Lead with a character’s symptoms, not a diagnosis (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to bankoferin, whose query is below.

Dear <Agent>,

<INSERT how I found the agent, something specific, e.g., “I saw you are looking for xxx from your recent #mswl tweet… because you represent xxx comp author, I think my novel will be a great fit for you.>

Eliza Clark is a 32-year-old alcoholic who believes that she must not deserve to be loved. After all, her mother abandoned her in the middle of a snowstorm, her father merely tolerated her when she was being helpful around the vet clinic (and when he wasn’t passed out drooling on the kitchen table), and her musician husband who’d promised her a new life got killed. Through her vodka-induced haze, Eliza pieces together enough of a life in Brooklyn, NY to convince herself that she’s better off alone, away from grief, away from the rural ranching town she tries not to call home.

But when a will and a letter from her father are found under his mattress, a year after his death, she is faced with the possibility that she’s misinterpreted her past and underestimated both her parents. Eliza returns to her father’s house and clinic to get the lawyers off her back, but finds herself surrounded by friends still willing to welcome her with open—yet brutally honest—arms. She has the opportunity to look at her past with new eyes and decide, for once, what she wants in her life. Eliza must first accept her pain and realize the world doesn’t revolve around her grief in order to accept the love that she’s deserved all along.

PROOF OF LOVE, complete at 75,000 words, is a poignant character-driven literary fiction/women’s fiction novel with a strong female protagonist and themes of grief and complicated family relationships. It will appeal to readers of Anna Quindlen’s STILL LIFE WITH BREADCRUMBS and <COMP 2>.

I write for the Sunset Beacon and Richmond Review newspapers, and I’ve been published in the Adelaide literary journal. I’m active in the San Francisco writing community through classes at the Writer’s Studio, Writing Salon, and the Grotto. I have participated in writing retreats led by Jen Louden, Lisa Jones, and Marianne Elliot, and I’m involved in Louden’s robust online Oasis community for creatives. I blog and write other articles at bankoferin.com.

This query is in pretty good shape. It’s structured well and there are good, specific details (“when he wasn’t passed out drooling on the kitchen table” / “town she tries not to call home”) that bring flavor and personality to the plot description.

I have two main concerns. Most importantly, I worry that our first introduction to Eliza is a pretty flat diagnosis that doesn’t really connect us with her on a more tangible or personal level. I’ve written previously about the danger of diagnosing characters in novels, and it goes doubly for query letters.

Don’t play psychologist for your characters, tell us their story. Show us what’s happening with them. It’s far more engaging to see for ourselves what’s going on and it connects us much more deeply to their individual personality.

For example, even just using the words in the query itself you can put together a stronger introduction for Eliza. Which of these openers do you find more engaging?

Eliza Clark is a 32-year-old alcoholic who believes that she must not deserve to be loved.

or

32-year-old Eliza Clark has pieced together enough of a life in Brooklyn through a vodka-induced haze to convince herself that she’s better off alone, away from grief and the rural ranching town she tries not to call home.

Secondly, I worry that as with so many query letters I see, the choices the protagonist is facing in the spine of the plot aren’t brought into sharp enough relief. We descend a bit into generalities/cliches (“opportunity to look at her past with new eyes” / “decide, for once, what she wants in her life”) rather than seeing more specifically and tangibly what choices she must make and what exactly she is reevaluating.

Be specific. Be tangible. Don’t zoom out to 30,000 feet, stay on the ground with the character.

With a new opener and a bit more clarity around the choices Eliza is facing I think this query letter will be in strong shape.

Here’s my redline:

Dear <Agent>,

<INSERT how I found the agent, something specific, e.g., “I saw you are looking for xxx from your recent #mswl tweet… because you represent xxx comp author, I think my novel will be a great fit for you.> [Good personalization]

32-year old Eliza Clark has pieced together enough of a life in Brooklyn through a vodka-induced haze to convince herself that she’s better off alone, away from grief and the rural ranching town she tries not to call home. Eliza Clark is a 32-year-old alcoholic who believes that she must not deserve to be loved. After all, her mother abandoned her in the middle of a snowstorm, her father merely tolerated her when she was being helpful around the vet clinic (and when he wasn’t passed out drooling on the kitchen table), and her musician husband who’d promised her a new life got killed [Be more specific about how he got killed]. Through her vodka-induced haze, Eliza pieces together enough of a life in Brooklyn, NY to convince herself that she’s better off alone, away from grief, away from the rural ranching town she tries not to call home.

But when a will and a letter from her father are found [passive voice, who finds it?] under his mattress, a year after his death, she is faced with the possibility that she’s misinterpreted her past and underestimated both her parents [Be more specific. What did she misinterpret and underestimate?]. Eliza returns to her father’s house and clinic to get the lawyers off her back, but finds herself surrounded by friends still willing to welcome her with open—yet brutally honest—arms. She has the opportunity to look at her past with new eyes [Be more specific about what she’s looking at] and decide, for once, what she wants in her life [Be more specific about what she wants and the choice she’s facing]. Eliza must first accept her pain and realize the world doesn’t revolve around her grief in order to accept the love that she’s deserved all along.

PROOF OF LOVE, complete at 75,000 words, is a poignant character-driven [Show this in the query, you shouldn’t need to tell the agent] literary fiction/women’s fiction [Pick the one it’s closer to] novel with a strong female protagonist and themes of grief and complicated family relationships. It [Don’t need to state the themes, they should already be apparent from the plot description] that will appeal to readers of Anna Quindlen’s STILL LIFE WITH BREADCRUMBS and <COMP 2>.

I write for the Sunset Beacon and Richmond Review newspapers, and I’ve been published in the Adelaide literary journal. I’m active in the San Francisco writing community through classes at the Writer’s Studio, Writing Salon, and the Grotto. I have participated in writing retreats led by Jen Louden, Lisa Jones, and Marianne Elliot, and I’m involved in Louden’s robust online Oasis community for creatives. [Not sure this rises to the level of what I’d include in a bio] I blog and write other articles at bankoferin.com.

Thanks again to bankoferin!

Need help with your book? I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and coaching!

For my best advice, check out my online classes, my guide to writing a novel and my guide to publishing a book.

And if you like this post: subscribe to my newsletter!

Art: Brooklyn Bridge by Ernest Lawson