Nathan Bransford | Writing, Book Editing, Publishing

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Organize your query’s plot summary in a clear way (query critique)

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If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area or this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Dave Hammond, whose query is below.

Ms Literary Agent(name):

I am sending you this query seeking representation for my completed first novel, Heaven, Hell or Nothing, an 83,000-word Psychological Crime Thriller with elements of Southern Gothic. My novel shares similarities to popular books like, The Devil All the Time, Fight Club and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

After a lifetime of mistreatment, painfully withdrawn Shelley Popper experiences feelings of rebirth when his abusive father is killed in Afghanistan and voices emboldening him to strike back against a childhood nemesis, Dalton Moon, who has grown to become a ruthless human trafficker.

The novel is set in rural Ozark, Alabama a quiet town, easy to miss and known mostly as a place one drives through on the way to the Florida panhandle beaches. Unspeakable evil can exist in the unlikeliest of places. Shelley Popper is a bright but awkward young man growing up in Ozark with crippling social anxiety. He has endured a childhood of abuse at the hands of his army pilot father who is unexpectedly killed in Afghanistan, triggering Shelley to experience a surge of confidence. Shelley is cheered on by Ichwurd, a mysterious hitchhiker he picks up on a dark highway, to fight his fear and seize his moments. Shelley has had a lifetime of being bullied by his nemesis, Dalton Moon. Dalton has grown to become a drug dealer and human trafficker navigating his way around the law, the Cartel and his own sociopathic ambitions. Small town life and a gulf hurricane seem to have surreptitiously placed Shelley in Dalton’s world, forcing Shelley to consider the voices of his dark angels and violently settle an old score.

I have enjoyed a career traveling the cities and towns of the South. I have met its characters – characters full of charm and contradiction. My experiences in the South and a degree in psychology inhabit and compel my work. I recently had a personal narrative memoir published on al.com.

As per your submission guidelines, I have included the first two chapters of Heaven, Hell or Nothing. I look forward to hearing back from you soon.

Sincerely,

Dave Hammond

There are interesting elements here and I like the idea of an abused young man choosing to settle a score against a local drug dealer and trafficker. I’m afraid, though, that there are two elements that make it difficult to understand the actual plot.

First, the plot summary feels like it starts and stops a few times, and only really gets going midway through the (very long) third paragraph. Choose where you start the query very carefully and make sure from the start you’re drawing the agent into the story in a clear way.

Secondly, as is very common in these query critiques, the author elides over key details in a vague way, which makes it impossible to understand what is really happening. Be much more specific about why Shelley feels so freed when his father dies, why Shelley’s and Dalton’s worlds collide again, and above all, what Shelley ultimately wants to accomplish.

Queries should feel like a steady progression toward an ultimate, clear goal, which I often call a quest. What is the character trying to accomplish over the course of the novel?

The feeling you don’t want to inspire with that the novel a series of unconnected vignettes without a clear through line. In this case, it’s not clear to me what Shelley is actually doing and wants to accomplish, so this feels more like a series of chance encounters than a cracking psychological thriller.

Here’s my redline:

Ms Literary Agent(name):

[Insert personalized tidbit about literary agent]

I am sending you this query seeking representation for my completed first novel, Heaven, Hell or Nothing, an 83,000-word Psychological Crime Thriller with elements of Southern Gothic. My novel shares similarities to popular books like, The Devil All the Time, Fight Club and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. [Opinions vary, but I tend to prefer these details at the end of the query letter to keep the focus on the plot]

After a lifetime of mistreatment, painfully withdrawn Shelley Popper experiences feelings of rebirth when his abusive father is killed in Afghanistan and voices emboldening him to strike back against a childhood nemesis, Dalton Moon, who has grown to become a ruthless human trafficker. [I think this is an attempt at a logline? I’m afraid it feels convoluted and makes the plot summary feel choppy].

The novel is set in rural Ozark, Alabama a quiet town, easy to miss and known mostly as a place one drives through on the way to the Florida panhandle beaches. Unspeakable evil can exist in the unlikeliest of places. Shelley Popper is a bright but awkward young man [be clearer about his age] growing up in Ozark, Alabama, an easy to miss town known mostly as a place one drives through on the way to the Florida panhandle beaches. with crippling social anxiety. He has endured a childhood of abuse at the hands of his army pilot father, who is unexpectedly killed in Afghanistan, triggering. Shelley to experiences a surge of confidence. [How does that surge of confidence manifest itself and why? I’m also a bit confused why this frees Shelley when presumably his father has been in Afghanistan for a while?]

