Avoid word salads in your query (Query critique)

If you’d like to nominate your own page or query for a public critique, kindly post them here in the discussion forums:

• Nominate Your First Page for a Critique on the Blog
• Nominate Your Query for a Critique on the Blog

And, of course, if you need help more urgently or privately, I’m available for edits and consultations!

Now then. Time for the Query Critique. First I’ll present the query without comment, then I’ll offer my thoughts and a redline. If you choose to offer your own thoughts, please be polite. We aim to be positive and helpful.

Random numbers were generated, and thanks to GJF, whose query is below.

Dear Peter xxxx,

Outlined in the opening paragraph of your profile, your interest in controversial, out of the ordinary, provocative subjects, as well as authors that are not afraid to challenge the status quo is the understanding team member needed to help launch this project. As an independent person yourself, you will also appreciate the motivation behind this personalized voyage of a lifetime. Skin in the game decisions have challenged the formally educated throughout history and in order to survive, I too had to dig deep and unanchor innate survival skills in order to overrule the textbook rhetoric that merely seemed to want to rule over more than assist success driven efforts. This unique story encompasses some similarity in its lure as “Between a Rock and a Hard Place” (127 Hours), “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”, “Into the Wild” and “The Last Lecture” to name a few.

September 9, 2000, a dive in the ocean leaves me floating face down unable to move until life peacefully fades to black. Most people can rationally fear the idea of drowning now combine that with the fear of breaking their neck and becoming a quadriplegic in the process. Not many however would ever consider firing the entire group of normally trusted and respected industries used to help live with the new unique set of conditions. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck in a wheelchair the rest of my life and this did not seem to be the main agenda of those assigned to my care. After a slowly drawn out, rocky relationship of what appeared to be people just wanting me to stay between the lines, lines they had drawn for me, I was left no choice but to fire them all in order to clear the way so that I could get to the hard work needed, putting together my own team of true health professionals, while setting out on a course to literally, get back on my feet. Today I am the most successful recovered quadriplegic in the world (until proven otherwise) and I did most of the recovery without insurance, doctors and drugs.

“Talk the Walk” is 90% complete at roughly 200,000 words and is ready to enter its own journey of professional editing and the selling of. While I have no other writing credits, I have an inspiring, thought provoking, and embarrassingly truthful unique journey that surely no other has lived. The project also sets the ground work for a few multimedia ideas that could expand on the controversial issues while also introducing a healthy dose of criticism to a Goliath set of multi-industry protocols.

Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you. If you feel that we would not be a good fit, it would be greatly appreciated if you could refer a few other agents that you may think would be looking for a story of this nature.

Jerry

Querying is not easy. Of course you, the author, want to stand out. You want to show the agent you can write well. You want to express confidence in your work.

Unfortunately, this sometimes leads writers to adopt a tone of forced familiarity and convoluted sentence structures that doesn’t start them off on the best footing. Don’t make an agent work hard to understand what you’re saying. Optimize for clarity.

In this case, while this sounds like a very interesting and inspiring project, the personalization in particular feels way overdone and contributes to a query that clocks in at 492 words, almost 150 more than I’d recommend. The appeal of the project feels a bit buried under the forced cleverness of the opening and the overall convoluted approach.

I’m afraid there are also some other red flags that would jump out at an agent:

• Non-celebrity memoirs almost always need to be completely finished, especially these days. An author shouldn’t be querying with a book that is only 90% complete.
• 200,000+ words is extremely long for a debut memoir. Ideally it would be more in the range of 80,000-100,000 words.
• Don’t ask an agent to refer you to someone else if they’re not interested. They’re not going to do this.

In order to pitch a book, you have to understand the core of its appeal and how it stands out. This is a super inspiring story! Keep the focus there.

Here’s my redline:

Dear Peter xxxx,

I chose to query you because of Outlined in the opening paragraph of your profile indicated your interest in controversial, out of the ordinary, provocative subjects., as well as authors that are not afraid to challenge the status quo is the understanding team member needed to help launch this project. [This is a really convoluted/strangely worded sentence and doesn’t make the best first impression.] As an independent person yourself, you will also appreciate the motivation behind this personalized voyage of a lifetime. Skin in the game decisions have challenged the formally educated throughout history and in order to survive, I too had to dig deep and unanchor innate survival skills in order to overrule the textbook rhetoric that merely seemed to want to rule over more than assist success driven efforts. [Extremely, extremely convoluted sentence] This unique story encompasses some similarity in its lure as “Between a Rock and a Hard Place” (127 Hours), “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”, “Into the Wild” and “The Last Lecture” to name a few. [I would move this to the end]

September 9, 2000,. A dive in the ocean leaves me floating face down unable to move. until Life peacefully fades to black. Most people can rationally fear the idea of drowning. Now combine that with the fear of breaking their neck and becoming a quadriplegic in the process.

Not many however would ever consider firing the entire group of normally trusted and respected industries used to help live with the new unique set of conditions. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck in a wheelchair the rest of my life, and but this did not seem to be the main agenda of those assigned to my care, who. After a slowly drawn out, rocky relationship of what appeared to be people just wanting wanted me to stay between the lines, lines they had drawn for me. I was left no choice but to fire them all in order to clear the way so that I could get to the hard work I needed. putting I put together my own team of true health professionals, while setting out on a course to, literally, get back on my feet. Today I am the most successful recovered quadriplegic in the world (until proven otherwise) and I did most of the recovery without insurance, doctors and drugs.

“Talk the Walk” is 90% complete at roughly 200,000 words and is ready to enter its own journey of professional editing and the selling of would appeal to readers of “Between a Rock and a Hard Place” (127 Hours), “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly”, “Into the Wild” and “The Last Lecture.” While I have no other writing credits, I have an inspiring, thought provoking, and embarrassingly truthful unique journey that surely no other has lived. The project also sets the ground work for a few multimedia ideas that could expand on the controversial issues while also introducing a healthy dose of criticism to a Goliath set of multi-industry protocols.

Thank you for your consideration and I look forward to hearing from you. If you feel that we would not be a good fit, it would be greatly appreciated if you could refer a few other agents that you may think would be looking for a story of this nature.

Jerry

Thanks again to GJF!

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Art: Jean-Baptiste Camille Corot – Marino – trois personnages au sommet des rochers