It’s holidays time and literally everyone on the internet who produces #content is posting their holiday gift guides chock full of dubious products and affiliate links.
Most of these gift guides are earnest and sincere. This one is not.
Behold! A real holiday gift guide for writers.
Click on the pictures if you actually want to buy any of this stuff. Most links are affiliate links because hey I need to buy holiday presents too.
A writer’s block
I’m of the opinion that writer’s block does not exist. Except for this one. This is a block. And if it’s in the possession of an author, well, I suppose I’d be forced to admit writer’s block does exist.
Floor cleaning system for maximum procrastination
Writers have some of the cleanest houses and apartments I know. Why? Because scrubbing your floor starts to look way more appealing than writing by the time you’re halfway done writing a novel.
I personally find scrubbing the floor to be the most cathartic chore, but feel free to sub in some grout cleaner if the writer in your life wants to go to town on the bathroom tiles.
Ship in a bottle whiskey decanter because hey why not
Most writers love to drink. Most writers also like fussy, vaguely historical trinkets. WHY NOT COMBINE THE TWO.
Weighted blanket
This gift idea also combines two things that writers love: hiding under blankets and managing stress.
Moleskin notebooks
THE JOURNALING. THE NOTE-TAKING. THE SCRIBBLING TO LOOK BUSY WHILE PROCRASTINATING IN A COFFEE SHOP.
New Zealand travel guide
Trust me, the writer in your life has thought about going to New Zealand. They probably already have a very detailed itinerary hidden somewhere on their laptop. They may escape there after their next rejection.
Dragon hourglass
Your writing loved one is going to be doing a lot of waiting. Their query letter is but a grain of sand in an agent’s inbox. Why not get them a gift that symbolizes this painful but noble process?
Also dragons.
Faux book with hidden compartment
Every writer has written material that cannot fall into enemy hands. Give them this faux book with a hidden compartment and let them stash their secret flash drives in it.
(That said, they probably want to hide their secret writing from you too so this will merely be their diversionary secret compartment to distract from their actual hidden compartment, which you will never ever find in a million years).
HODOR
Hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor hodor! Hodor hodor, hodor hodor hodor.
Hodor.
Desk padding kit
![Roving Cove Baby Safety Edge & Corner Guards | Child Proofing Furniture Bumper | Table Protectors | Pre-Taped Corners | Safe Edge & Corner Cushion | 20.4 ft [18 ft Edge + 8 Corners] | Onyx Black](data:image/svg+xml;nitro-empty-id=NDk2OjYwMQ==-1;base64,PHN2ZyB2aWV3Qm94PSIwIDAgNTAwIDQ1NCIgd2lkdGg9IjUwMCIgaGVpZ2h0PSI0NTQiIHhtbG5zPSJodHRwOi8vd3d3LnczLm9yZy8yMDAwL3N2ZyI+PC9zdmc+)
The writer you love is going to bang their head on their desk at some point, intentionally or otherwise. Plan ahead.
Get it. Plan ahead. Heh. Heh heh.
A cabin in the woods
If you purchase a cabin in the woods for a writer you are now officially married. I don’t make the rules.
My books!
You didn’t think I was going to make a whole freaking gift guide without plugging my books, did you??
What are you getting the writer in your life? (I promise I won’t tell).
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Okay, the New Zealand thing speaks to me. And the weighted blanket.
I love my Moleskin notebooks and do use them for writing as well as procrasti-writing. And I have definitely thought about New Zealand. A lot.
Hilarious! Thanks, Nathan.
New Zealand is the land of Xena, Warrior Princess, after all.
Thanks, Nathan, for such a CONCRETE example of Writer’s Block!
My only complaint is your ommission of Sock Drawer Rearrangement Devices, which are ABSOLUTELY vital for writers who want to do Displacement Activity (AKA “Dicking-Off” as Stephen King famously called it) properly.
I was going to procrastinate in a coffee shop today but I’ve decided to put it off to tomorrow.
Amen to the New Zealand travel guide. Reading it should save me the bother of actually going there.
So, agents DO hire dragons to read queries! I always suspected!
Hodor? The G.O.T. character or a door-stop?
Desks? My whole house needs padding! Or maybe just my head.
A cabin in the woods? No way! Next come murderous inbred yokels, alien cattle rustlers, radioactive werewolves, and giant mutant snakes and crocodiles and flying sharks! Very inspiring though, if you write horror and live long enough to finish the story.
Incidentally, I think the Bransforums are ten years old today. Take a bow and celebrate!
Somehow you have discovered everything on my wishlist. HOW DID YOU KNOW about the New Zealand escape plan? Nevermind, I suspect it was an educated guess. The Hodor made me laugh and then feel bad for laughing. All in all the best gift guide I’ve seen in some time.
I’d marry anyone who buys me a cabin in the woods. It doesn’t matter if he’s a dork. After all, people disappear in the woods, don’t they?.
But I already live in New Zealand