Don’t substitute voice for scene-setting (page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to KatieBry, whose page is below.

I’ll Marry You In Dog Years
Genre: Rom/com

Instead of accepting the date that was probably going to ruin my life, I should have run a singles ad. Or just run. Like to another state. Anyway, my ad would probably be snarky because dating is pretty much the last thing I’m looking at right now.

But if I did run an ad, I’d keep it short and to the point. Like:

I have no idea what my spirit animal is, but it’s probably a drunk penguin binge watching Netflix while scarfing down tacos. If we do actually date, please understand I’m mostly there for the tacos. Probably I’d love tacos more than I’d love you. As in, I’m the kind of person that if I’d been held captive underground for 67 years and finally escaped, the first thing I’d do is bypass my family to find the mothership of taco trucks and stand there for hours shoveling tacos into my face. So, tacos, yes. You, maybe. Note; just because I’m Italian doesn’t mean I have hairier legs than a highland cow. Also, I have no idea where Zanzibar is.

But I didn’t run a singles ad, I did accept the date, and while I couldn’t commit murder in real life, I could foreshadow it in my script. Yes, I write screenplays for a living and, because I love my family, I also work for my parents in the hospitality industry. It’s a toss-up as to what job I hate more.

This page shows a strong voice, which is a good (and genre-appropriate) start. But in novels with strong voices, I often see pages like this that focus a bit too much on the voice at the expense of drawing us into a scene. The voice can quickly overwhelm everything.

Rather than intriguing us with elements of the story (why does she think this date is going to ruin her life, where does the idea of murder come from, what exactly does she do in the hospitality industry?) and drawing us into a scene where things are happening, it feels more like a chaotic flurry of “here are a bunch of things you need to know about me.”

It’s not a scene, it’s exposition. Only we’re not getting exposition about the things that actually matter to the plot, like who’s this date and what does she actually do.

Also, some of this comes down to personal taste, but I usually steer authors away from showing a bunch of things someone didn’t do (in this case, she didn’t send this fictional singles ad) and instead focus on what the character is doing. It’s a lot harder to piece a scene together based on what isn’t happening rather than just being told what is happening.

Lastly one note about this page in case it causes confusion, this page was submitted quite a while ago (2010!) which explains why she’s talking about dating ads and not, say, her Tinder bio.

Here’s my redline:

I’ll Marry You In Dog Years
Genre: Rom/com

Instead of accepting the date that was probably going to ruin my life [Too vague. How did this date come about? Why would it probably ruin her life?], I should have run a singles ad. Or just run. Like to another state. Anyway, my ad would probably be snarky because dating is pretty much the last thing I’m looking at right now. [Avoid cliches like “the last thing I’m looking for.” And if she isn’t looking date, show why.]

But if I did run an ad, I’d keep it short and to the point [Not sure this ad feels very short or to the point?]. Like:

I have no idea what my spirit animal is, but it’s probably a drunk penguin binge-watching Netflix while scarfing down tacos. If we do actually date, please understand I’m mostly there for the tacos. Probably I’d love tacos more than I’d love you. As in, I’m the kind of person that iIf I’d been were held captive underground for 67 years and finally escaped, the first thing I’d do is bypass my family to find the mothership of taco trucks and stand there for hours shoveling tacos into my face. So, tacos, yes. You, maybe. Note: just because I’m Italian doesn’t mean I have hairier legs than a highland cow [This feels pretty outdated as a stereotype]. Also, I have no idea where Zanzibar is.

But I didn’t run a singles ad, I did accept the date, and while I couldn’t commit murder in real life [Where did this come from?], I could foreshadow it in my script. Yes, I write screenplays for a living and, because I love my family, I also work for my parents in the hospitality industry [This is pretty vague. What exactly does she do for her parents?]. It’s a toss-up as to what job I hate more [Pretty off-putting sentiment right out the gate. If she hates writing scripts, why does she do it? Why does she hate helping her parents?].

Thanks again to KatieBry!

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Art: Map of Zanzibar by Alain Manesson Mallet