Shelley is cheered on by Ichwurd, a mysterious hitchhiker he picks up on a dark highway, to fight his fear and seize his moments [I don’t understand what Ichwurd is cheering Shelley on to do, and what it means for him to fight fear and seize his moments]. Shelley has had a lifetime of being bullied by his nemesis, Dalton Moon. Dalton, who has grown to become a drug dealer and human trafficker navigating his way around the law, the Cartel and his own sociopathic ambitions [Don’t diagnose characters, show how the symptoms manifest themselves. What are his actual ambitions?]. Small town life and a gulf hurricane seem to have surreptitiously placed Shelley in Dalton’s world [I don’t understand how. Be more specific], forcing Shelley to consider the voices of his dark angels and violently settle an old score. [I don’t understand what this means. Be more specific. What’s the spine of the plot? What’s Shelley’s goal?]

Heaven, Hell or Nothing is a 83,000-word Psychological Crime Thriller with elements of Southern Gothic. It shares similarities to The Devil All the Time, Fight Club and The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.

I have enjoyed a career traveling the cities and towns of the South. I have met its characters – characters full of charm and contradiction. My experiences in the South and a degree in psychology inhabit and compel my work. I recently had a personal narrative memoir published on al.com.

As per your submission guidelines, I have included the first two chapters of Heaven, Hell or Nothing. I look forward to hearing back from you soon.

Sincerely,

Dave Hammond

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Art: Mural depicting actors in the play and book, “To Kill a Mockingbird.”

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Comments

  1. Caleb says

    If Shelley is bright, I’d like to see him exact his revenge in a clever way. I want him to surprise me. That would make me read the book. (And I want him to overcome his anxiety.)

    I have nothing to add to Mr. Bransford’s query critique.

  2. Stanley says

    Nathan, you say opinions vary on the start of a query. What about for authors who already have a book published? Prefer to know that upfront, or still focus on the plot of the proposed manuscript?

  3. Wendy says

    I’ve learnt from Nathan’s crits over the years that in a small space offered by a query every word must count. Every word must reveal vital info about the plot and the MC. However, in this query, we are told twice that Shelley Popper’s father was abusive and that he was killed in Afghanistan, and Shelley isn’t shedding any tears. For me, not enough is revealed about Shelley to care. I wonder if there could be more showing of Shelley’s individually and how this effects the plot. Yes, you’ve mentioned that he has crippling social anxiety despite being quite intelligent. But this is actually a more common condition than most people realise, so it doesn’t signify anything special about Shelley that, if I were an agent, what would give me cause to think this was a bankable project. What is there in this story that is either unique or so captivating that would draw people in? Perhaps it is all there when one reads the novel, but it’s not yet coming through in this query.
    In fact, like Nathan mentioned, it does sound a bit confusing. The sentence beginning ‘After a lifetime of mistreatment…’ rambles on for a paragraph but doesn’t reveal anything meaty. What does this character yearn for? And what is he prepared to do to get it? If we know that someone needs something important, and he’s prepared to really go there to obtain it, we then can feel some connection to the character and are drawn in to his plight. Imagine a character, someone decent, who has suffered through illness, isolation and then homelessness. For a while he might cave in to the circumstances, but then he gets the determination to stand tall and find a way to earn some money, so he can find somewhere of his own to live. He starts by doing the most humble kind of work; then he might hear of a mobile tiny home going ultra cheap as it needs work. He has some skills and he knows where to get cheap materials. He just has to save enough for the deposit on the tiny home. The owner of the tiny home understands his plight, and as winter is coming he’s happy to accept a small amount on the proviso that regular payments keep coming. Then the man finds an abandoned kitten, and even though he can’t afford to feed the kitten and save for the deposit, he doesn’t hesitate to take that kitten in and share his current home in a cardboard box in an alley.
    A story that the heart can connect with and can inspire the mind is always a winner. There would be elements there in your story, too. Shelley would have so much going for him as regards how he’s going to rise up despite suffering so much abuse in his earlier years. His journey of overcoming the past and becoming the man he was meant to be would really stand out in a query. How can you, making every word count, capture hearts and inspire minds in your query so an agent can see it’s potential?