Sharpen your characters’ choices in a query (query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Nicole Lowery, whose query is below.

Dear [AGENT NAME]

On his deathbed, Laina’s father confesses a secret he has kept hidden all her life – the fabled city of Atlantis is real. Orphaned in a foreign country, Laina must decide if she and her little sister Fiona should stay in Mexico and be swallowed into an orphanage, or risk everything to pursue a life in a new, mysterious world.

Reckless to the core, Laina chooses to seek the impossible. The trail leads them beyond the shores of Belize to the Great Blue Hole, scuba diving down the dark, underwater abyss until a haunting figure of a merman appears and everything turns to black. They wake up in an Atlantian world filled with magical creatures, indescribable powers and… is that a catfish sucking on the wall?

Child authorities enroll the girls into Argamantus high school where humans are rare, Atlantians rule, boys suck, and a bit of sass can make you friends or lead you astray. But “fitting in” is the least of Laina’s worries, as a human illness leads to the quarantine of the whole school, and the trail to uncover her father’s past in Atlantis runs cold. Political tension bubbles beneath the surface and it is only a matter of time before the rebel force strikes.

When water dragons attack, Laina discovers she has the power to read animal minds – a power Atlantis has never seen. Laina must learn to control her power, or risk their lives.

My YA fantasy manuscript Beneath the Abyss is complete at 100,000 words and would appeal to readers of Richelle Mead.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Kind regards,

This sounds like a cool project and the structure of the query letter is strong. I always like it when characters have to make difficult choices, and these can be helpful anchoring points within a query letter.

Unfortunately, I really struggled with the two key choices. After her father dies, the choice between facing an orphanage in a foreign country or going hunting for the lost city of Atlantis doesn’t seem like a particularly difficult choice.

(At least, within the context of a children’s novel).

It’s presented as some kind of reckless and difficult choice, but it seems kind of like a no-brainer. Which is fine! I’d just frame it as fleeing an orphanage rather than presenting it as a daunting decision.

Crucially, because vague details pile up throughout the query letter (What magical creatures? What magic? What illness? What political tension? What rebel force?) I didn’t have anywhere near enough context to understand Laina’s final choice:

Laina must learn to control her power, or risk their lives.

Whose lives? What does she have to do to control her powers? What is she going to do with them once she can control them? What’s at stake?

When you’re presenting a character’s choice within the query letter, the contours of that choice need to be crystal clear. If you sharpen the choice the “spine” of the plot will come through in a salient way.

Here’s my redline:

Dear [AGENT NAME]

On his deathbed, Laina’s father confesses a secret he has kept hidden all her life: the fabled city of Atlantis is real. Now orphaned in a foreign country Mexico, Laina must decide if she and her little sister Fiona flee imprisonment in an orphanage to pursue a new, mysterious world. should stay in Mexico and be swallowed into an orphanage, or risk everything to pursue a life in a new, mysterious world. [What are they actually risking here if the alternative is an orphanage? I’d frame this around fleeing the orphanage rather than presenting it as some kind of a difficult choice they have to make]

Reckless to the core [Laina may well be reckless, but doesn’t seem like that reckless a choice under the circumstances], Laina and Fiona chooses to seeks the impossible. The trail leads them beyond the shores of Belize to the Great Blue Hole. While they’re scuba diving down in the dark, underwater abyss until a haunting figure of a merman appears and everything turns to black. They wake up in an Atlantian world filled with magical creatures [Be more specific. Magical creatures like what?], indescribable powers [Be more specific. Which powers?] and… is that a catfish sucking on the wall? [This detail didn’t quite land as a surprising/cool thing as seems to be intended]

Child Atlantian authorities enroll the girls into Argamantus high school where humans are rare, Atlantians rule, boys suck, and a bit of sass can make you friends or lead you astray [Be more specific about a potential consequence of being led astray]. But “fitting in” is the least of Laina’s worries, as. A human illness [be specific] leads to the quarantine of the whole school, and the trail to uncover her father’s past in Atlantis runs cold. Political tension bubbles beneath the surface [be more specific] and it is only a matter of time before the rebel force strikes [Which rebel force?].

When water dragons attack [Attack what? Where did they come from?], Laina discovers she has the power to read animal minds, a power Atlantis has never seen. Laina must learn to control her power, or risk their lives. [Whose lives? What does Laina literally have to do to control her power? What would she do with it?]

My YA fantasy manuscript Beneath the Abyss is complete at 100,000 words and would appeal to readers of Richelle Mead.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Kind regards,

Thanks again to Nicole!

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Art: Гибель Атлантиды by Н.К.Рерих