Avoid micro-flashbacks (page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to theakelley, whose page is below.

Title: The Sorgin’s Apprentice *or* The Sleeper at the Crossroads
Genre: Contemporary Fantasy

Annwyn awoke to the discomfort of twigs and rocks pressing into her back through her jacket and pajama top. She opened her eyes. A web of blood-red manzanita branches confronted her, stark against a pale, post-dawn sky.

She sat up quickly, becoming aware of bare ankles cold above untied sneakers, bunched-up pajamas under her jeans. Her heart pounded. Looking around, she recognized where she was—at the top of the hill just across the meadow near their new house—with no memory of getting there.

But she recalled the dream, if that’s what it was. Half closing her eyes she reached back into the memory.

She had quickly realized two things, that she was asleep—how could she know this?—and then the more shocking fact: that there was a whirl of energy—in front of her? inside her? or nowhere in particular, just here— that seemed to contain all knowledge, timeless and eternal. Any question could be answered if she could only focus purely enough.

Amazement had threatened to crash her through into full waking, but she held herself fiercely still, enlisted every nerve to concentrate, to abide in this moment. She longed to somehow prove it was real, this experience that was overturning the rules of perception. She yearned to take this back with her into the light of day. So she groped blindly, for a question, a test, and grabbed the first that came: the future—what’s in my future?

In the darkness, images had emerged.

If my inbox when I was a literary agent was any indication, a character waking up is by far the most common way to start a novel. For this reason alone I think you want to steer clear of this opening unless you, really, really feel like you need to start this way.

I might make some allowances for a book titled The Sleeper at the Crossroads as it, well, seems to be about in sleep in some crucial way, but in this case… I still feel like it would be better to avoid the character waking up.

There’s a tic I often see when editing novels I like to call “micro-flashbacks.” Writers will start a scene in one moment, only to recap what literally just happened to the character to “bring us up to speed.”

I almost always think: do we really need to bounce around? Wouldn’t it be clearer and more palpable to start with the events of the micro-flashback and just let the scene proceed in a linear way? Why juggle multiple timelines when you don’t have to?

For this page, particularly because the dream was a lucid one, I think it would be stronger if we just started within the dream and then Annwyn realizes she’s not where she expected to be when she wakes up.

Also: careful with the passive voice, convoluted sentences, and generic gestures like “heart pounded.” It’s so important to make the writing in the opening as precise as possible.

Here’s my redline:

Title: The Sorgin’s Apprentice *or* The Sleeper at the Crossroads
Genre: Contemporary Fantasy

Annwyn awoke to the discomfort of twigs and rocks pressing into her back through her jacket and pajama top. She opened her eyes. [Kind of goes without saying if she just woke up] A web of blood-red manzanita branches loomed over her confronted her [Confronted her? Like, the branches are attacking?], stark against a pale, post-dawn morning sky.

She sat up quickly, becoming aware of. Her bare ankles felt cold above untied sneakers, her pajamas bunched under her jeans. Her heart pounded. Looking around, She recognized where she was—at the top of the hill just across the meadow near their new house—with but had no memory of getting there.

But She recalled the dream, if that’s what it was. Half closing her eyes she reached back into the memory. [We already know she’s recalling the dream, half-closing her eyes and “reaching” for a memory doesn’t add anything]

She had quickly realized two things, that she was asleep—how could she have known this? [Keep the tense consistent] —and then the more shocking fact [show the reader something shocking, don’t tell them it’s shocking]: that There was a whirl of energy—in front of her? inside her? or nowhere in particular, just there— that seemed to contain all knowledge, timeless and eternal. Any question could be answered If she could only focus purely enough, she could find the answer to any question. [Passive voice]

Her amazement had threatened to crash her awake crash her through into full waking [Tortured phrasing], but she held herself fiercely still, enlisted every nerve to concentrate, to abide in this moment. She longed to somehow prove it was real [Prove it was real to whom? She already seems to believe it’s real, so what’s missing?], this experience that was overturning the rules of perception. She yearned to take this [What’s “this”?] back with her into the light of day. So She groped blindly, for a question, a test, and grabbed the first that came: the future…What’s in my future?

In the darkness, images had emerged.

Thanks again to theakelley!

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Art: Dreaming by Jozef Israëls