If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in our discussion forums:
Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this areaor this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to dory123, whose page is below.
Title: Strong Roots
Genre: Women’s FictionSome homecoming. Absolute darkness, and a dreary rain streaming down the windshield of her old Jeep.
Dana glanced at the clock. She was hours later than she’d planned, thanks to a flat tire outside of Chicago. Dark clouds had moved in while she puzzled out how to get to the jack without unpacking all of her worldly goods. As she fumbled through changing the tire, the rain let loose in earnest, leaving her and most everything she owned sopping wet.
Not much longer now, though. She decided to take the short cut and heaved on the wheel to turn onto a narrow side road, tires skidding on the greasy, wet blacktop. Vegetation closed in to form a tunnel above the car, green and lush in the beam of her headlights. She had the sensation of traveling underwater.
Dana’s neck was stiff, her shoulders tense from hunching over the wheel. The inside of the car was close and stuffy, redolent of damp clothing and the burger and fries she’d had for dinner. She cranked down the window to let the fresh scent of rain-dampened earth, of things growing wash over her and felt an immediate sense of release. Leaning as far out the window and into the wet as the seat belt would allow, she inhaled deeply. This smell was a part of her. Home.
In the cone of light ahead, a small, dark shape appeared, eyes reflecting neon green. Too late, it began to move in a quick, shambling gait…
When I’m editing novels, one of the most common margin notes I leave is a variation of “let the reader into the story!”
All doesn’t have to be revealed right off the bat, but every sentence in the opening is a chance to begin to peel back the layers of the story and, especially, the personality of the protagonist.
There are some really strong elements in this page. There’s good scene-setting and physical description, there are some intriguing details (she’s carrying all her worldly goods), and I like that it’s easing us into the story instead of trying to overdo it. Overall it’s well done.
My main quibble is that I come away from this paragraph feeling like I just don’t know Dana very well. I’m not sure there are elements here that bring out a sense of her personality and how she’s feeling about going home. We’re just a bit too distant from her mindset.
Even though there’s a lot of novel left after a first page, try to show the reader glimpses of what the protagonist is after and their mindset.
Still, this is a good example of how you can ease the reader into the story with strong description and a sense of place. With a few more unique elements of Dana’s personality shining through I think it would be all the way there.
Here’s my redline:
Title: Strong Roots
Genre: Women’s FictionSome homecoming. Absolute darkness, and a dreary rain streaming down the windshield of her old Jeep.
Dana glanced at the clock. She was hours later than she’d planned [What plan? We don’t need it exactly, but at least a hint of what’s at stake?], thanks to a flat tire outside of Chicago. Dark clouds had moved in while she puzzled out how to get to the jack without unpacking all of her worldly goods. As she fumbled through changing the tire, the rain let loose in earnest, leaving her and most everything she owned sopping wet.
Not much longer now, though [Another missed opportunity to show a bit more of her mindset]. She decided to take the short cut and heaved on the wheel to turn onto a narrow side road, tires skidding on the greasy, wet blacktop. Vegetation closed in to form a tunnel above the car, green and lush in the beam of her headlights. She had the sensation of traveling underwater.
Dana’s neck was stiff, her shoulders tense from hunching over the wheel. The inside of the car was close and stuffy, redolent of damp clothing and the burger and fries she’d had for dinner. She cranked down the window to let the fresh scent of rain-dampened earth, of things growing wash over her and felt an immediate sense of release. Leaning as far out the window and into the wet as the seat belt would allow, she inhaled deeply. This smell was a part of her. Home.
In the cone of light ahead, a small, dark shape appeared [Be more specific?], eyes reflecting neon green. Too late, it began to move in a quick, shambling gait…
Thanks again to dory123!
Need help with your book? I’m available for manuscript edits, query critiques, and coaching!
For my best advice, check out my guide to writing a novel (now available in audio) and my guide to publishing a book.
And if you like this post: subscribe to my newsletter!
Art: Waldweg bei Spandau by Carl Blechen
Let the reader in, yes.
It can be too easy to picture a scene like a movie: vivid sights and interesting events, and watching the character move through them. But that’s the *limitation* of standard film styles, that we mostly stand back and see many things at once.
A book’s words ought to take some tips from amateur video, where we see what the camera focuses on at each different moment. That camera shows us as much about the person behind it as the view in front, and that’s what we really want to understand.
Thank you, I really needed to read this today. Also love Ken’s comment — I find myself in “movie mode” so often and suddenly it’s been 2 pages since I’ve shared how the character is feeling/reacting to the situation.
Often I think, “SURELY the reader understands how character X would feel in this situation! I don’t have to beat them over the head with it!” But then I re-read it and realize I wasn’t nearly as clear as I needed to be.
I think this page is well-written. I could see Dana driving, getting out of the car to change the tire. I could see the rain starting to cascade over her, but I am just seeing it, I’m not living it like Dana is. I think it could be useful to add more about Dana’s reaction.
Why is she going home? Does the weather reflect her emotional state? (is she angry because she had to go back home? is she sad? how what happened influence her current behavior?) How does she react when it starts to rain (this can be an indicator of her character, does she slam the car door? does she tighten her hands around the jack? or does she laugh sarcastically as if she thinks “of course it had to rain?”)?
I think this is really close to be GREAT, it just needs a bit more of information, especially about Dana, who I’m guessing is the MC of this novel.
I do think this is strongly written, but my biggest question after reading it is why? Why is Dana moving (I’m assuming she’s moving)? And where to? Those specifics are the only things that could improve this opening, in my opinion.