Bland is bland (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Dan Thompson, whose query is below.

Dear (agent),

14-year-old Soek is bland. She dreams of becoming talented at, well anything – until light starts shooting from her eyes and hands. Having that sort of gift is rare and increasingly criminal. Now, she’s getting attention but not exactly the type she craved.

Soek takes it upon herself to guide her fate by surrendering to the military, to embrace powers other seek to coerce from her, and to pay the price fame carries in a city divided against the gifted. As the cost of her choices escalate, Soek must make one more. Will she play by the unscrupulous, high-society rules to protect her loved ones and new found prestige, or fight against the corrupt woman ruling over the city and put everyone she loves in danger?

LUMINOUS tells the story of a daughter yearning for a spot at the top and a family who will do anything to stop the world from dragging her to the bottom. This YA Fantasy novel, complete at 121,000 words, has an original magic system and potential as a series. Comps fit a younger Fitz and the Fool vibe with a splash of Six of Crows cheekiness and magic while in a Sanderson style of clean.

I graduated from the University of Minnesota, Duluth, in 2010 and have toiled in the pits as a middle/high school English teacher ever since. Educator by day and family man by night, I’m currently drafting my next novel, an untitled MG Contemporary. My short-term goal is to find an agent that will champion my books and whip me into even better writing shape, and my long-term goal is to transition into writing as my full-time career and to make my agent tons of money.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Dan Thompson

It’s totally fine to start off with a character who has room to grow. You always want to construct a novel around someone who changes and evolves over the course of the novel, and this may mean showing some flaws in the beginning (even if they are relatable on the whole).

But a character can never be bland. Bland is flat. Bland is boring. Do people pick up a novel to read about someone who’s bland?

And bland isn’t even a real thing! I’ve never met a single person in my entire life who is actually bland once you peel back a few layers.

Even if you did want to start with a character who’s bland, it’s so much better to show us very specifically how they’re bland rather than just telling us they’re bland.

Which one is the more engaging opening?

• 14-year-old Soek is bland.
• 14-year-old Soek fades into the background so much her teacher has stopped calling her name during roll call.

Aside from that opening, as with so many queries I worry there isn’t enough specificity to help me wrap my head around the plot. This sounds like an interesting premise, but I just am not sure it feels wholly unique because so many key details are brushed over.

What family? What evil lady? What dangers does Soek face? Who wants her magic and why? What do her powers even do in the first place?

There are also several things in the summary/bio section that I have grave concerns about:

• 121,000 words is very, very long for a YA debut and I’d highly recommend paring that down.
• I wouldn’t mention the next novel you’re working on in a query letter, particularly if it’s a different genre. Genre hopping should only be done with extreme care in consultation with your agent. If an agent thinks it’s best to write another YA fantasy, they’re going to want you to be flexible. And they always assume you’re working on something else while you’re querying, no need to mention it until you’re farther along.
• You should never signal to an agent that you’re hoping for them to improve your writing. This signals to them: a) this book is in rough shape and b) you’re expecting more out of them than is customary. Agents may well help you improve your manuscript, but you should always start with a manuscript that is as perfect as you can make it on your own. And some agents don’t edit, so you’re constraining yourself right off the bat.
• This is almost a textbook example of what not to include in query letter: “my long-term goal is to transition into writing as my full-time career and to make my agent tons of money.” Of course every writer dreams of writing full time and, sure, it would be great to make a lot of money too. Putting it in a query letter signals a) you don’t understand the realities of the business, which is that very few authors make that kind of money and b) you think that the agent is in this business for the money. Trust me, there are easier ways of making money than being a literary agent.

Here’s my redline:

Dear (agent),

14-year-old Soek is bland. She dreams of becoming talented at, well anything – until light starts shooting from her eyes and hands [Be more specific about the circumstances where light starts shooting. Where is she, what is she doing?]. Having that sort of gift is rare and increasingly criminal [This feels abrupt. Where are we? Why is it criminal? What is she risking?]. Now, she’s getting attention [from whom?] but not exactly the type she craved.

Soek takes it upon herself to guide her fate by surrendering surrenders to the military, to and embraces the powers other [other what?] seek to coerce from her, and forcing her to pay the price [what price?] fame carries in a city divided against the gifted. As the cost of her choices escalate [How does the cost escalate? Be more specific], Soek must make one more decision. Will she play by the unscrupulous, high-society rules to protect her loved ones [Who are they?] and new found newfound prestige, or fight against the corrupt woman [Who is she?] ruling over the city and put everyone she loves in danger [Why are they in danger? What risk are they facing]?

LUMINOUS tells the story of a daughter yearning for a spot at the top and a family who will do anything to stop the world from dragging her to the bottom. This [Anything important here should be woven into the query letter itself] is a YA Fantasy novel, complete at 121,000 words [This is very long for a debut YA novel], has an original magic system and has potential as for a series. Comps fit It’s similar to a younger Fitz and the Fool [Capitalize or italicize] vibe with a splash of Six of Crows cheekiness and magic while in a Sanderson style of clean [I don’t understand what you mean by clean, the other comps aren’t really unclean?].

I graduated from the University of Minnesota, Duluth, in 2010 and have toiled in the pits as a middle/high school English teacher ever since. Educator by day and family man by night, I’m currently drafting my next novel, an untitled MG Contemporary. My short-term goal is to find an agent that will champion my books and whip me into even better writing shape, and my long-term goal is to transition into writing as my full-time career and to make my agent tons of money.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Dan Thompson

Thanks again to Dan Thompson!

Need help with your book? I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and coaching!

For my best advice, check out my guide to writing a novel (now available in audio) and my guide to publishing a book.

And if you like this post: subscribe to my newsletter!

Art: Frans Verbeeck – Witches’ Sabbath