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Also, if you’d like to test your editing chops, keep your eye on this area! I’ll post the pages and queries a few days before a critique so you can see how your redline compares to mine.
And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!
Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.
Random numbers were generated, and thanks to KatieBry, whose page is below.
I’ll Marry You In Dog Years
Genre: Rom/comInstead of accepting the date that was probably going to ruin my life, I should have run a singles ad. Or just run. Like to another state. Anyway, my ad would probably be snarky because dating is pretty much the last thing I’m looking at right now.
But if I did run an ad, I’d keep it short and to the point. Like:
I have no idea what my spirit animal is, but it’s probably a drunk penguin binge watching Netflix while scarfing down tacos. If we do actually date, please understand I’m mostly there for the tacos. Probably I’d love tacos more than I’d love you. As in, I’m the kind of person that if I’d been held captive underground for 67 years and finally escaped, the first thing I’d do is bypass my family to find the mothership of taco trucks and stand there for hours shoveling tacos into my face. So, tacos, yes. You, maybe. Note; just because I’m Italian doesn’t mean I have hairier legs than a highland cow. Also, I have no idea where Zanzibar is.
But I didn’t run a singles ad, I did accept the date, and while I couldn’t commit murder in real life, I could foreshadow it in my script. Yes, I write screenplays for a living and, because I love my family, I also work for my parents in the hospitality industry. It’s a toss-up as to what job I hate more.
This page shows a strong voice, which is a good (and genre-appropriate) start. But in novels with strong voices, I often see pages like this that focus a bit too much on the voice at the expense of drawing us into a scene. The voice can quickly overwhelm everything.
Rather than intriguing us with elements of the story (why does she think this date is going to ruin her life, where does the idea of murder come from, what exactly does she do in the hospitality industry?) and drawing us into a scene where things are happening, it feels more like a chaotic flurry of “here are a bunch of things you need to know about me.”
It’s not a scene, it’s exposition. Only we’re not getting exposition about the things that actually matter to the plot, like who’s this date and what does she actually do.
Also, some of this comes down to personal taste, but I usually steer authors away from showing a bunch of things someone didn’t do (in this case, she didn’t send this fictional singles ad) and instead focus on what the character is doing. It’s a lot harder to piece a scene together based on what isn’t happening rather than just being told what is happening.
Lastly one note about this page in case it causes confusion, this page was submitted quite a while ago (2010!) which explains why she’s talking about dating ads and not, say, her Tinder bio.
Here’s my redline:
I’ll Marry You In Dog Years
Genre: Rom/comInstead of accepting the date that was probably going to ruin my life [Too vague. How did this date come about? Why would it probably ruin her life?], I should have run a singles ad. Or just run. Like to another state.
Anyway, my ad would probably be snarky because dating is pretty much the last thing I’m looking at right now.[Avoid cliches like “the last thing I’m looking for.” And if she isn’t looking date, show why.]But if I did run an ad, I’d keep it short and to the point [Not sure this ad feels very short or to the point?]. Like:
I have no idea what my spirit animal is, but it’s probably a drunk penguin binge-watching Netflix while scarfing down tacos. If we do actually date, please understand I’m mostly there for the tacos.
Probably I’d love tacos more than I’d love you. As in, I’m the kind of person that iIf I’d beenwere held captive underground for 67 years and finally escaped, the first thing I’d do is bypass my family to find the mothership of taco trucks and stand there for hours shoveling tacos into my face. So, tacos, yes. You, maybe. Note: just because I’m Italian doesn’t mean I have hairier legs than a highland cow [This feels pretty outdated as a stereotype]. Also, I have no idea where Zanzibar is.But I didn’t run a singles ad, I did accept the date, and while I couldn’t commit murder in real life [Where did this come from?], I could foreshadow it in my script.
Yes,I write screenplays for a living and, because I love my family, I also work for my parents in the hospitality industry [This is pretty vague. What exactly does she do for her parents?]. It’s a toss-up as to what job I hate more [Pretty off-putting sentiment right out the gate. If she hates writing scripts, why does she do it? Why does she hate helping her parents?].
Thanks again to KatieBry!
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Art: Map of Zanzibar by Alain Manesson Mallet
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I’ve read this page a couple times and after walking away and thinking about it, all I can remember are penguins and tacos and the context in which they were presented. It’s the most colorful bit on the page and to me, the most positive. There’s a lot of snark and dislike on the page. But the image of Netflix and tacos and penguins make me smile.
I was given the advice once not to write something you don’t want your reader to remember. And while taco-eating binge-watching penguins are memorable, the ad was never written. But somewhere my subconscious now thinks it was.
And because quarantine makes me really, really hyper nit-picky–as opposed to my regular nit-pickiness–Highland is a breed of cow and should be capitalized.
I think though with all that said I’d like to read further. I’m intrigued by someone who writes screenplays which may include murder, even if she hates the job. I’d like to know what she does for her parents and where she lives. Oddly enough, I’m not really interested in the date. But I’d like to know more about our nameless main character.
I am betting this is a pretty funny novel, she has a great voice, but you nailed it Nathan. However, my takeaway from this is that your backlist for these is 10 YEARS OLD! Do you really need more? I mean, I would love to send one, but I wonder if she is even following you now? (tongue in cheek here in case that wasn’t clear)
Haha my eyes popped when I saw the timestamp. Time has seriously flown by!
Wait, for real? The backlog is 10 years old?? That is my take away. I read this all the time, and have thought about sending in a piece for critique, but are you actually saying that you are choosing from submissions that are that old? I’m with Todd Moody, on this… tongue in cheek, for wow!
Haha I didn’t realize how old the submission was until I’d already written the critique! I could have sworn I put that thread up like a year ago….