Focus your opening on what’s unique (Page critique)

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Now then. Time for the Page Critique. First I’ll present the page without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to Chelsea Walker, whose page is below.

Untitled YA sci-fi
By Chelsea Walker

He stood, unmoving in the shadows beyond the doorway. His eyes darted back and forth between the two occupants of the room. He licked his lips nervously, tasting the salt of his sweat. It beaded on his face and threatened to drip into his eyes. He clamped his hands into fists to still his fidgeting fingers.

Why am I such an idiot?

He had often been called too curious for his own good. It had gotten him into trouble before, although nothing serious. But this—this was not good. Why hadn’t he just gone home? Why did he have to stick around and snoop into the governor’s business?

At least they don’t know I’m here…yet.

Taking comfort in that fact for the moment, he pushed aside his fear to watch and listen again.

He was transfixed by a sort of morbid fascination. Though he’d been in the governor’s office multiple times, he had never seen anything as strange as the entity now interrogating Jaymus.

It was humanoid in form, but taller than any man he had ever seen. This creature—whatever it was, towered over the high governor, making the dignified leader look like a child in comparison. The youth flinched as the creature brought it’s great muscled arm down onto the official, knocking him to the floor again.

Jaymus was taking a beating. Great bruises were forming on his face and arms and blood dripped from a large gash near his eye.

Disturbing as the scene was, he couldn’t look away.

While there’s clearly something momentous happening in this opening page, I’m afraid I struggled to wrap my head around what’s going on. Even though there’s a humanoid attacking a governor, I still struggle to start investing in it.

I’m just not sure this opening is focusing on what’s unique about these characters and world. It’s not letting us into the story.

• Where are we? When are we? What “room” is this? There isn’t any physical description to help orient us.
• The (presumed) protagonist is sweaty and scared, which is understandable if there’s a big humanoid on the loose, but what makes him unique? We don’t even know his name, which is confusing. Who is narrating? What’s the perspective?
• Who is Jaymus? What is he governor of?
• Besides being large and seemingly angry, what makes this humanoid unique? We don’t have any physical description to help us picture it beyond a muscled arm.

It’s so important to stamp out vagueness in your opening. Be as precise and specific as possible. Let your reader into the story.

A great way to do that is to hone in on the unique qualities and physical description that make your characters and world stand apart.

Here’s my redline:

Untitled YA sci-fi
By Chelsea Walker

He stood, unmoving in the shadows beyond the doorway. His eyes darted back and forth between the two occupants of the room. [What occupants of what room? This feels vague. Describe] He licked his lips nervously, tasting the salt of his sweat. It Sweat beaded on his face and threatened to drip into his eyes. [Two separate descriptions of sweat feels heavy-handed to me, I’d stick to one or the other] He clamped his hands into fists to still his fidgeting fingers.

Why am I such an idiot? [Jarring switch to first person]

He had often been called [Vague. Who called him this?] too curious for his own good. It had gotten him into trouble before [How?], although nothing serious. [“although nothing serious” is minimizing] But this—this was not good. [What is “this?”] Why hadn’t he just gone home? Why did he have to stick around and snoop into the governor’s business? [Vague. What is the “governor’s business?” Be more specific]

At least they don’t know I’m here…yet. [Vague Who is “they?”]

Taking comfort in that fact for the moment, He pushed aside his fear to watch and listen again.

He was transfixed by a sort of morbid fascination. Though he’d been in the governor’s office multiple times, he had never seen anything as strange as the entity [“entity” is an odd word choice] now interrogating Jaymus. [Who is Jaymus?]

It was humanoid in form, but taller than any man he had ever seen. This creature—whatever it was, towered over the dignified high governor [Is the “high governor” Jaymus or someone different? What is he governor of?], making the dignified leader him look like a child in comparison. The youth [Who is “the youth?” Jaymus? The high governor? The protagonist? If it’s the protagonist, why wouldn’t we know his name?] flinched as the creature brought it’s great muscled arm down onto the official [Yet another way of referring to Jaymus?], knocking him to the floor again.

Jaymus was taking a beating. [We know] Great bruises were forming on his Jaymus’s face and arms and. Blood dripped from a large gash near his eye.

Disturbing as the scene was, He couldn’t look away.

Thanks again to Chelsea Walker!

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Art: Fall of the Titans by Peter Paul Rubens