded by time.
I bid the statue a silent goodbye as I passed it.[I would reframe the opening to make it smoother and more active] After pulling an eight-hour shift at the X museum answering questions about all things ancient, I just wanted to go home [and do what? Missed opportunity to reveal more character]. I entered the crowded hall,andsqueezed by a couple of kids in ‘I heart D.C.’ t-shirts, and headed toward door in the backof the space.Then¶Someone bumped me hard. I stumbled and my intern’s badge fell to the floor.
“Watch it!” said a forty-something guy with dark hair. He held a clear plastic cup away from his body.
Brown liquidCoffee had splattered his starched shirt. [Don’t think it would be that hard to distinguish the type of liquid] “Pay attention where you’re going next time.”“Uh, sorry,” I said. But why was I apologizing when he had slammed into me?
“You
made me spill myowe me a Frappuccino,” [I don’t believe this dialogue, it’s self-evident that something spilled. I’m adding a directional suggestion that could also explain why he’d want to know her name] —He glared down at my intern’s badge, making no effort to pick it up—and finished with,“Amara.” [Without the change this feels a tad like a forced way to introduce a character’s name]Great, now he knew my name. Before I could respond, he stormed toward the middle of the room and disappeared into a crowd of mouth-breathing tourists staring at a stone sarcophagus.
Rude.
I picked up my badge, careful not to tilt my head too low. If my wig fell off in front of all these people, I’d die of embarrassment. I could see it now. Everyone
gathered aroundstaring at the girl with the stubble hair and surgical scar. [I’m struggling to imagine a character thinking it’s a real possibility that everyone would immediately gather around someone with a scar?] Whispered comments and looks of pitywould immediately follow. The museum had enough freaky things on display. No need to add me to the list of attractions.
Thanks again to francocook1!
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Art: Griffioen by Matthius Merian
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An interesting first page.
“But even more importantly, Amara just wanting to go home feels like a flat way of expressing her initial motivation, and I didn’t really understand why she’s an intern when she doesn’t seem to like the job.”
No doubt because she can’t immediately get a better job, like a vast proportion of the population. Or her job dissatisfaction is recent and temporary.
“I entered the crowded hall and squeezed by a couple of kids in ‘I heart D.C.’ t-shirts, and headed toward THE door in the back of the space.” Missing definite article.
[I’m struggling to imagine a character thinking it’s a real possibility that everyone would immediately gather around someone with a scar?]
I find that idea quite plausible. A person can be very self-conscious about something and imagine the worst even if it is highly implausible.
[I’m struggling to imagine a character thinking it’s a real possibility that everyone would immediately gather around someone with a scar?]
I find that idea quite plausible. A person can be very self-conscious about something and imagine the worst even if it is highly implausible.
I wondered about this too and if I was projecting some able-ism or my own way of assessing risk of social embarrassment. Take that one with a grain of salt. I just found it jarring that she seemed so certain it would happen with “I can see it now.” If she *wondered* if people would gather around as a potential outcome I don’t think I would have thought much of it, I just found the mix of certainty and implausibility a bit jarring.
“No doubt because she can’t immediately get a better job, like a vast proportion of the population. Or her job dissatisfaction is recent and temporary.”
I think you’re a tad more willing to fill in ambiguous gaps than I am. You may be right and this may well be the reason she feels this way. But this is a young adult novel and internships aren’t usually about the money but rather the experience gained. They’re not even always paid. So I’m less willing to chalk it up to one of these guesses and think more clarity would be helpful regardless.
I like this character from the start: Some one a lot like me stuck in a job she doesn’t like and unable to get a better one for various reasons that will soon be delineated. I know the feeling of being in the presence of an “artsy” type who looks down on me because I’m obviously not one of them. As well, the embarrassment of the fall is quite real as is the shame of what is to me a newly acquired scar and recently shaved head. She hasn’t had either long enough to be comfortable with them. Would also like to know why she has both and am anticipatory of the future reveal.
Speaking of reveal, her name is given to us in a natural way. This tells me the author has the ability to grow the story organically, which is a good thing.
All in all, a decent start that just needed a little tweaking to make it flow smoother and keep us wanting to know more. “Amare” believes she is better than the dead end job she finds herself in leading to all sorts of possibilities: Will her situation get worse or better and if so how? Perhaps this demeaning opening is setting us up for a rip-roaring adventure unlike anything she would have ever dreamed or hoped of. I’d like to think the rest of the story will not disappoint.
Your story sounds intriguing! I just noticed a small thing that hasn’t been mentioned. Rather than “intern’s badge” consider “intern badge” since the former could be referring to the badge of her intern rather than her own. I hope your queries are successful!